Frankly, we would have preferred Pigs From Space, but that’s not in the cards; Zombies to take over all of teevee; Droids at the breakfast table, now that’s progress; Nic Cage strikes again! But this time we could possibly like it. Protest corporations not Batmobiles…and much, much, more!
Today’s Hollywood Caller is bursting at the seams!
Michael Bay Has Been Sent to Destroy Us All: You ever feel rage so hot that it literally burns the inside of your aorta and about a third of your esophagus? No, I’m not talking about having some monstrous heartburn after that third burrito, I mean, having a full out rage manifestation that could power Newark, New Jersey? Yes, well here you go. Hasbro is in active discussions with Michael Bay, tortuous robot ruiner goblin of all things ever, and Steven Spielberg, prolific director turned horrible movie enabler, to make a FOURTH TRANSFORMERS MOVIE! Bomb! Explosion! Mega Death! Evisceration! That had nothing to do with the movie, that was in fact my brain exploding. I’m dead. I’m literally no longer alive. Michael Bay has destroyed my fervent hope that crap movies made with stupid actors and deranged directors won’t get made, because obviously we’re a masochistic society that likes movies that are the equivalent to virulent projectile vomit covered in egg salad. That’s what this is. It’s a contagion. I’d like Matt Damon to beat someone to death with a magazine. I’m moving to Japan. [Deadline]
Hollywood Will Continue their Over-Saturation of Zombies: Now that The Walking Dead has walked off with 7.3 million viewers in its premiere episode, what will all other networks do to celebrate? Well, attempt to make their own zombie shows, that’s what! Can this be a competition? I’d like this to be a competition, and all winners get to eat the limbs off of the losing television execs. Seriously. We should call this whole thing Survivor: Zombie Island or Last Zombie Standing or The Zombie Sing-Off. Let Guy Fieri be the host, and every time he points his finger guns at anyone, a pack of wild zombies will try and eat them off. I’m all for this. Or maybe you guys can just watch a new Fox half-hour comedy based on the movie Zombieland which starred Jesse Eisenberg, Woody Harrelson and Emma Stone, and will now star James Van Der Beek, Tony Danza, and Shannon Doherty (I’m kidding…or am I?). Six of one. My idea is better. [THR]
You Guys Forgot About Small Wonder Didn’t You?: So much robot news today. Zombies and Robots. The future is going to be fooking spectacular you guys! You’ll be the undead or a droid. Either way you won’t really exist anymore! Aren’t apocalypses fun! Anyway, the creators of Big Love are developing a new show for HBO, but this will be about an interracial family and their humanoid robot. Will she stare blankly at everyone while she lifts an entire sofa? Will her monotone voice scare the bejeezus out of young people in the 1980’s? No? Okay, fine. This will probably do just as well as that Steven Spielberg sensation AI. Oh, wait, everyone hated that thing? Okay, okay, what about that one movie with Robin Williams about the robot who figures out how to become a real person?! Oh, that kind of sucked too! Lt. Commander Data what will they do?! Well, it looks like they’ll swear intensely that this won’t be anything about science fiction, it’ll just be about robots living amongst humans. And robots that live with humans is something that’s happening regularly right now, right? Right. “Oh, um, Robot Jeeves, can you bring more lemon for my sparkling water? It’s getting all bland.” [Vulture]
Nicolas Cage Remembers He Won An Oscar: The hair wizard and king of scowls has signed on to do a psycho-thriller from Germany. Oh, well, there you go, Nic. This sounds like something that has nothing to do with alien puzzles, or being a hit man in Bangkok or whatever else you and your hair pelt have been doing for the last half decade. The $13 million feature based on the French TV thriller Papillon noir called Black Butterfly will star Cage as a reclusive author named Paul who befriends a drifter with fatal consequences. Could this be that movie for Nic Cage? You know that movie guys of his age eventually get around to making after they realize no one wants to see them jump out of an airplane, or fight terrorists anymore? Possibly. Good Luck, Nic. Let’s do more films like this and considerably less of the ones where your skull is on fire. [THR]
Time to Occupy the Batmobile!: Hey, protestors, do you guys think you’re the only important thing happening in Gotham? Don’t answer that. Anyway, despite all your Captain America costumery, there’s going to be a real caped crusader in your midst pretty soon. Is this a good thing? I dunno. But what I do know is that he’s sort of unhinged, he has a bit of a savior complex, and he fights for the little people…so, um, mascot? The cast of the Dark Knight Rises has gotten word that they’ll film some scenes around the protests. They’ve applied for permits under the name “Magnus Rex.” Which sounds kind of awesome. Don’t get too excited though, even if footage of the Zuccotti Park protests could be used as a backdrop, it likely won’t get written in the script. Bummer, right? The production is moving to NYC sometime this month so don’t be surprised if you see a bat signal or something! Note that while the characters live in “a city besieged by crime and corruption,” which is pretty on message, “Appearing in a $250 million budget movie” is likely not. Uh, oh. Controversy. Quick! Somebody make a sign! [THR]
Also! Er, what? MTV has put out an ad in Craigslist imploring participants of Occupy Wall Street come and audition for season 9,000 of that limping hot bastard of a reality show corpse The Real World, because that’s exactly why they’re there, MTV. The ad says, “Are you part of the Occupy Wall Street Movement? MTV’s Real World is seeking cast members to tell their unique stories on our show. If you are over the age of 20 and appear to be between the ages of 20-24, and the description below sounds like you, we want to hear from you!” There’s also a request for recent photos, bio and contact information. Soooo, what if you appear to be like 32 even though you’re 20, does this mean you’re out? Yes. Nice, MTV. Good that you guys are looking to support the movement with um…drunkeness and possibly herpes. Just Doing Your Part! Sensational. [Deadline]
Today in Hollywood Star News:
RDJ Defends Crazy Man and Former Co-Star: At the American Cinematheque tribute held on Friday night, Robert Downey Jr., honoree, implored that Hollywood give odious nutterbean Mel Gibson another chance. Now, yes, RDJ, we know that Hollywood gave you a buttload of chances after you spent most of the 80’s and 90’s festooned with whores and heroin, however, there are no taped recordings of your epic, absolute meltdown. Downey said at the event, “Unless you are without sin – and if you are, you are in the wrong [expletive] industry, you should forgive him and let him work,” to much applause. Doling out absolution to Gibson is probably going to be a bigger pill to swallow, but you know, nothing surprises us about Hollywood anymore. [Deadline]
Securing Those Borders the Above the Law Way: Steven Seagal was recently sworn in as the Hudspeth, Texas’ County Sheriff department’s newest deputy sheriff. He’ll (and I’m not kidding when I say this) work full-time, using his martial arts skills (a 7th dan black belt in Aikido), to help secure the border. I reallllyyyy don’t want to make reference to the fact twenty years ago this would have TOTALLY BEEN THE PREMISE FOR A STEVEN SEAGAL MOVIE called Border Patrol co-starring Kelly LeBrock and Erica Eleniack. [THR]
Susan Sarandon and Sinéad O’Connor Probably Won’t be Invited to Tea with the Pope: This weekend during an interview with actor Bob Balaban, Sarandon said she sent the Pope a copy of the anti death penalty book, Dead Man Walking, and offered this bit of clarification as to which Pope received her package, “The last one, not this Nazi one we have now.” Well, as expected, that didn’t exactly go over well. The Anti-Defamation League and the Catholic League of America have both called for an apology from the award-winning actress stating that such remarks were both “obscene” and a “disturbing, deeply offensive and completely uncalled for attack on the good name of Pope Benedict XVI.” No word yet from Sarandon on the matter. [THR]
Sean Penn Gets to the Heart of the Tea Party: During his appearance Friday on CNN’s Piers Morgan Tonight, the actor accused the Tea Party of being a “distraction” in the upcoming presidential elections. He’s also accused the movement of being motivated by a primarily racist agenda, The Hollywood Reporter reports. He said that the party exists only to get President Obama out of office saying, “You have what I call the ‘Get the N-word out of the White House party,’ the Tea Party. This kind of sensibility, which is much more of a distraction.” Not couching his words, Penn added that most members don’t really know much about the issues this country is facing and “At the end of the day, there’s a big bubble coming out of their heads, saying, ‘Can we just lynch him?” Wow, pretty heavy words from the actor and activist. Didn’t I say last week that the Philosophy of Spicoli is pretty intense. I think it should be its own thing like Taoism. [THR]
Casting News:
- Charlie Sheen, crazy, man-goat, has wrapped a series of pitch meetings for his new show, Anger Management. FX, USA, Comedy Central and TV Land have reportedly shown interest, but they all thought it was 2003 before they woke up and realized they’d been talking to 2011 Charlie Sheen for over an hour. [Deadline]
- Mickey Rourke will not be in Sylvester Stallone’s Expendables sequel, mostly because he’s been offered a better gig starring Colin Farrell, Sam Rockwell, and Christopher Walken called Seven Psychopaths. Yawr, I’d trade those psychopaths over the other group too. [Deadline]
- Singing fairy-monster, Anne Hathaway, has joined the Les Miserables remake as the character Fantine. She’ll get another chance to sing and jig alongside robot boxer, Hugh Jackman and grumbly, grunt person, Russell Crowe. [Deadline]
- Kevin “Drama” Dillon needs a new gig. Sorry, Drama. CBS has pulled his new show How to Be a Gentleman after just one airing. Ouch. [Deadline]
