Hey kids, shake it loose together. It’s the final challenge before the Fashion Week kids are chosen. Are you excited? Are you thrilled? Are you filled with a lingering ennui, one that can’t be shaken no matter how many cigarettes you smoke, drinks you drink, bums you roll in an alley? No? Just me? Well, then, on with the show!
We join Smeagol and Gay Ryan Reynolds in their room at Atlas, where they discuss Miss Bertina. Oh, Miss Bertina, how we mis-judged you, they lament. You should have stayed and Kimberly Goodpants should have left, wails Smeagol. We hardly knew ye, weeps Gay Ryan Reynolds. How sentimental. A quick fade over to the ladeez and it’s all back-slapping and smiles. What is our lesson to learn here? Spoilers and more, after the jump.
A quick cut to the runway and Heidi walks out wearing around her neck a huge gold and pearl encrusted medallion from 1972. Is this medallion the key to her secret super model powers? Heidi speaks a few words of Old German, waves her arms mystically and the sewtestants are instantly transported to a ferry on the Hudson, on their way to Governor’s Island. Fog and low-lying clouds hang over the boat. Well done, Heidi, or should I say, Baba Yaga?
On Governor’s Island, Tim lays out the challenge. Get on this golf cart, troll around the island, take pictures of things, then make up a story about the three dresses you designed last night that incorporates whatever you took pictures of. OK, and GO! Smeagol cheaps out and says, I’m not into anything here, I’m thinking about the Manhattan skyline. Which, I suppose, is fair, because OK, he’s on Governor’s Island and he can see Manhattan, so he could be inspired by that, but technically, he’s not using anything ON the island. Oy. Miss Gay Ryan Reynolds goes all weepy patriotic and talks about her brother in the military (branch not disclosed) and invokes the spirit of Tina Turner: “I wanna do it hard, and I wanna do it soft. Are you with me?” Not in those crazy shorts, Gay Ryan Reynolds. Not in those shorts, we are not with you, not one bit. Racist Barbie sees a fence that has some wrought iron circles, and stops there. Circles. Done. Really, Barbie? All these wonderful sculptures and you stare at a fence. Nice. Enya takes lots of pictures of the sculptures (yay Enya!) and talks about being inspired by positive and negative spaces created by the sculptures. Again, yay Enya! You go. Kimberly Goodpants finds one sculpture of the cast of Glee called “New Directions,” and she decides that’s her ticket to the finale.
A quick trip back on the ferry and off to Mood, where Racist Barbie spends $200 more than her budget. Oh, Barbie, math is hard, huh?
At Parson’s, Tim brings out the button bag. Yay, we’re bringing back sewtestants who were eliminated! That’s always pleasant and never awkward, right? Keep in mind — each of the final 5 got who they wanted. The match up: Kimberly Goodpants and Blecky. Smeagol and Ohio Oliver. Racist Barbie and Colorblind Uniball. Enya and Miss Bertina, and that leaves Gay Ryan Reynolds and The Horrible Bryce Experience. Such a range of attitudes from the “design assistants.” Miss Bertina says “you tell me what to do, I’m paid by the hour” where Ohio Oliver whinges “I’m a, slaaaaaave, for Smeagol.”
Because the Drama Meter over on the PiperLime Wall Of Thoughtfulness is getting dangerously low, Gay Ryan Reynolds starts smack-whispering about the other sewtestants. Enya pretends to be offended and goes over to Racist Barbie to mock-complain about Gay Ryan Reynolds’s pretend-smack-stage-whispers. Oh, everyone, clap real hard and the Drama Meter will be full and glowing once again! Come on, Tinkerbell needs you! Oops, wrong show.
Tim swans into the workroom, lookin all gorge, you know, like he do, and he is giving Concerned Look Number Five. Oh, Tim. Won’t you come over here and Look Concerned at me? Puh-leeeeeze? What’s that? Your hourly rate? Oh, fiddlesticks.
The final products, or in some cases, what the designers settled for, take their trip down the runway, and then it’s time for the judging. Gay Ryan Reynolds is up first: his silver Lurex gown looks cheap since it’s not lined. The silver skirt and cheerleader top? Kinda yuck. The short white tennis dress with heavy mesh shoulder yoke? Meh. All in all, the three looks don’t mesh, it’s not a cohesive collection.
Kimberly Goodpants is up next, and the big orange coat? Not looking great. What happened to her Chrysler Building dress? The silver brocade dress, especially the top, was very well received.
Racist Barbie brings out her circles, and the gown? Could be something for Florence + The Machine, yes? Poorly constructed in the back, but, that’s what happens sometimes. The slip skirt and funky jacket, could have been a contender but really didn’t live up to its potential. Her third look has no circles, and looks like a pillowcase with some black ribbon around it. Michael tells it like it t-i-s: Girl, ya choked.
Enya’s models slink onto the runway and Enya fires up her patois. The judges are beaming. Meana Garzilla is loving the concise collection. Heidi picks at Enya’s white dress (which Enya put on her model backwards, nice job there). Overall, Enya gets a lot of love.
Bringing up the rear, Smeagol, in his bow tie festooned with shiny spikes (what? Is he trying to be from the Addams Family?) shows his three looks which can be found at Chico’s. It’s kind of secretarial.
The traditional “why should you go to Fashion Week and who would you take with you” volley is fired across the bow of the runway. Errybody picks Enya to go! You go Enya. In a change from previous seasons, there’s no smack talking about who should not go. Remember the season with Jeffrey Sebelia and his nasty mouth? Ooh lord that was some foulness.
A quick deliberation, and Enya is the winnah! Yay Enya! Smeagol is also going to Fashion Week, as is Gay Ryan Reynolds. Then it’s down to Kimberly Goodpants and Racist Barbie. Oh girl you got to let us know, who will stay and who will go? In the end, Kimberly Goodpants breaks the tape and leaves Racist Barbie in the dust.
