The final episode of this highly dysfunctional reality/competition singstravaganza on Oxygen aired on August 21. It was a dark and possibly stormy evening, depending on where you were at the time. Because consistency is important, the show runners did not deviate from the set-in-stone format of the show. Mini Challenge, Let’s Make A Video, Sing For Your Life, Time To Go. Beware, there are spoilers inside!
The Mini Challenge
The remaining four singtestants are assigned Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin” for the final mini challenge. Alex, Damian, Shut Up Rachel Berry and Samuel seem oddly excited by this assignment. Yes, as they say, it is true that this song is “essential” Glee material. However, none of them were born earlier than 1992, long after Journey’s hey-day. Shut Up Rachel Berry looks simply ready to burst with happiness, as does Alex. It’s an odd look on him, since he shows a planetary sized ego and an equal amount of ennui in every other show. The kids run through the song for practice and actually cooperate, for once. Perhaps they have learned the lessons taught in previous weeks? Perhaps they have tired of fighting the existential nothingness of endless challenges, who comes in first, who comes in last, who is praised, who is ignored.
The singtestants’ “glee” is beyond forced when Ryan Murphy shows up and tells them to sing the damned song, already. The four finalists drop everything, sing maybe 16 bars, and Murphy stops them. Has he tired of them as well? Perhaps he has. How do we know? He snaps his fingers and suddenly all of the other singtestants flood the room. McKynleigh! Snack Wrap! Hannah The Red Faced! Other People! The returning singtestants make a semi-circle behind the finalists and they re-start the song. All smiling, all mugging for the camera, exchanging knowing glances. The intrinsic sadness of these children, being forced to perform with no hope of a reward. Adding insult to injury is the obvious lip-synching of this performance by both the finalists and the losers. In every episode prior to this one, the vocals sounded “live” but when the whole group got together, suddenly (a) there’s no microphones and (b) the group has that over-produced Glee trademark sound, heard in the Muzak played in the elevator to Hades. Think about that — they all had to get together in the sound booth and sing the damned song, prior to having to assemble in this room before the cameras and the finalists had to act surprised that the losers were returning. Adding insult to injury — there are no winners for the final mini-challenge. Bonjour tristesse.
Let’s Make A Video
The final song is Pink’s “Raise Your Glass,” a highly appropriate choice, seeing how many of these youngsters will begin to self-medicate with alcohol as their vibrant, youthful dreams are crushed by the entertainment machine. Raise your glass, indeed.
This week’s theme is “Glee-ality” which, according to Ryan Murphy, means: “Do you belong on this show? Why am I asking this question? I should know the answer by now.” In other words, suck it up, kids, suck it up. The sooner you do what Poppa says, the sooner it’s over for everyone.
The kids go into the studio to record their vocals, and everyone did well, except for Samuel. Perhaps he’s been chewing on those dreadlocks, because his voice is super rusty. After the recording session, Samuel goes back to the stew room and reports his difficulty recording his “c’mon c’mon’s” Alex looks at him with soul-dead eyes and remarks, “Maybe it was just you. No one else had a problem with their parts.” For once, Alex’s ennui is thoroughly appropriate. Samuel is taken aback and simply thanks Alex for acknowledging him. Samuel knows Alex is a better singer, dancer, actor, and probably a better person than he. In the face of this knowledge, he shoulders his grim determination to complete the challenges until a winner is announced.
When it comes time to learn the choreography, it’s announced that the video will be filmed on top of a building, in fact, on a heli-pad on top of that building. Much graveyard humor — let’s not jump off the edge of the building, let’s not push one of the four finalists off of the building, hey, don’t forget there’s cameras and no one wants a murder rap, do they? After the reminder that there will be evidence that a court of law will find incontrovertible, all the singtestants agree they will not murder one another, not tonight, not in front of the cameras.
The actual video shoot arrives, and the kids synch their lips and slump their way across the heli-pad, as directed. There’s no enthusiasm here. Just the grim knowledge that every step takes them a little closer to the contest’s inevitable end. Can the end come soon enough? No, there are no short cuts in this world, children, and the sooner you learn this the easier time you will have.
Sing For Your Life
Because it’s the finale, the finalists get to pick their own songs for this segment. Also, the B-list cast of Glee were in the audience for this last “Sing For Your Life” as well as the previously-eliminated losers. Interesting that none of the leads from Glee were in the audience here. No Mister Schuester, no Finn, no Puck, and certainly no Rachel Berry. Too good to appear for this hack-fest, are we?
Shut Up Rachel Berry went first and delivered a Broadway-worthy rendition of “Gimme, Gimme” from the musical Thoroughly Modern Millie. Watch out, Julie Andrews, Little Miss Shut Up is coming for you.
Damian fired up his Bailey’s Irish Cream smile, did a wee jig and charmed the pants off of everyone who likes the peen in the theater with his performance of Bobby Darin’s “Beyond the Sea.” Heck, even Dot Marie Jones got her swerve on as Damian sparkled across the stage.
Samuel did a creepy whisper-sing of the heart-wrenching “Jolene” by Dolly Parton. He took a plain song with a very straight-forward message (“Please don’t take my man, otherwise my heart will break and never recover”) and put some sort of macabre spin on it. He was asking Jolene not to steal his man. But he know he’s a Man’s Man, don’t we? He’s a Chriss-chun too and has Jesus tattooed on the back of his neck. So what’s with asking a girl not to take ya boyfriend there, Samuel? What else ya got hiding in those brillo dreadlocks? Have you been honest about anything at all during this entire competition?
Alex (once again performing as Dragzilla Mountavagina) closed the set with “I’m Changing” from the musical Dreamgirls. There’s no discernible reason why he chose to dress like Frumpy McFrumperson, wearing a floral polyester skirt, purple cardigan and black t-shirt with taupe pumps. Oh, and a too-small bra. But he did, and he sang delightfully. Why is it the caged bird sings, Alex?
In the end, Samuel and Damian were chosen as the winners of the seven-episode story arcs in the upcoming season of Glee. But that wasn’t the end of everything — Alex and Shut Up Rachel Berry will have their own two-episode story arcs in this season as well. Obviously, each of the four finalists will have their Q score closely monitored each week they appear on the show, and if they score sufficiently well, they might be offered a more permanent position. Or not. Who can tell the whims and whimsy of Ryan Murphy?
Image credit: Oxygen.com
