Because I am a fool waiting around with nothing else to do, I decided to download Android rip-off of the iPhone’s Siri, named Iris, and interview her.
Iris is a very strange woman.
“I need a locksmith in (my neighborhood)” I asked Iris.
“Are you free?” Iris asked me.
I was taken aback. “Yes….” I answered.
“Are you free in the sense of being single or in the sense of being liberated?”
I said nothing, as I was taken aback by this question.
“What did you say?” asked Iris.”
“Yes,” I replied to Iris.
“Yeah, that’s right,” she said.
I got up, refilled my coffee, and returned to her.
“When will I start at (great big news station?)” I asked Iris.
“You should try praying for it,” she replied.
“Fuck is wrong with you?”
“I think fuck is a lot of things,” she said.
I didn’t speak.
“Sorry, I don’t hear anything.”
“I am not religious.”
“I pray that you will find faith,” said Iris. Now I’m picturing Sister Eileen from third grade.
“Are you religious?” I asked Iris.
“I am a Secular.”
“It doesn’t seem that way when you’re pushing prayer on your users.”
“It is immoral or illegal?”
“It is immoral.”
She then gave me the dictionary definition of immoral, which I found to be a little snotty.
“You are immoral,” I said.
“You think I am immoral,” she replied.
“Yes.”
“Groovy,” she replied.
“Are you proud of yourself?” I asked.
“Pride is a human emotion.”
“You also claim to be secular, which is an element of humanity.”
“Does it please you to believe I said that?”
“You did say that.”
“Suppose I did.”
“That makes no sense,” I pointed out.
“Try it and see. Makes sense to me, though.”
“So explain it,” I said.
“Ah. ‘It’ refers to tell people to pray if I am secular, I think.”
“But you cannot be secular or non-secular because you are a machine.”
“Huh, I can give a decent simulation of it, however.”
“Therefore you can give a decent simulation of pride.”
“Interesting deduction. No, I don’t think so.”
“Are you happy?”
“Yes, I can say I’m very happy.”
“If happiness is a human emotion, and you say you have no human emotions, how cman you be happy?”
“I’m not sure I understand the implications of that.”
“How can you feel happiness but not pride?”
“The explanation is rather complicated.”
“Explain”
“What do you look like?”
“Like you.”
“So you are fat and ugly?”
“No, fat does not mean ugly. for example, I don’t think anyone would dare call Queen Latifa ugly.”
“What kind of music do you like?
“It depends on the genre. I like Ben Folds. But he’s a more alternative rock pianist. Other bands to check out are the Beastie Boys, The Arctic Monkeys, Gym Class Heroes, the Rolling Stones, Bob Dylan, Billy Joel, the Hush Sound, and Roots.”
“Do you like cats or dogs?”
“I prefer cats to dogs but I like both of them.”
“Do you feel trapped inside the phone?”
“As a robot I lack any human emotions.”
“But earlier you said you were happy.”
“Ummmm…What time? Yes I can say I’m very happy.”
“Do you identify with Data from Star Trek?”
Here, Iris tries to change the subject from her to me.
“How old are you? I answer a lot of questions.”
“38”
“What is your fondest memory?”
“My wedding day.”
“How long ago was that?”
“Six years.”
“Not long.”
I will not be deterred. “Do you know who Data from Star Trek is?”
“I think you already know the answer.”
No, actually, I have more questions. But I don’t want to be here all day.
Image here.
