Tonight all of music’s greats will come out to win a large pyramid and maybe warble a few tunes live. We’ll forget that the AMA’s are sort of like the boring cousin of the music industry. You love them sort of, but really you want to put your finger in its ear and call it lame. Anyhoo! There will be a Katy Perry pink cupcake person! Justin Bieber, twelve year-old singer and former accused baby daddy, will Christmas everyone with song! Nicki Minaj probably wearing a windmill on her assets will do that thing she does! Should be fun or a disaster!
Let’s get drunk on Sunday night! This is the American Music Award code name. Red carpet 7-8pm Est. Live show from 8-11pm Est.
7:50 Bieber sighting. He looks like Rachel Maddow swathed in velvet.
7:55 Katy Perry has spun cotton candy on her head. This was expected, no?
7:56 Taylor Swift is speaking about her tour and Thanksgiving….zzzzz…turkey…zzzzz…Katy Perry…zzzz we have cats….
7:59 OUTRAGEOUS! Lionel Ritchie is talking about Nicki Minaj and this is a scary thing.
8:02 Minaj perfoms as some sort of Gaga/Rhianna robot with stove burners on her ass.
8:08 Maroon 5 wins Best Pop Rock Group or Duo for a song that you probably don’t ever want to hear again and will soon be played in Supermarkets across the land, Move Like Jagger, which to the excitement of every Shop Rite across the land…will be performed live later.
8:15 Favorite Country Female, which sounds like an accusation, has gone to Taylor Swift…BIG SURPRISE THERE!
8:18 First warbler of the night…Justin Bieber dressed as Michael Jackson’s Captain EO, or a tube of Colgate, is singing (off-key) about Christmas or extended puberty and voice changes. Definitely one of those things.
8:23 Chris Brown performs. He sang. He danced. That is all.
::Dinner Break::
While I was gone apparently JLo sang her Fiat commercial which I’m glad I missed.
9:17 One Republic sang an off key version of that song that’s mostly heard on the CW channel during every one of the shows on that network.
9:18 Nicki Minaj and her stupid shoes won another award. Seriously if you can’t walk in them what’s the point? Might as well strap on ice skates and teeter around.
9:20 Nicki Minaj needs a seeing eye person to help her walk across the stage in some ridiculous heels as she wins her first award.
9:21 Benjamin Bratt who now looks seventy introduces Pittbull.
9:22 Marc Anthony or affectionately known as “the former JLo attachment and new spokesperson for Kohls” is doing some sort of singing thing with Pittbull which looks uncomfortable.
9:30 Katy Perry wearing a Pepto Bismal explosion with Joan Crawford shoulder pads sang a sad song using a sad twang.
9:47 JLo wins an award and is flustered (much like your mom when she loses her keys) and speaks a little Spanish. Well, that was nice.
9:49 Holy Shit! Alanis Morrisette for no reason. Fantastic. Maybe. Comeback?
9:50 Nope. Not liking Mary J Blige’s weave. Baby, you could have done better with that.
10:00 Maroon Five is singing that damnable song. And they just showed Taylor Swift dancing spastically…the laughing, it chokes me.
10:04 Christina Aguilera…um. I don’t think I would have worn that dress. No. I just don’t think I would have done that. That’s all I’m going to say.
10:16 Drake and Chris Brown are dorm roommates. It must be laundry day, t-shirts and sweatshirts…this is what passes for performance attire.
10:21 Bruno Mars just won an award and music’s soul just died a little at the same time.
10:32 Taylor Swift won her 37th award of the night, but this one has Katherine Heigl cooties on it. Heh.
10:40 Will i. am., J. Lo and glowing balls…inexplicable Mick Jagger…there’s a joke here. Also, this was one of the worst performances I’ve ever seen on the AMAs. Yikes.
10:50 Taylor Swift wins Artist of the Year for the second time in a row. I’m bored, and she’s talking nonstop. Blech.
10:59 What the hell. FUCKING DAVID HASSELHOFF AND LMAFO! That’s it. Insanity reigns.
