Kim Jong-il has died. The 69 year-old North Korean leader died Saturday of what North Korean media said was a “great mental and physical strain” on his train during a “high intensity field inspection.” The first part most likely points to a heart attack. I have no idea what the second quote means. I’m going to guess the heart attack on the train means that he died while doing the nasty.
Kim was referred to as North Korea’s “Dear Leader.” His father, Kim il Sung, is referred to as the nation’s “Eternal President.” He founded North Korea in 1948.According to legend, Jong-il was born on North Korea’s Mount Paektu in 1942. His birth coincided with a pair of rainbows and a brilliant new start. Other, less batshit insane stories have him being born in Siberia in 1941. Jong-il was fantastic at golf. His first time on the links, he shot 11 holes in one. He was a cinephile, with a 200,000 DVD collection that contained such classics as Friday the 13th and Rambo. He kidnapped two South Korean filmmakers and forced them to remake Godzilla. They escaped when they went to Austria to scout locations for the film’s sequel. They ran away to an American embassy. His gray jumpsuits created a world wide fashion craze. The man did not defecate.
None of those were jokes, by the way. All of that (minus the kidnapping of the filmmakers) is included in his official biography.
So what next? His youngest son, Kim Jong-un, is the nation’s “Great Successor.” Little is known about him. We aren’t even sure how old he is, although the best guess is 27. His number of chins is thought to be three. In May he made a state trip to China. This is crucial as China is North Korea’s sugar daddy. In a nation where seniority is prized, his youth makes it particularly important that China recognize him as the nation’s leader. There are no reports of a power vacuum. There are no signs of any greater instability than normal. It is not thought at this time that a coup will be attempted.
Analysts believe that Jong-un will continue his father and grandfather’s policy of Juche, or self-reliance, and the nation’s military first policy. North Korea has a standing army of 1.21 million people, the fourth largest in the world. It also has nuclear weapons. It is believed that Jong-un will continue to develop their nuclear arsenal.
No one is entirely sure what Jong-un’s rise to power means. It seems at the very least, more of the same. However, if the Young General feels the need to flex his muscles, there could be more attacks on the South Korean peninsula like those last year that killed 50 South Koreans. Either way, China has a vested interest in the existence of North Korea. It doesn’t want South Korea invading and putting a United States ally on its border. North Korea is China’s dysfunctional, repressive buffer.
Hennessy is said to be in mourning. Kim Jong-Il was the liquor’s biggest customer. He spent almost $750,000 a year on the beverage.
