Hi there. Are you centered? Are you grounded? Let’s do a few deep breaths, and get into our me-space.
This week on Project Runway, also known as Amateur Therapy Hour, we saw so many emotions, didn’t we? So many emotions, all mixed up in a big old stew of crazy. You need a tissue? Here, take the box. Looks like our remaining sewtestants were divided into two groups in some sort of daisy-chain selection method, where each person selected then turns around and selects the next team member. Very John Dewey, wouldn’t you say?
Now, before you click ahead to read more, remember your trigger words, because there’s spoilers under the link.
Speaking of stewing, looks like someone’s been stewing in their own juices, hey? Yes, Gay Ryan Reynolds is who I was thinking of. Gosh, he’s got a whole lot of weird energy stored up in his pretty little head. How does it make you feel when he tries to work out some childhood issues by screaming at the other contestants on the show? Uncomfortable? That’s perfectly normal and understandable. He certainly had some big ole blowouts this week. First, he got hung up on designing for The Village People, and his team mates weren’t having that, so they came up with clocks and amoebas and scary clowns. Always the scary clowns, eh? Yes, yes, I know that clowns are a trigger for you. But de-sensitizing you to that stimuli is part of why we’re here, so hang on to your garters because here comes Tim Curry dressed as Pennywise!
Oh, honey, you can stop hiding behind the couch. Tim Curry isn’t here. You don’t pay me enough to have something like that happen. Anydoodles, let’s look at Gay Ryan Reynolds and his Drama Addiction. Zoom in on that scene where Miss Bertina does her usual muttering about everything as she can’t get her printer to work. Yep, there it is. Gay Ryan Reynolds just went to town, saying Miss Bertina had a potty mouth and he. Was not. Going. To Have. It. Obviously Gay Ryan Reynolds has learned his interpersonal skills from repeated viewings of the Lindsay Lohan classic, Mean Girls, wouldn’t you agree? I think so, too. Gay Ryan Reynolds has several breakdowns and ends up calling his father, adding a sort of Real World touch to the proceedings, don’t you think? Yes, you’re right, it is the Bunim-Murray team that produces this show now, and they did also produce that other show, didn’t they. I guess they do what they do.
Thankfully, Gay Ryan Reynolds did get that two-meter-long lead pipe out of his ass and apologized to everyone for his Drama. Good job, Gay Ryan Reynolds, it’s making amends that makes you a better person.
Now, over on the winning team, we’ve got Ohio Oliver, Colorblind Uniball, Enya, Smeagol, and Bryce. Doesn’t seem like much of a team, does it? And yet, because they are all Get-Along-Kids™, this team works. They come up with a name and a theme (Chaos) and they create prints (one of my favorite challenges) and they come up with common design elements (hair, makeup, square opening in the back of the garment) in what seems like an effortless process. Perhaps there is something to this culture of self-esteem, everybody wins, nobody loses that we’re raising the kids in today. Enough about them, who wants to discuss functioning adults? Not me.
Back to the losing team. There’s Gay Ryan Reynolds, as previously mentioned, along with Miss Bertina, Blecky, Racist Barbie, and Kimberly. While Miss Bertina is supportive of Blecky’s Blah Skirt, Gay Ryan Reynolds and Racist Barbie are not loving it and they tell her to remake it. Remake it she does, in three different fabrics. Stand up for yourself, Blecky! Call me, let’s work on that self-esteem.
Tim Gunn swans on into the workroom and he is a vision in a purple check shirt and a purple paisley tie. So easy on the eyes, Tim. Oh wait, this isn’t about me, is it? Yes, back to you. And Team Loser. Do you find it odd that Team Loser chooses Nuts and Bolts as their team name? Shouldn’t they be Team Chaos? Or should they have chosen to be Team Losers? How do you feel about that?
Tim sees that Team Losers is in complete disarray and calls for a Kumbaya Moment. All the designers join hands at his direction and they pledge to not tear each others’ extensions out. Will this be enough for Team Losers? Will Gay Ryan Reynolds get a grip?
Gay Ryan Reynolds, not having enough outlets for his manic energy, tells Racist Barbie that they are going to go out and shoot some footage for their video. This turns into an extended montage of shoe fetish scenes, girls leaving cabs, and a quick visit to an antiques shop to literally take pictures of clocks. How do you think Gay Ryan Reynolds and Racist Barbie could have been more creative? And how does Gay Ryan Reynolds’s obviously superior ability to be a streetwalker in huge yellow heels affect your world view?
Back at Parsons, it’s lunch time and Racist Barbie is chatting with Enya… from the other team… about Blecky. What is the first word that comes into your mind when you see this? Traitor? That’s an excellent word. Stay with that. Notice that when Blecky sits down to engage Racist Barbie and find out what she was saying Racist Barbie ups and walks away. Racist Barbie, that’s very passive aggressive. Call me so we can work on your behavior appropriateness.
On the runway, it’s not really a matter of judging or critiquing, is it? As we can all tell the sky is blue (except for Colorblind Uniball) and fire is hot, it’s obvious that Team Chaos is the winner. Heidi sends Team Chaos off to the stew room and the judges seem eager to dress down Team Loser, don’t they? What did you feel when you saw Michael Kors’ rabid expression? Were you scared? Elated? Surprised? Two out of three?
Speaking off the record, all the judges need to be commended for their restraint. Telling Gay Ryan Reynolds that his print is awful because what woman wants to go out in a skirt or pair of pants that says “CANCELED” and “DELAYED” right in the crotchal area was the right thing to do. Each of the team members bad-mouthed at least one other team member, then it was time to go stew.
Team Chaos came out and no one would declare a winner, so they all voted for themselves, except for Bryce, who voted for Enya, thereby giving her the win. Right on, Enya.
Team Loser returns to the stage, and it’s between Gay Ryan Reynolds and Blecky. Who will go? Who will stay? Do you think Gay Ryan Reynolds will go because he was responsible for the awful video and the awful print and his design this week was kinda craptacular? Or do you think Blecky will go because her stuff is B to the O to the RING? It’s the boring, isn’t it? Yes, I think you’re getting a lot out of these sessions, because you’re right. Gay Ryan Reynolds is saved to create more drama in future episodes, and Blecky is set free to go bore someone else. Note to Blecky: Kudos on coming up with an original exit speech. No “thanks for this opportunity.” For this I thank you.
And that’s our time! Please pay the cashier on the way out and be sure to write in your journal every day.
