This, this, this, this, this, this is the search for the next big fashion designer. At least, it’s the fourth episode of this season. Four episodes and we still have no explanation why the judges are in the show opener and not the contestants. As always, there’s spoilers inside, so click at your own risk!
At the top of this experiment in terror, we join the designers in their apartments at Atlas. A little light shit-talking about recently-eliminated Fallene, a little mirror work from Blecky, way too much foundation on Cecilia, and that’s about it for the goils. Except, look: Cecilia. Did you do your makeup in the dark, without a mirror? Has anyone ever told you to find a foundation close to your natural skin tone? Has anyone ever told you to not stop applying foundation at your jawline because it makes your face look disconnected from your neck? Did you listen to them? Are you listening to me? No, on all counts? Awesome.
Then it’s off to the boy apartment, where we are immediately treated to a view of the chalkboard by the door. Fuschia and yellow chalk, screaming “Bring the bald guy back!” And the exclamation point is dotted with a star. Innit that just pweshush. Come on, non-gay Mormon Josh. Couldn’t you at least have butched it up for your none-too-soon exit? Gollum is worried he made a “bad impact” with the judges. Um. I think you were looking for “impression,” there, sweetums. Oh, what’s that? I’m being told that Gollum is now “Smeagol.” Can’t tell the players without a scorecard, can you? No, you cannot.
A quick trip to Parson’s and Heidi unhinges her jaw to let us know that Nina “Fucking” Garcia is this week’s client. The sewtestants attempt to flee but find to their dismay that they are superglued to their chairs. They clap in an attempt to feed Meana Garzilla’s ego, which normally cannot be sated except with the tears of a designer’s crushed dreams. Blecky admits her terror. Flee, Blecky, flee!
Nina recites a Dr. Suess poem about what she does and does not like for her clothes:
I do not like that,
If you give it to me,
I’ll squash you flat.”
The Trip To Mood
Finally! Shade is finally thrown during this trip to Mood Fabrics. Blecky and Uniball both select the same print, which looks like someone made a mistake and splattered ink on white fabric. Meow meow rowr scratch. Unfortunately Blecky has no gumption and Uniball has no fortitude, so the shade-throwing ends up kinda weak. Let’s do better next week, people.
Anya/Enya picks a bright mustard yellow print. Hm. Wasn’t there something Nina said about loud colors and prints back on the runway? No recollection of that? Oh well. You’ll remember soon enough, my pretty.
The Inevitable Workroom Breakdown
Cecilia, you’re breakin’ my heart. You thought you had selected purple and tan fabrics and you selected gray and tan. You really believe that? I went back and looked at what you had on the measuring table, and that was gray, honey. Were you the victim of a curse sent to you by Colorblind Uniball? He’s a tricksy one, watch out! Also, Cecilia, you had a bolt of gorgeous blue silk standing right next to you. Why didn’t you use that? You’re breakin’ my confidence daily.
Gay Ryan Reynolds, wearing his tank top with the sheer back, sees Enya’s Bright Mustard fabric in the workroom and he totally sounds like Scar from The Lion King. “Oh girl, that’s gorgeous,” he says in an unctuous voice, thinking how Nina’s going to hate that loud yellow fabric.
Julie starts giving off an odd, Judeece type vibe as she complains about her former career as a bartender, and being the oldest kid at sewing school. Yep, I think she’s “Judeece” from now on.
The Visit From Dementor Nina
Uniball says he’s ready for Meana, and Anya is skeered. Danielle proffers her booooooring grandma sheer green shirt. Meana says, no, no, no. The shade of Any Winehouse appears, thinking she was summoned by Meana. Meana dismisses Amy back to her eternal reward, saying “Not yet, Amy, I’ll need you later.” Smeagol is looking on Danielle’s discomfort from afar and slavering with glee.
Judeece takes a run at Meana and fails miserably, falling off the cliff with her confidence. And then Enya is up and Meana hits her “Plan B” button once more. What’s to do, Enya? You have no Plan B! You cannot run, you cannot hide! Meana does not bother looking at Cecilia’s fabric, swiping at it with her prehensile tail and declaring it “fit for a mouse, not a Garzilla of my stature.”
Gay Ryan Reynolds goes for the gold and asks Meana if she wears a brawr, and she laughs and admits no, she does not. Good job GRR! Score one for you. Kimberly shows off a top made from the fabric that covered the beds in sick bay on the original Star Trek. Meana likes it, Blecky doesn’t. Dear Blecky, who is the Fashion Editor For Marie Claire? Not you? Yes, that’s right. Move along. After Meana leaves, Kimberly says she is still living, in a sort of high-pitched voice that one might use after a horrific car accident.
Uniball has a fiancee, innit that sweet. Another scrawny geigh that we get to meet via Skype on THE HP TOUCHPAD WALLSCREEN COMPUTE-OH-TRON. Yay for them, together two and a half years and they’s gonna be married. Why does Uniball’s partner have his mug up all in the camera? That’s something you gotta keep in mind, kids. With all these hi-def cameras and displays these days, keep your distance otherwise we’re going to count your pores. We can’t help it.
The next morning, as the designers prepare themselves to once more enter the bleach, we notice that in the boys apartment, the plea to bring back the bald gay Mormon is gone and in its place is the Meana Garzilla Challenge, along with a hangman. Gallows humor, boys, you has it.
The Runway
Enya: Now you got the right gals to help you finish your stuff, lady. I see you didn’t cop to all the help on the runway, didja? The booty on those pants, miss girl, that’s just scandalously good.
Miss Bert: Minimal, criminal, cynical little black dress with a slit that’s too high in the front. The shades are the most interesting part of the outfit. Safe.
Barbie: A green dress that’s a scooch too short. And those two sheer panels in the skirt? The world’s your gynecologist, sweetie.
Ohio Oliver: Gray, gray, gray and white. Wow. Yeah, no. Not exciting, not what’s next, not fashion forward. Well-tailored but forgettable, kind of like you, dear Ohio Oliver and your “here today gone tomorrow” accent.
Colorblind Uniball: You used the fabric with the pattern upside down, it’s top heavy. The larger part of the pattern should have been on the bottom of the garment. Why don’t you know this?
Kimberly: Wow. That really is a Star Trek golden top, isn’t it? The pants are up to your standard.
Bryce: Good job on getting rid of the baggy nonsense on the front of the dress that we saw in the workroom. However, creating a hideous puckered 3-inch hem at the bottom of the skirt was not a good replacement.
Danielle: You were on team “Yawn Chiffon” last week, weren’t you. Well, your outfit this week is a yawn too, except for the crazy collar you put on that shirt.
Blecky: You used the same fabric that Bryce bought in the right way. The pattern was on the bottom and it was not used as literally as he used it.
Judeece: Glue? Judeece, no. Also, the collar. Insanity. Having someone help you finish your garment when that someone has given up? Not good choices there, lady.
Gay Ryan Reynolds: Sportswear. Peach and gray, not really something you’re going to see at a fashion magazine’s offices. maybe a couple inches too short. The back with its keyhole openings… Much too young.
Cecilia: Nice job, lady. Nice job at failing.
Smeagol: You made separates, you made a somewhat interesting shoulder detail. Yawn. Telling your hanger to “Werq” does not impress.
The Judges’ Critique
Smeagol
Nina Garcia: Versatility and separates, good on ya.
Michael Kors: Is this what’s next? Looks current.
Joanna Coles: This black suit goes from day to night.
Kerry Washington: An error has occurred, please see your network administrator.
Heidi Klum: Black dress, can’t go wrong.
Judeece:
Nina Garcia: This is not what you showed me. Not my favorite.
Michael Kors: It’s a housecoat, needs a pocket for Kleenex, it’s sad.
Joanna Coles: Unwearable. Nina would be fired if she wore this to the office.
Kerry Washington: Acquiring wi-fi signal, no network available at this time.
Heidi Klum: Nina wore this on a 12-hour plane ride and rolled around in it. Oh Heidi.
Cecilia:
Nina Garcia: Do you think you did well? No? Good. At least you’re not completely delusional, like Judeece.
Michael Kors: This is not for Nina.
Joanna Coles: Everyone would talk behind your back if you wore this to the office.
Kerry Washington: Stack overflow, please reboot.
Heidi Klum: This is already creased and the color choice is sad.
Kimberly:
Nina Garcia: Gimme that now. NOW!
Michael Kors: This is smart.
Joanna Coles: If she won’t wear it I will. (Nina, in background: “hands off, wench!”)
Kerry Washington: Click OK to continue.
Heidi Klum: (fiddling with Kerry’s bluetooth keyboard)
Enya:
Nina Garcia: Amazing transformation from crap to wearable.
Michael Kors: Here’s a clue — mustard is the LAST color Nina wants, honey. (snap)
Joanna Coles: Good shape.
Kerry Washington: Please insert diskette number 5.
Heidi Klum: Loves it, for totes real!
Danielle:
Nina Garcia: I told you let’s do a blouse and trousers well, and no. No, ya din’t.
Michael Kors: Boooooriiiiiing. Looks like something from the 80’s.
Joanna Coles: Clothes are emotional and this emotion is sad. Get some anti-depressants.
Kerry Washington: [modem sound]
Heidi Klum: (ran away to get a USB cable to recharge Kerry)
The Stew Room
Note to Miss Bert in the stew room: Ohio Oliver is sitting right next to you. He’s not in contention for the top three designs. We can’t blame you, Miss Bert, because Oliver did not utter one word in this week’s episode.
Blecky is hating on Kimberly. Wrong, Blecky, wrong. Admire the good designers, Blecky. What’s that? You can’t tell which ones are good? Ruh-roh for you, Blecky.
Smeagol doesn’t like other designers helping each other. We don’t help each other, do we, Smeagol.
Judeece lives in a bad neighborhood called “On The Bottom.” This sounds like a 1995 Vivid Video release that comes with those little packets of lube.
Who’s In, and Who’s Auf
Kimberly, you win the editorial photo shoot with Nina. Good job coming up with the Star Trek bedding shirt. Also, you are immune from Meana consuming your soul next week. Rock on.
Smeagol and Enya, you’re in. That’s the top 3.
Danielle, you’re number four, the top of the bottom. Off you go.
Judeece, you gots to go. As you’re cleaning up your workstation, you say “I don’t know where I’m going from here.” How about: home? Or maybe you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.
Cecilia, you’re still breakin’ my heart, but you are number five, so you get to stay this week, even though you wouldn’t mind leaving.
Next Week On Project Runway
Heidi tells the sewtestants to sprint a quarter mile. Ohio Oliver falls into a coma. Miss Bert snaps at everyone. Michael Kors regains his title as Bitchy Orange Of The World. Madness!
