As I have mentioned before, Bots has kindly suggested that I cross post blog entries from www.daisysagesays.wordpress.com from time to time. Here is our most recent entry.:
Dear friends,
Hurrah! Just when I was thinking I’d better come up with some fake reader questions; (For instance, fake someone would write in and ask anxiously if they really have to stop wearing their white patent leather pants after Labor Day. My fake response would be: “Why did you wear them before Labor Day? And more importantly how?”) we have been sent our first real, actual reader advice request!
This comes to us from our friend who goes by the Interwebz name of Turdhurdler.
TH writes:
“I have an issue with an old friend. We have known each other for 18 years and have supported each other through some tough times, but us both having children has been pulling us apart, rather than together. She is very competitive and is constantly bragging about how smart her kids are. I feel like it’s a competition and it makes me uncomfortable. I don’t feel the need to brag about my kids and their abilities, and when I’m out with my friends, I usually want to talk about things other than the kids. This situation makes me just want to avoid her, and I don’t know what to say or how to tactfully handle this.”
Dear TH,
I think the reason you feel like this situation is a competition, is because your friend is constantly competing you, even though you’re not competing back.
It’s no wonder you feel uncomfortable, competition is not what friendship is supposed to be about. Friendship is supposed to give us fun and support and companionship.
There are areas in life where competition is an acceptable and necessary thing; work or business for instance. It’s even fine to have a little healthy competition with a friend when you’re playing a game or sport together. But real friends don’t constantly conduct PR campaigns about their lives around each other.
You say that having kids is what is pulling you apart as friends, but I don’t think that’s the case. I think it’s this woman’s inability to behave like a friend that’s pulling you apart. Narcissism like this doesn’t pop up over night in a grown adult. Maybe you didn’t notice it so much before, or maybe she’s seized upon using her kids as a supposedly socially acceptable venue for blameless bragging.
I understand that this is difficult since you’ve known this person so long. Indeed, 18 years is a long time to know someone, and it seems like you share some important memories with her.
However, her behaviour is making it so you don’t even want to be in room with her. You have two choices, either let the friendship dissolve through avoidance, or at least try to have an honest, calm conversation with her about the situation.
If you choose the second, I would just come right out and ask her calmly why she’s so competitive about her kids vs. yours, and why she feels the need to brag about them so much, absolutely every time you speak to each other.
There’s a big possibility she’ll be offended because someone who behaves this way generally doesn’t have the self-awareness to admit to her own behaviour. But at least you’ll have cleared the air, and you can feel like you tried to communicate with someone you’ve known for so long, instead of walking away without a word.
Love,
Daisy
Crasstalk readers, please write in any advice requests by commenting on the blog at:
www.daisysagesays.wordpress.com
or writing to me directly at: [email protected]
All advice requests will be treated with the utmost sensitivity and confidentiality.
Unless I have to start making up pretend letters from imaginary people. I’ve found that imaginary people don’t care all that much what you say to them.
