It seems like it’s been mere moments since we last heard the delicate as a baboon in distress wails of a beleaguered Snooki, or calculated the Situation’s Draconian birthdate to be in the 7th century BC; or watched Deena trip over her own underwear, witnessed Sammi and RAHN make the smush beast with two backs, enjoyed Vinny and Pauly’s Aykroyd and Belushi skit, or finally convinced ourselves that someone could in fact inject a “Castle Jump-Jump” into their sternum and tie string around it like a Christmas pork roast before calling it a “club outfit” as JWOWWW tends to do. The last time any of this happened the Guidos were in Italy stomping around their homeland, and mashing the pebbles in the Florence piazza like a zit that landed on Italy’s face.
However, now in this fifth season of showcasing what the best primate geneticists in all of Seaside Heights, New Jersey can produce, our favorite Guidos are done, kaput, with Italy. Forget about important sights, priceless art, culture, good food, history, and a fabulous experience many wouldn’t be able to attain anywhere else. Nope! Last season was about team meatball carousing and burping their way through a new country, and finding love and fights amongst the town square like a badly dubbed Italian film. Upon leaving Italy what really seemed to be of concern was during the whole trip our friends couldn’t tan, get a good haircut, or work out properly which is probably some form of nourishment-enriched adult Guido breast milk experience they all lacked for three months. At any rate they’re going home to a fantastic American place that has all that and so much more! It’s none other than a place where Bruce Springsteen’s mouth-music can still be heard in every New Jersey Turnpike truckstop north of Camden.
To illustrate how homesick he is, Ronnie says he feels like he was away at boarding school and America is his mother, ergo he’s coming home to see his mother. Yes, Ronnie, this is exactly what going on a paid-in-full vacation funded by the reality show you’re an integral part of is like. You’re a natural Madeline traipsing around Paris, you and your band of academic doorstops.
Since the group is returning home to a house that has just enough beds for everyone, but not nearly enough rooms for everyone to carve out their own nest in the gerbil cage, Sitch starts things off by saying that he doesn’t care what room he’s in to the resounding sound of crickets and bedbugs scratching in their suitcases. For those of you who don’t know, no one wants to room with Mike because he’s a sixty year-old woman watching the neighborhood from her front stoop. Yes, Agnes Situation, likes to be in everyone’s business. He’s an instigator, a manipulator, and an all around creepozoid guy no one wants to live with because he’s notorious for “stirring up shit” which is one of many offenses in the Guido tablet of unimaginable sin.
The group decides that they’ll all keep their original rooms, Snooki emphasizes that point by saying that she left her own brand of Snookessence in the bed last year, a mixture of goblin pus and urine. Well, we suppose until Snooki can market her pee as an exfoliant, she’s won the argument. Everyone will keep the same rooms as last time, to which Sammi sums up the moment with “This Sucks.” Thanks, Sammi Shakespeare.
The group finally pulls up to the Jersey Shore house and boy, are they excited, there’s clapping and screaming. Snooki, a walking orifice spew factory, apparently does and/or says, “I Have to Throw Up!” Then they commence running into the house jumping on the furniture and dry humping one another like a litter of randy, drunk Chihuahuas. Once situated, Sammi decides to draw up the Shore House Peace Treaty of 1776 and a truce is struck between Mike, Ronnie, and Sam wherein if Mike, “stirs up shit” by law he will be evicted to the balcony.
After rooms are sorted out and all 85 pieces of luggage holding Plaster of Paris and Band Aids used as tube tops, have been stowed, it’s time to commence in traditional Seaside libation. Ronnie makes up a batch of his finest Ron-Ron juice and like a sour, vinegar-ed imp, Snooki downs an entire jar of pickle juice in order to quench her thirst or lubricate her salty innards, or as an offering to the Snooki Pickle Harlot Goddess she worships.
Tipsy, and in need of a cold-cut sandwich to eat with a pickled Snooki, next they troop down to the Shore Store because obviously this is some deal MTV negotiated on the isle of Mordor to keep the Shire safe. The Guidos will continue to work at the Shore Store, and boss Danny, who hates these kids, but not the money they bring in every summer, tells them he’d like to take them out for a drink the next night. Boo! Old man drinks! Wrinkled Balls in my hair bump! Anyway, they accept the invitation, and we then get to see the group engage in something on the boardwalk that doesn’t involve drunken staggering, public urination, or fighting Ninja Gaiden bosses — they ride the boardwalk rides. Fun! Cute! Mike who’s really Moses parts the Red Sea for his final trick!
Early the next morning, the first order of business is TANNING. Situation likens their current state of untannedness to a state of emergency, Pauly says he’s tannerexic, Vinny just sits in his pale, white skin and hopes like a prized white tiger no one hunts Guidos for sport. Pauly in some sort of withdrawal delirium tells the tanning wench that he wants the full Monty which includes max lotion at the highest setting, and “I want to go twice.” We were unsure what that would produce, you know, not completely sure this wouldn’t result in Pauly emerging as just a slightly browner version of himself or Don Cheadle. The result is the former. Drat! After everyone is sufficiently bronzed, there’s a day of working out, discussing their affinity for Jersey smog, and finally a trip to the Jersey Shore magician who makes head creations for assholes. This results in a haircut that leaves The Situation with an Astin Martin, an Old Shoe, and a Smurf Sticker drawn into the back of his head. Pauly perfects his high-top light socket look, and Vinny decides on the ever alluring skunk stripe. Ronnie just picks #4 from the Guido book of hair crap.
Later, when the group meets Boss Danny at Captain Hook’s bar and Disney nightmare, they’re looking “fresh to death.” Yes, surely no more motley a crew has ever murdered our eyeballs with their stunning visage. Upon entering they realize it was totally a surprise party! All their friends are there, and you and you Auntie Em! Roger is there, Uncle Nino, Gionni, Vinny’s Mother, and Snooki’s friend Ryder, oh, yes, reused Tupperware Ryder is there. And Mike’s friend The Unit shows up, which is like saying Mike’s shoulder twin complete with hair and teeth is there. Literally, The Unit is a douchey, creepy, loudmouth, jerkoff of the highest order, so naturally he’s some sort of gremlin that pelted itself off from Mike’s disgustingly withered form. Having Ryder and The Unit at Captain Hook’s at the same time is the closest Mike has ever been to a true threesome. He is triple, super, duper excited, because now there may be confirmation of his hook up with Snooki. Mike keeps referring to them both as witnesses to the event like he’s conducting some sort of Guido mock trial. We keep thinking he’ll show up with a briefcase and his own gavel.
And Snooki looks worried. The realization that The Unit WHO KNOWS ALL is mere inches away from Gionni, her knight in bowlegged jeans, has given Snooki some sort of Muppet angina. So the best way to deal with the heart stopping fear of your boyfriend finding out you cheated, and with The Situation no less, Snooki commences in some sort of argument with the Unit while Mike titters with glee. He wants this moment so badly. Sure, he acts like he’s trying to comfort and console Snooki but what he really wants is the truth to come out. HE AND SNOOKI BONED MONKEYS ONE DRUNKEN NIGHT! The thing is…everyone already assumes this is what happened. Ronnie thinks it, JWOWWW believes it. Vinny and Pauly don’t care because regardless she did it and they know she did. So what do you want Mike? Do you want everyone to be grossed out and slightly disturbed, but ultimately not care, because that’s what happening. To keep pushing this will only succeed in you looking like the asshole. Done!
Back at the house where Mike is just counting on a showdown, he and the Unit must prepare for battle…by girling up. They’ve stripped down, the Sitch offers the Unit some basketball shorts because that’s what you do when you’re trying to get a girl in bed get into a fight. Comfort, Fighting, and Free Swinging Balls, that’s Sitch’s motto. Another interesting part of the war ritual is obviously putting cologne on each other, slathering moisturizer on oneself, and finally complimenting the other semi-naked guy in the room with a tongue kiss in the mouth for fifty seconds. No? Well, of course this happened. You didn’t see it?
After The Unit and the Situation are both smelling pretty, they come downstairs for fisticuffs and hair braiding. Nothing doing. Snooki hides to avoid Mike, Vinny goes to bed, and Pauly and Ryder are flirting. Sammi watches Ron attempt to cook some old burger meat probably riddled with dead flies and an old, stained wife beater from last summer, and then the Pauly/Ryder clinical mouth warts swab begins. Heh. It’s pissing Deena off. Is Deena mad that Ryder is some sort of discarded Dental Dam thrown in the corner until someone remembers where she is and takes her for another ride? No. Deena is mad because she’d like to be that Dental Dam! Deena is wondering why Pauly would smush wiggly bits with an old sofa cushion like Ryder and not alluring, shrimpish, bi-sexual her. Obviously wanting an answer, once Ryder and Pauly retire to the cock bed, Deena sits on Pauly’s bed watching them both in the strangest, saddest display of cockblockery ever. We think it’s possible after determining that the sex would happen with or without her in the room, Deena sadly shuffles away while exclaiming that “She’s Happy. Whatever.” She probably ended up face down in her bed covered in a fine sheen of sweat, hatred, and Cocoa Puffs.
The next morning, after Snooki realizes that she successfully avoided celebrating Gionni Finding Out You’re Even More of A Cheater Bastille Day, she apologizes to the Unit for having “anger issues” thereby keeping the peace and keeping Gionni out of the loop for now. But all is still not right in the Jersey Shore home, sad Vinny has a sad.
He’s in a funk. He’s homesick and exhausted — and what no one is really saying — he’s tired of spending every waking minute with this band of cockatoos! Vinny needs a break and a vacation away from the madness before it swallows him like quicksand made of asinine farts. To help break Vinny out of his mood, Ronnie wants to get him a hooker, Deena offers to do sex and he says nah. Rejected again, Deena. They go to the club and there are many aged grenades gyrating around like a slutty Tai Chi class in the park, nothing but old ladies dancing with their pelvises as far as the eye can see. This doesn’t help. He is just too tired, sad, anxious, and stressed. This is probably the worst Mamma’s Boy Streptococcus he’s ever experienced. The boys are trying to help and it’s a series of “Bro, bro, relax, bro, you’re over thinking it bro.” Alas, Vinny comes to the conclusion that he can’t function in this continuous raunch-filled environment, and that he has nothing left to give. He wants to go home. The boys hearing the word “home” realize just how serious he is. They tell him committing Jersey-icide is a mistake, but Vinny is in the throes of despair. He’s wearing his glasses and everything for God’s sake! What will we all do if Vinny breaks one of the Commandments and leaves the house? The rip in our world may prove insurmountable.
Until Next Week!
