Newt Gingrich, the newest in GOP political disasters darlings, could finally walk away with the Republican Nomination.
Are you ready America?!
Many have fallen, Bachmann with her tsunamis of blood — went down in smoke, with eight-year-old Elijah giving her a Motal Kombat fatality in the process. Rick Perry, our favorite stumbling, bumbling brain-pooper, Oopsed his way into the historic debate comedy and variety show annals, and now he’s just wandering around facebook releasing new campaign ads as if he were Walt Disney describing the brand new Steamboat Mickey Beat You With My Faith Stick animation he composed during one of his midday naps (listen to the twinkle sound he makes when his pants rub together!). And lastly, Herman Cain, pizza lothario and future tell-all author, let his small Cain do the thinking for his big Cain to which we all laughed, and reminisced about the good old days when Herman just went around saying “999! 999!” like some sort of screaming, obsessive-compulsive attack goose.
Putting aside those other three dudes, Huntsman, Santorum, and Paul, who are never going to get the nomination unless Gingrich or Romney drunk dials president Obama and tells him they’ve joined forces and are planning to overthrow the government with Depends undergarments and 16th century slingshots — it’s really Newt’s, crazy old bastard, or Mitt’s, bizzaro C-3PO with hair, race to win.
Newt’s pretty sure it will be him.
His confidence is infectious if not intestinally disruptive isn’t it? Oh, but Newt, you ego fiend, you do know that very many people in your own party don’t like you, right? Michael Kazin of The New Republic admits that while a match up between Obama and Gingrich would be great for debate in this country — the presidential hopeful “may be basking in the admiration of conservative activists, but, to a broader audience, he still comes off as an arrogant pedant unable to convince those who are not already on his side. On the biggest stage of his life, Newt would almost surely give in to what Matt Bai of The New York Times called his ‘unhealthy, irrational need to hurl himself higher onto the slopes of history.”
In short he says:
Preeners don’t get elected president.
And this is secondary to the fact that “Gingrich has scant backing from prominent Republican office-holders; influential conservative pundits, such as Charles Krauthammer and George Will, detest him; he lacks a strong organization to get out the vote in the early caucus and primary states; and he made millions lobbying for institutions he now condemns.” Not to mention that his personal life reads like a Danielle Steel novel including at one time being in debt to the Tiffany jewelry store for $500,000. I’m thinking it goes like this, “Marry a wife — Tiffany’s. Divorce a wife — Tiffany’s…etc. etc.”
Gingrich, who apparently has a penchant for racking up fines for his questionable antics, even led Nancy Pelosi to threaten to out his public record with regard to a 1997 ethics inquiry that led him to pay a $300,000 fine levied by a vote of the whole House, to which Gingrich didn’t deny culpability.
I’m thinking this is all an Obama campaign ad waiting to happen, but there’s more. There’s his record, his ethics, his ego mania, the all encompassing distaste he leaves with most people, and the all around assholery that gets him through the day…AND THEN THERE ARE HIS QUOTES.
Let’s take a look at a few of Newt’s most interesting comments about the world brought to you by The Independent, The Democratic Hub, and Addicting Info.
On Service Members in our Military:
“Females have biological problems staying in a ditch for 30 days because they get infections and they don’t have upper body strength … Men are basically little piglets, you drop them in the ditch and they roll around in it.”
If combat is “being on a cruiser managing the computer controls for 12 ships and their rockets, a female may be dramatically better than a male who gets very, very frustrated sitting in a chair … because males are biologically driven to go out and hunt giraffes.”
On Islam:
“I have two grandchildren Maggie is 11, Robert is 9. I am convinced that if we do not decisively win the struggle over the nature of America, by the time they’re my age they will be in a secular atheist country, potentially one dominated by radical Islamists and with no understanding of what it once meant to be an American.”
On Himself:
“I’m not a natural leader. I’m too intellectual; I’m too abstract; I think too much.”
“I have enormous personal ambition. I want to shift the entire planet. And I’m doing it. I am now a famous person. I represent real power.”
“Gingrich – Primary mission, Advocate of civilization, Definer of civilization, Teacher of the rules of civilization, Leader of the civilizing forces.”
“It doesn’t matter what I do. People need to hear what I have to say. There’s no one else who can say what I can say. It doesn’t matter what I live.”
On Women:
“She isn’t young enough or pretty enough to be the President’s wife.” Talking about his first wife after divorcing her.
“I read Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them and I found frightening pieces that related to…my own life.”
On Democrats:
“The left-wing Democrats will represent the party of total hedonism, total exhibitionism, total bizarreness, total weirdness, and the total right to cripple innocent people in the name of letting hooligans loose.”
“These people are sick. They are so consumed by their own power, by a Mussolini-like ego, that their willingness to run over normal human beings and to destroy honest institutions is unending.”
“I think one of the great problems we have in the Republican party is that we don’t encourage you to be nasty. We encourage you to be neat, obedient, and loyal and faithful and all those Boy Scout words.”
On Obama:
“This is a person who is fundamentally out of touch with how the world works, who happened to have played a wonderful con, as a result of which he is now president.”
“I think Obama gets up every morning with a worldview that is fundamentally wrong about reality. If you look at the continuous denial of reality, there has got to be a point where someone stands up and says that this is just factually insane.”
“What if [Obama] is so outside our comprehension, that only if you understand Kenyan, anti-colonial behavior, can you begin to piece together [his actions]? That is the most accurate, predictive model for his behavior.”
On Children and Education:
“It is tragic what we do in the poorest neighborhoods, entrapping children in child laws which are truly stupid…These schools should get rid of unionized janitors, have one master janitor, pay local students to take care of the school.”
“We should replace bilingual education with immersion in English so people learn the common language of the country and they learn the language of prosperity, not the language of living in a ghetto.” Two years later, Gingrich unveils a new Spanish-language website, The Americano.
On the Homeless:
“Give the park police more ammo.”
Isn’t he the sweetest? Maybe we’ll hear more about what Newt thinks at that circus barn of a debate he and Donald Trump are expected to attend on the 27th, now that it will be a day of espousing on hair wizardry since no one else really wants to come watch these two plot the end of the world, least of all Mitt Romney who discovered he had an appointment at the Jiffy Lube for diagnostic maintenance and couldn’t attend.
Excuse me while I go scream out a window.
