Now that the eldritch tendrils of Flying Spaghetti Monster Elisa Jimenez have been banished from the competition, it’s time to get serious. What could be more serious than a challenge to make a gown to wear to the opera? A “couture” gown, no less. In one day. Yes, a gown that normally takes weeks or months to painstakingly hand-sew, let’s slop one together in a few hours, shall we? As always, there’s spoilers, so read on at your own risk!
Ke$ha is wheeled out on a gurney the runway to face the remaining twelve designers, and she mutters that the guest judges this week are James Mischka and Mark Badgley. A thought bubble appears over Victim Costello, and he thinks, “you know, I grew up with opera. I am all over this.” Thought bubbles appear over all the other designers in the shape of daggers and pick-axes and they pop The Victim’s thought bubble. Well done, other designers. Kara Janx, looking worried, thinks that this challenge is Austin’s “PABOOM” moment but not her “PABOOM” moment. We must each now decide for ourselves what our own personal “PABOOM” moments are and then forever and endlessly chase the “PABOOM” dragon. Jerell’s thought bubble is in the shape of a fierce drag queen with 10 inch long nails, and his thought bubble says “KA-BLAM! Bitch Puddin!” Mondo lofts a small fuzzy bunny thought bubble that quietly states, “this is not my strong point” and then quickly hops away. Kenley flares her nostrils and thinks nothing.
A quick montage of taxis and towncars leads us to the workroom, where The Victim shows us how poorly suited the HP tablets (which are no longer being made, by the way) are for designing clothes. Sweet Pea, proudly and loudly displaying her random tattoos, wonders if everyone thinks she’s a loser. Kenley flexes her nostrils and trumpets that it’s time to go to Mood. She hopes no one notices that her mouth never opened when she made the announcement. Somewhere, Zooey Deschanel is taking notes.
At Mood, The Victim and Lady April Gag discover they both want to make a red dress. Drama drama drama for your llama llama llama. In frustration at having to choose a different color, The Victim decides to snap at the guy cutting his fabric — that is always a smart move, right? Anyone else notice that Joanna Coles does not accompany the designers to Mood?
Lady April Gag decides that making a gown in one day isn’t enough to do, she also wants to dip-dye her red fabric. Because that’s going to work out just fine, right? Mila is carefully color-blocking in a back corner of the work room, because that’s what she does, and Sweet Pea is working with a bright and busy fabric stolen from the Von Trapp family manse.
Joanna Coles FINALLY comes into the workroom, and it’s obvious she has been speaking with Tabatha Coffey because she’s trying to emulate Tabatha. She’s not much of a “rah rah” coach in the Tim Gunn manner, is she? Nope, she’s a break ’em down to build ’em up lady, so from now on, she’s Tabatha.
Tabatha visits Rami the Swami of Salami (take that how you will) and he says something like “mwow muh drape huh” but his words aren’t important, are they? No, they’re not. Less shirt, Rami, that’s your golden ticket. A quick visit with Austin and his Glam Glam Super Slam gold lame and black tulle creation, Lady April Gag explains how she’s going to fail, The Victim Costello shows off his big “stones and feathers” trim piece and Jerell lofts a thought bubble at it, (“That’s taaaackkyyyyyyy!”) so Tabatha moves on to making Kara cry and delivering a smart bitch slap to Sweet Pea. A fun stink-eye at Suzanne Sugarbaker and a big ignore of Gordon, Mila, and Kenley, and off Tabatha goes to harangue some other poor unfortunates.
More thought bubbles. Mondo thinks Kara is the weakest designer. Kara deludes herself that the Laura Ashley print is “going to come together beautifully.” Suzanne Sugarbaker worries about her foundation. Kenley wiggles her nostrils and tells the other designers the day is done. How does she get so much volume out of her nostrils? She’s ah-maaaah-zing.
Back at the concentration summer camp, Rami is all handsy with Suzanne Sugarbaker. I now officially hate Miss Sugarbaker. Hate her. Hate her like Bitch Puddin. She is easy like Sunday morning, that’s what she is.
A quick nap and we’re back in the workroom. Sewing, sewing, soon we should be hair-ing, hair-ing, then we’ll Makeup Bear-ing, Bear-ing. Once we’re done with product placement land, we’re back in the workroom and once again Kenley’s nostrils announce how much time is left. Who died and made her boss of the world? I guess someone did, so Kenley’s nostrils tell all the designers to get their models to the runway.
Kenley’s model is out first and she’s a vision in pink, like a confection you’d get from the Ace of Cakes. Gordon sends a lavender and periwinkle thing with sheer legs. Why. No one knows why. Rami, oh Rami, what was this pieced together fuschia mess you gave us? You didn’t mean it, did you? Mila, for once, did not color block, but she did make a hard little black dress. Minimal, cynical, criminal little black dress.
In stark contrast to what came before, we are assaulted by Sweet Pea and her “I am twelve months pregnant dress” in Von Trapp Orange. Wow. Mondo’s sci-fi bridesmaid dress floats and flows down the lane with the train and the back pillow. Jerell’s look is khaki, gold, power mesh and marabou feathers. A big skirt too. Then comes Kara’s imitation Laura Ashley print with a black grosgrain belt and a demure bow in back, but with the same “I Am Oh So Pregnant” skirt silhouette. Is this a thing now? Women want to look like the Octo-Mom? Interesting.
Miss Sugarbaker is giving “Lair Of The White Worm” realness with her white gown with black opera gloves and a gorgeous silver belt with faux emerald dangler. Then comes Austin’s Glam Slam Thank You Ma’am gold lame thang. Love the hair styling on his model. Lady April Gag… what in the very world did she end up creating? Her dip-dye “ombre” makes her model look like she just rolled out of a dumpster after a rough night, and the random triangles on the front and back of the bodice are just confusing. Perhaps Lady April Gag put on a blindfold before sitting down at the sewing machine. The Victim’s black dress comes out and it is sharp. The “stones and feathers” shrug is demure on the top, then the model turns around and we are millimeters away from seeing the model’s coin slot. Daring and well constructed. Good job, Victim!
Can’t really say too much about the judging this time, except that Isaac is starting to warm up to his role as pretender to the Bitchy Orange throne. He’s positive when it’s appropriate, but when it’s time for a smackdown, he has some great facial expressions that say volumes without him speaking a single word. One note — taking her role as Not-Heidi seriously, Ke$ha tells The Victim that she wants to wear his dress.
In the end, Miss Sugarbaker takes third, The Victim takes second, and Austin and his moustache take the win! Austin gives a short acceptance speech, then puts on an imaginary sash and tiara. Where are his scepter and roses?
We’re left with Sweet Pea, Lady April Gag and Kara. Kara’s faux Laura Ashley (“now with pockets!”) takes third from the bottom and she sprints away to leave us with the bottom two. In the end, Sweet Pea has to go. She was in the bottom two last week, so it makes sense that it’s her time. Farewell, Sweet Pea! Don’t get any more tattoos!
