Well, if hearing some of the songs by Journey and Foreigner weren’t already fraught with enough Glee induced pap that it’s like dousing your eardrums in battery acid — here’s Hollywood’s latest attempt at auditory suicide, Rock of Ages: The Musical, or The Depressing Thing Tom Cruise is Doing Now or Russell Brand Hasn’t Been Deported Yet!
Wow, 2012 is shaping up to be a sure winner with all these so relevant and hardly able to contain the excitement movies on tap! This latest thing is some sort of sugary-shitball of a Broadway musical turned movie and all the wondrous joy that usually brings. Haven’t we seen this movie so many times before? Didn’t Marky Mark do this thing with Jennifer Aniston? Didn’t we go on a road trip to see KISS? Haven’t we rocked and rolled in spoofy, silly, goofy, one-note movies about people we hardly remember, and more to the point, can’t fathom why there’s a story worthy of 90 minutes to tell about their rise to trashing hotel rooms? Apparently not.
In this latest entry, the ballroom dancer from a show known for its dramatic appeal, Dancing With the Stars, is a movie actress now, like as in appearing in bad 80’s remakes, or now in bad 80’s slop-crap house movies about Alec Baldwin’s chest full of wolf-pelt, Catherine Zeta Jones’ mostly retired puritanical ranting, Russell Brand’s cockney mouth spewage, and finally Tom Cruise’s smallish, nipple-gnome fracas as he struts across a stage and supposedly sings songs in a pitch lower than a dog whistle. So there’s that. This looks like absolute hell on celluloid.
Don’t go see this. This is a root canal in live action.
