I’m a special snowflake – Atlanta born and bred. You won’t find too many of us so I’ve taken it upon myself to share my wisdom on being a true Atlantan.
1. Mind your manners, young (wo)man – 5 million people or not, Atlanta is a Southern town. Act accordingly. Slow down, hold the door open, and say “ma’am”. A waitress will call you “honey”, darling. Trust me, sweetie, nobody is trying to get in your pants, so save your indignation.
2. College town – Atlanta’s professional sports team don’t have the dedicated followers (the Braves are a minor exception) infamously linked to certain teams such as Green Bay: you’ll never join a waiting list for season tickets and games generally only sell-out depending on the opposing team. We’re often accused of being “fair-weather fans”, and subsequently, the teams’ woes are oftentimes blamed on lackluster support. This may be a chicken-egg question since our teams have always sucked but frankly the city can’t be bothered because the pros are window dressing for the collegiate teams.
Bulldog Sunday trounces Falcons Saturday, SpelHouse’s (Spelman-Morhouse) homecoming shutdowns the Westside, and even our enginerd Jackets have mighty spirits.
3. It’s Atlanta, to you – Despite what your favorite 90s hip-hop video said, ATL is the airport code, and linguistic gems such as “Hotlanta” and “A-town” were buried with the jiggy. A grownup town deserves a grownup name, Atlanta will do.
4. Respect our weather – Don’t get smug when a half an inch of snow shuts the city down, it’s very unbecoming, and we’ve all heard that Chicagoans walk to school in 35 feet of snow uphill both ways. When Ken Cook says go, you run to Kroger, stock up on Sunchips and Spam, and enjoy Judge Judy while the city’s four salt trucks spend the next 3 days going in circles. Save your smug energy because soon enough your thermostat hit 90 degrees and spend the next 5 months there without reprieve. You’ll be expected to take it in stride because that’s how Atlantans do.
5. Go to the Dogwood Festival – There are pretty trees, sunshine, and cute art showings. It’s a mandatory requirement before getting a key to the city.
6. Always accept seconds – Any emotion or occasion is marked with food – most likely, it’ll be deep-fried, fatty, and delicious comfort food. From the moment you arrive everyone will offer you some and you’d be wise to take it because a) it’ll be yummy and b) rejecting a plate is the cardinal sin. Even fast food is serious business around here so grab a Chik-fil-a sandwich, Waffle House hashbrowns, and a Varsity Frosty Orange while you explore the town.
7. Know how to drive – I-20 merges directly into two exit-only lanes giving you seconds to merge before being carted off of 75/85 North, there isn’t enough space between the West Peachtree and 10-14th Street exits, and when I-75 splits from I-85 to continue their respective cross country journeys, you better on the rest side of the line.
The Downtown Connector is the worst offender of them all but our roads are windy, hilly, and generally overcrowded but themz the breakz and only the unflappable need apply.
8. Don’t ever say, “Atlanta is not a ‘Real City’” – There are big buildings, fabulous restaurants, wonderful museums, and interesting people all within a relatively close proximity to each other, so yes this isn’t “just suburbs”.
9. Accept that Coke is the only way – because Pepsi doesn’t exist and every third building is named for Coke legend Robert Woodruff. He’s our Andrew Carnegie, Cornelius Vanderbilt and John Rockefeller rolled into one.
I’m finna stop and let y’all fill out the rest.
