Avant-garde:
Noun:
Those artists, writers, musicians, etc., whose techniques and ideas are markedly experimental or in advance of those generally accepted.
Adjective:
1. Of such artists, etc., their ideas, or techniques
2. Radical; daring
3. Not found on Project Runway
(psst! spoilers inside!)
As we join our designers, Colorblind Uniball and Miss Bertina have announced a detente, a pause in the hostilities. An end to this endless war. Does anyone suspect Miss Bertina upped her meds and is now on an even keel? In the Lady apartment, Racist Barbie admits she doesn’t like Blecky, and Blecky awkwardly thanks her for making her feel welcome. Gotta love the awkward.
March, march, march off to the runway. Sieg Heidi! Miss Klum informs the sewtestants it’s time to go back to school and of course Uniball guesses the challenge wrong. So wrong. No, you’re not making garments for teachers or students. You are working with the students, you schmo.
At the Harlem School of the arts, Smeagol lets us know he ain’t into it, nah-way and he’s gonna require a cocktail in order to work with the kiddums. Tim pairs up the sewtestants with their student partners, and it’s off to the races. Non Gay Mormon Josh is the nervous girl in the class, begging his teenage girl partner to like him. Please like him, teenage girl. Miss girl loves wolves, so they paint a wolf taking a dump. How appropriate. Ohio Oliver tells his teen partner that he likes depressive music. Quelle surprise, Ohio Oliver. Quelle suprise.
The kids and sewtestants finish their collaborative paintings, and the drawrings begin. Smeagol says he’s never having kids. Thank you, Smeagol. Gay Ryan Reynolds admits he likes things that are fake. Wow, so much revelation today!
Before you know it, drawring time is over and it’s time to saunter off to Mood. Running in the aisles! Tim chasing an adorable dog! Expensive fabrics! Lots of yardage! Ohio Oliver “selects” chiffon and he’s never worked with it — no, Ohio Oliver, no! Non Gay Mormon Josh had a $300 budget and only spent $170! And he bought red and black faux fur! Oh, Non Gay Mormon Josh! You are in biiig trouble.
In the workroom, Smeagol talks shit about all the other designers. Oh, Smeagol. You are not all that and you are not a bag of chips. You are a pile of wet leaves stuffed into a discarded gym bag, that’s what you are.
Gay Ryan Reynolds. Oh, Gay Ryan Reynolds. What is with this outfit you’re wearing. A sheer-backed tank top. Jorts. Mid-calf boots exposing calf-high black dress socks held up with garters. Just… what. Someone please teleport Austin Scarlett in there because he can fix up Gay Ryan Reynolds, toot sweet.
Miss Bertina, sweet thing, what is with the silhouette on those pants? Girl. Come on. Huge gray hips and tapering down to tight ankles and weird little shapes applique’d hither and yon. This is not avant-garde, this is 1985 that you are working. Nice to see you talking with your family in this week’s Video Jail chat. What was with flipping off your sister when she tells you to make it work, Miss Bertina? Up those meds a big more, mmmkay?
A quick trip back to Atlas for some boys vs. girls shit talking, and then we’re back in the workroom. Yay workroom!
Tim brings the kidlets in to the workroom so they can see how badly the sewtestants have interpreted their designs. Blecky channels Q-Bert and starts creating green cubes that she mounts onto her gray dress. More cubes, Blecky! More and bigger! Blecky does not like Racist Barbie’s dress, which means Racist Barbie will probably win. Sorry, Blecky, that’s just the way of the world.
All kinds of fun stuff happens at the model fitting and final run-up to the runway. Miss Bertina’s “big booty pants” look so bad, they are “pain”ts. For some reason, he does not see this. Smeagol thinks Miss Bertina’s paints are “fun to look at.” Smeagol needs glasses. Non Gay Mormon Josh takes the wolf idea and throws on some pirate ruffles and some vampire flair. Racist Barbie and Smeagol tell him the T, tell him really, honey, it’s all kinds of awful, but Non Gay Mormon Josh really doesn’t have enough time to fix everything. Ohio Oliver thought it would be a good idea to glue his unfinished clothes to his model and Tim catches him in the act. Yay Tim for telling him that is a big no-no! Yes, we do see sewtestants using tacky glue and hot glue guns on their fabrics, but… no. No gluing fabric onto people, Ohio Oliver. Thanks for the bonus model booby flash, though. That was special.
We are treated a mercifully quick runway walk and then the judges bring the snark. Sitting in for Nina is Zanna(do) Roberts Rossi and our guest judge is my pretend husband Kenneth Cole.
Kimberly, Smeagol, Blecky, Bryce, Enya are all safe and move on to next week. Now the judges sharpen their knives and get to cutting. In the stew room, Smeagol declares Miss Bertina’s “paints” the winner. Yeah, no.
Gay Ryan Reynolds: Errybody likes the neoprene skirt with the painting. Michael feels this could be wearable with a few small changes.
Non Gay Mormon Josh: Michael says Victorian Cocktail Waitress in Vegas. Zanna(do) calls it trashy. Heidi says it’s a Halloween Hooker look.
Miss Bertina: Zanna(do) says no one wants to wear this. Michael says although avant garde doesn’t have to be beautiful, this is ugly and not modern. Heidi liked it because it wasn’t boring. Heidi has a low stimulation threshold.
Racist Barbie: While Zanna(do) didn’t get the inspiration, everybody else was into it.
Ohio Oliver: Heidi thinks it looks sad. Zanna(do) points out that the top is well made but the skirt is bad and boring. My huuuuusband says it isn’t boring because it is so poorly made. Owie wowie. Michael brings the pain and says it looks like Mood exploded on Ohio Oliver’s model.
Colorblind Uniball: Heidi loves it and says you’re colorblind but do beautiful things with color. Kenneth thinks it looks unfinished. Zanna(do) says it’s a cool dress.
Who’s In, and Who’s Auf
Colorblind Uniball is the winner and receives immunity. His reaction? “I’m a bride.” Didn’t see that one coming from a mile away, did we? Gay Ryan Reynolds comes in second. Racist Barbie third. Bert is fourth, top of the bottom three.
We’re down to Non Gay Mormon Josh and Ohio Oliver. First the eyes, then the twitch, first one to scream, gets it in the tits. In the end, Ohio Oliver’s poorly constructed blah wins over Non Gay Mormon Josh’s Vegas Hooker Pirate Cocktail Waitress Hot Topix thang. Shrewd move on Smeagol and Ohio Oliver’s part to bring Non Gay Mormon Josh back when Suh-SILL-yuh quit, don’t you think?
Next Week On Project Runway
The designers are put into two teams of five and you know there’s going to be some claws a-comin’ out, girrl!
Image via Fotopedia.com
