Welcome to the 63rd Annual Primetime Emmy Awards. The hilarious and irreverent Jane Lynch will do this hosting honors this evening. Let’s hope that Ian Brennan who writes lines like “So you like show tunes. It doesn’t mean you’re gay. It just means you’re awful.” for Sue Sylvester on Glee is writing for her tonight.
Who should win? Who will win? Meh. Who cares. The real issue is WHAT IS EVERYONE GOING TO BE WEARING?! So far as nominees go, major snubs include anything and everything True Blood; Lea Michele; all things Desperate Housewives, except for the woman who died season one and for whatever reason continues to narrate the show; past winner and one degree from Kevin Bacon, Kyra Sedgewick; and Sons of Anarchy. Here are the actual nominees, with my winner predictions (based on a combination of my own personal preferences and boring Emmy voters history) in bold.
Supporting drama actor: Andre Braugher, Men of a Certain Age; John Slattery, Mad Men; Alan Cumming, The Good Wife; Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones (I know my audience); Josh Charles, The Good Wife; Walton Goggins, Justified.
Supporting comedy actor: Ty Burrell, Modern Family; Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Modern Family; Ed O’Neill, Modern Family; Eric Stonestreet, Modern Family; Jon Cryer, Two and a Half Men; Chris Colfer, Glee. **Tough category to pick but Stonestreet’s over-the-top yet genuine Cameron is perfection.
Supporting comedy actress: Julie Bowen, Modern Family; Sofia Vergara, Modern Family; Jane Lynch, Glee; Betty White, Hot in Cleveland; Kristen Wiig, Saturday Night Live; Jane Krakowski, 30 Rock. **Again, tough category but my personal fav is Vergara, who won the life lottery by being both impossibly gorgeous and comedically talented.
Supporting drama actress: Archie Panjabi, The Good Wife; Kelly Macdonald, Boardwalk Empire; Christine Baranski, The Good Wife; Michelle Forbes, The Killing; Margo Martindale, Justified; Christina Hendricks, Mad Men.
Movie or miniseries: Mildred Pierce, HBO (duh); Downtown Abbey, PBS; The Kennedys, ReelzChannel; Cinema Verite, HBO; Too Big To Fail, HBO; Pillars of the Earth, Starz.
Reality competition: So You Think You Can Dance, Top Chef, The Amazing Race, American Idol, Dancing With the Stars, Project Runway.
Reality host: Jeff Probst, Survivor; Cat Deeley, So You Think You Can Dance; Phil Keoghan, Amazing Race; Tom Bergeron, Dancing With the Stars; Ryan Seacrest, American Idol.
Variety, music or comedy series: The Colbert Report, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live, Conan, Real Time with Bill Maher, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.
Drama actress: Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife; Elisabeth Moss, Mad Men; Mariska Hargitay, Law & Order: SVU; Kathy Bates, Harry’s Law; Connie Britton, Friday Night Lights and Mireille Enos, The Killing.
Comedy actor: Steve Carell, The Office (a nice farewell gift); Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock; Jim Parsons, Big Bang Theory; Matt LeBlanc, Episodes, Louis C.K., Louie; Johnny Galecki, Big Bang Theory.
Drama actor: Jon Hamm, Mad Men; Steve Buscemi, Boardwalk Empire; Kyle Chandler, Friday Night Lights; Michael C. Hall, Dexter; Hugh Laurie, House; Timothy Olyphant, Justified.
Comedy actress: Tina Fey, 30 Rock; Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie; Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation; Laura Linney, The Big C; Martha Plimpton, Raising Hope; Melissa McCarthy, Mike & Molly. **Each of these actresses are brilliant in their roles. How The Big C can be seen as a comedy is beyond me.
Best drama series: Boardwalk Empire, Friday Night Lights, Dexter, Game of Thrones, The Good Wife, Mad Men.
Best comedy series: Modern Family, 30 Rock, Glee, The Office, The Big Bang Theory, Parks and Recreation.
Pop that bottle of wine (we save the champagne for the Oscars) and let’s get to judging!
AND WE’RE OFF!
3:47 – Welcome one and all! So far, RED is the color of losers the night! Lea Michele and Nina Dobrev are going to fight it out in the bathroom. Lots of nudey/pinky confections as well.
3:51 – Charlize Theron is a very busy girl. Very busy not making movies, that is.
3:53 – Tracy Morgan is trying to make Seacretin his pocket square.
3:55 – Padma is looking lovely but she is having some, um, undergarment issues. I almost saw her hoo-ha.
3:58 – Cutie Adam Scott from Parks and Rec and some girl from the same show.
4:01 – Switched from E! to Fox but I don’t think I can watch Nancy O’Dell. Her hair looks like the tail of a parade horse.
4:02 – Oh Joel McHale. That tux better be a joke. It looks like what you wore as the ringbearer in your aunt Charlotte’s wedding when you were 9 years old.
4:05 – Zooey looks exactly as you would think she would – a Katy Perry knock-off.
4:07 – Who is this weirdo man not letting anyone answer? He looks like someone I would see get stopped by Chris Hansen.
4:09 – Tacky question of the night – do you own anything that you are wearing? They know the only answer is the thong.
4:11 – I’ve already seen too much of Lea Michele. I guess she doesn’t want to be “overlooked” again next year when the nominations come out. I feel bad about myself for thinking Wilmer Valerwhatever is hot.
4:15 – Steve Carrell’s wife looks like Jan. Hugh Laurie has a personal invitation to my House.
4:16 – Did those twats just sing a song to Steve Buscemi? Yes they did. He is freaked as much as the rest of us. And to top it off when a question about Jersey Shore? Tossers need to be tossed from that balcony.
4:19 – Cobie Smulders looks like a goddess even if I have no idea who she is. SOMEONE SHOULD BE FIRED FOR PUTTING THAT ON JULIANNA MARGULUIS AND LETTING HER LEAVE THE HOUSE! As Furiously Red said – she is wearing a colander.
4:22 – I think I love Alan Cumming for wearing Kimono pants. He looks elegant in a very Grey Gardens kind of way.
4:26 – How does Matt LeBlanc still have a job?
4:27 – Best dressed nominee – Mario Bello. Not only does she look hot, but she is ready to cut a bish with all that glass on her dress.
4:28 – Worst dressed nominee, breaks my heart – Amy Poehler and her scuba suit dress.
4:29 – Second worst dressed nominee – Desperate Housewife Gwennie Paltrow. Why is she dressing like Britney 2001? And it’s made by Pucci?!?! You can’t make this stuff up.
4:31 – Best dressed nominee and my personal girl crush, Sophia Vergara. Wearing Vera “Wahng.”
4:33 – Stamos = HAWT. His wife looks like she just checked out of Dr. Drew’s Pasadena facility.
4:35 – Eets Heidi and Seal. Yes, Seal, you can always wear your shirt unbuttoned down to there, unlike GRR. Heidi ees wearing Christian Sariano! Lurve it.
4:39 – So, so many shoe problems this year. Best dressed nominee Archie Panjabi wearing the true color of the night – green. Homegirl from Glee, Diana Aragon missed the memo on color. She is off trend and still wearing her dinner napkin. Worst dressed nom.
4:43 – Oh hi Kate Winslet’s sideboob. She really knows how to get a tailor for her gowns. TIMOTHY OLYPHANT. I’m sure I need to be arrested, Bullock.
4:49 – Greg Kinnear thought he was going to meet with his lawyer and the IRS.
4:50 – I don’t know why Kerry Washington is there but she got stuck in the shredder on the way. Kate Winslet your body is banging baby.
4:51 – LL is wearing a clown tie. And it’s time to lose the hat, love.
4:53 – Kristin Wiig looks like she got caught in a downpour. It Giuliana Pray Mantis is just too, too thin and needs to quit trying to make those roots work.
4:58 – I can’t get over Kate Winselt. Bish owns that carpet. Kelly Osborn looks beeeUUUUtiful.
5:00 – SHOWTIME! Do we have to move like Jagger? Please, no. Oh boy. The nerds have to be thrilled with this. Too bad they aren’t watching. /ducks
5:02 – LLOOOOOOOYD! (Also the dancer on the left – call me!)
5:04 – Glitter! Unicorns! Pixie Dust! Which one of you planned this number?
5:05 – “This haircut cost more than your house” is the funniest line so far. Were we supposed to hear that giant breath before she took the stage? People do realize that musical numbers are not really that popular?
5:09 – Betty “she’s the reason we start the show at 5:00 pm.” Betty’s going to get Jane back for that one. I WILL SHOOT MY TV FOR THIS EMMY-TONES BOOSHITE! I WILL. I TOTALLY WILL.
5:12 – Montage set to LMFAO. Okaaaaaay, sure. Please let there be an award soon.
5:16 – Outstanding Supporting Actress in a comedy series iiiiiiisss Julie Bowen. Gotta say that I am shocked. Not a fan of the dress. Not at all. I’m trying to imagine the thought process on this dress. Cocaine-fueled weekend in Vegas?
5:17 – Singing: Hey, colander girl. You’re my colander girl. FROM MISSING PEACE: “Why is Juliana Marguiles wearing a cone? Is it to keep her from scratching?”
5:19 – Best Supporting Actress in a comedy series iiiiissss Ty Burrell! The Dunphy house is complete! He is really quite genius on Modern Family which is also the best show on television. His shirt doesn’t fit – it’s pulling like he has double-D’s. Awwww, he is handsome and he’s talking about dad. That’s sweet and funny.
5:25 – This dress and earrings ain’t working for Jane.
5:26 – Ricky is the best. They should have let him host again. Everyone knows that the stars like getting their hair pulled while participating in a self-congratulatory orgy.
5:28 – Best directing of a comedy is who cares. Modern Family! Someone get out the broom, it’s gonna be a sweep tonight.
5:30 – Without writers, Zooey would have nothing to say like: “what’s up, guys?”
5:31 – Writing for a comedy series goes toooooooo… (what is Episodes?)…Modern Family. Everyone else should just go home.
5:35 – And there he is, the cocaine and hooker tiger blood-fueled Warlock himself. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
5:40 – “Welcome back to the Modern Family awards!” It’s funny because it’s true.
5:42- Why is Fallon standing? You suck up, Jimmy. All you have to do is give him some blow and a “goddess” and you’ll be straight. Charlie is being the “bigger guy” here. Good one him. Making amends is step 8, OR SO I’VE HEARD.
5:43 – Best actor in a comedy goes to Jim Parson in the Big Bang Theory? Shenanigans! This is a travesty of velvet vest proportions!
5:44 – My OTHER, OTHER, OTHER girl crush is Jessica Stein (or whatever her name is in real life). Sophia and her. I’ll be in my bunk. OMG I LOVE AMY POEHLER! I just pissed myself for her running on stage (in her scuba suit). And they say ladies aren’t funny. FUNNIEST MOMENT YET!
5:45 – Funniest lady in a comedy series is Melissa McCarthy! With a tiara, flowers and everything. I have tears. This is brilliant. Love, love, love these ladies. Planned or not, that ish was hilarious.
5:53 – How is X Factor different than American Idol? It’s not? Okay, then. Carry on.
5:55 – I love Cree on The Office. The scene of him cutting the rice like coke in the diet episode had me crying. I don’t understand what’s happening, here. And Kim K can still suck it.
5:57 – The Emmy-Tones can just fall off the stage and then die a painful death. Poor things. Career suicide.
5:58 – I’m not going to lie, the Mob Wives scare me. How is Kathy Griffin even in the same category? X-Tina. Your wig called and said it needs a ticket back from Vegas. It’s had enough.
6:00 – JT is pretty much comedy gold, amirite?
6:02 – Best reality show is So You Think You Can Dance. No! Project Runway! Actually The Amazing Race. This is like Sophie’s Choice. DUH! Amazing Race. Well deserved because the show RULES! Shuddup voiceover guy.
6:05 – Best writing for a variety and stuff which is always the best nomination montage goes tooo…seriously mocking Michele Bachmann’s wild eyes will never get old. The Emmy goes to The Daily Show! Clutch my pearls what a shocker! Not the shocker, dirty birds.
6:12 – Can we at least get a new promo for The New Girl? This is six months runningohmyheavens Christina Henricks.
6:13 – Will the Lonely Island and Michael Bolton translate? Is this working? Not sure if this is working. Okay, freak Bill Macy is working.
6:15 – The only reason people thought that was funny is because they were remembering how they felt when they first saw it.
6:17 – Best directing in a variety of things is a dude from SNL? Coincidence? I think not. But seriously, the JT/Gaga SNL was fantastico!
6:19 – “I’m Alice. And I’m not allowed downstairs” kills me. But alas, The Daily Show swings its big…sarcasm and wins best Variety show…A-GAIN. I like how Jon gets a tan for the Emmys. MARRY ME, JON! I’m open to polyamorous marriages. FROM DOSTOEVSKY: “I feel like Lea Michele is going to be a real-life Jenna Maroney in fifteen years.” Called it, D.
6:26 – BRB I’m driving to LA to kill the Emmy-Tones.
6:29 – Oh Ashton. I hope that’s for the part because you look like Jesus after the cross.
6:31 – Best writer for a drama goes to Jason Cadam for Friday Night Lights. Now will you people shut up about this show being underrated?
6:32 Best female thespian in a supporting role goes to Margo Martindale in Justified. I didn’t know she was on JT’s first album? She was great in Secretariat. That’s all I know.
6:39 – Terranova is where Lost met Jurassic Park, right?
6:40 – Loretta Divine’s left breast is tryna get outta there.
6:42 – Best telling people what to do in a drama goes to Marty “Eyebrows” Scorsese. NOT FAIR. Don’t stand up, either. This is like shooting fish in a barrel. YES! They are counting down. We get it.
6:44 – Kerry Washington and Jason Omera should breed. Now. Right in front of us.
6:46 – Best supporting male thespian goes to Peter Dinklage. Hell yeah Game of Thrones dude! WIN effing WIN! I will forever remember him for Elf. AND he’s a cat guy? I am extending an invitation for him to join Crasstalk. ETA: His dog is named Kitty. That still qualifies him for Crasstalk membership. In fact, he’s SUPER qualified.
6:49 – I don’t want to live in a world where dancing is against the law.
6:52 – Just start giggling, Andy. I want to squeeze your cheeks (I will not be more specific than that).
6:53 – HAHAHAH. Katie Stockholmes Syndrome gets to follow the silly Jersey sketch. Perfection. FROM DIDACTIC TACTICS: “Don’t worry – Tom Cruise will have Katie tasered for giving her own thoughts in public.”
6:55 – Best female thespian in a drama series is a bad mama jama. But the Emmy goes to Julianna Colander. Where is Chris Noth, please? Herp derp dress. She has canker sores. Her dress broke out in hives. She’s so cold, her dress formed icicles.
6:57 – Don’t wear a headband, you twat.
6:59 – Best male thespian in a dramaz is the coach from Friday Night Lights, Kyle Chandler (not that we could here that over the screaching). A LITTLE TOO LITTLE, A LITTLE TOO LATE HOLLYWOOD! What a buncha jerks for cancelling the show.
7:05 – Welp. I’m sorry but I’m going to have to just take all the pills in my house for that Emmy-Tones, LL Cool J collaboration. Nice knowing ya!
7:07 – “You know, a lot of people are curious as to why I’m a lesbian. Ladies and gentleman, the cast of Entourage.” BRA-FREAKING-VO.
7:09 – Best writing for a miniseries is Downtown Abbey. Is that the show with Hugh Laurie in a wig?
7:12 – Best thespian in a mini cooper is a woman who has not botoxed her face to within an inch of its life. That would be Maggie Smith, who wasn’t there so screw her.
7:14 – [hums to herself] I’ve got the moves like Jagger. I’ve got the moves like Jagger. I’ve got the moooOOOOOoooves, like Jagger.
7:17 – Oh hey Paula. Have any extra Oxy for when the EmmyTones come back?
7:20 – Lead male thespianese in a miniseries or movie ON THE TEE VEE should be Laurence Fishburne. But this is not the matrix…or is it…so the golden lady goes to Barry Pepper for The Kennedys. He had no idea that he would win so he no-showed. SUCKAH!
7:21 – Best bossypants for a miniseries goes tozzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
7:23 – DAMMIT I’m a sucker for the four Canadian tenors. Peace out, tee vee people. Thanks for your contributions. Aw Mrs. Beaver. “Yes, and don’t call me Shirley.” Was Leslie Nielson only this year?
7:26 – When does Celine come out? There is too much drama without a big surprise.
7:34 – Best supporting thespian in a mini show that is sometimes 2 hours and sometimes 5 is Guy Pierce who I would slap the sh*t out of for treating Mildred that way. You manwhore! FROM ESHER SKETCH: Guy Pearce will wake up in the morning not remembering what happened, but he will slowly be able to piece it all together in time reversed snippets. Hopefully he can leave out the Emmytones for his own sanity.
/Emmento
/Sorry
7:37 – Best HBIC in a mini shitshow goes to Kate Winslet. SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Lemme look at her. ETA: Because I was too busy looking at Kate jump around and move, I missed this which SPIRIT FINGERS thankfully caught for us: Claire Danes…known for supreme bitchface announced Winslet as the winner and then said…”of course.” Bitch. HA!”
7:44 – “Congratulations to Kate Winslet, who is a movie actress doing TV. Which is putting TV actors out of work…Hakuna Matata my friends. Circle of life.” There was more but I can’t type it all. It was genius, though.
7:46 – Too much is happening too fast because it’s time to cram for time! Downtown Abbey won for Best Pimped out Mini Cooper. I am clutching my pearls because Mildred Piece was a lock. A LOCK I TELL YOU!
7:49 – Bill Macy looks like a junior Val Kilmer fresh out of the smoke den. SACRE BLUE Mad Men won best drama. Duh-hun, duh-nuh, duh-nuh, duh-nuh. Go on with your throw-back self. Christina Hendricks’ abdomen gets to breathe for a moment. Rewind. Play. Rewind. Play.
7:55 – ….Rewind. Play. Rewind. Play…
7:55 – BEST FUNNIEST SHOW EVAH is MODERN FAMILY! YAY! So, clever and laugh out loud funny. If you are not watching, you are not cool. Oh the little dorky girl is developing, as my meemaw would say. We’ll see how that plays into this year’s story line.
7:59 – Lord be merciful that. is. it. Thank you all for bringing your comments and your booze! Air kisses!