The sixth episode of this highly dysfunctional reality/competition singstravaganza on Oxygen certainly wouldn’t dare deviate from the set-in-stone format of the show. Mini Challenge, Let’s Make A Video, Sing For Your Life, Time To Go. Beware, there are spoilers inside!
The Mini Challenge
Ten little, nine little, eight little indians, the chirrens’ numbers are quickly dwindling. The remaining seven singtestants are assigned La Roux’s “Bulletproof” for the sit ‘n spin I mean sing challenge. Some of the kids know who La Roux is. Ninety-eight percent of the U.S. audience issues a collective “Who?” But not me. I lurves me some Eleanor Kate Jackson. Shut Up Rachel Berry runs to the side table where the lyric sheets are, and passes them out to all the kids. Yes, Shut Up Rachel Berry, you may stay after class and pound the erasers. It’s not like you ever give anyone else a chance for extra credit.
Karofsky (Max Adler) shows up and threatens to stuff each of the singtestants into their own hall locker. Cameron looks terrified and yet slightly thrilled. He will have to call his momma again. The kids sit in their chairs and sing politely and Karofsky stops them. No, no! You have to really go for the gold! None of this polite nonsense. Marissa decides to take it to the limit and stands up to sing her line and she kicks over an empty chair in front of her. The police are immediately summoned and she is arrested for un-lady-like behavior. Samuel, whose hair does not look like a scrubby sponge this week, leaps over a seated Cameron, runs up to Karofsky and does a modified Billie Jean dance about 5 inches away from him. This inspires the rest of the chirrens to walk up to him one by one and give him the oven breath treatment. Karofsky gives the win to Marissa, since she was the first one to do anything interesting. He pays her bail and she returns to the competition.
Let’s Make A Video
This week’s song is a mash-up of “Under Pressure” and “Ice, Ice, Baby.” And how clever is that second song choice, because all the singtestants will be getting slushied this week! They are all initially excited about this situation, because being slushied is a rite of passage in the Glee universe. Happy smiles all around.
This week’s theme is “Tenacity” which, if you have access to an online dictionary like I do, you would know means “persistent in maintaining, adhering to, or seeking something valued or desired.” In other words, suck it up, kids, suck it up.
The kids went into the studio to record their vocals, and for some reason Hannah Bo Bannah got all flustercated when it came time to record the “rap” part of “Ice, Ice, Baby.” She exclaims, “but I know I can rap, they know I can rap, why is this so hard?” We agree with that last question, miss girl. Be! Tenacious! Be! Be! Tenacious!
When it comes time to learn the choreography, one of those earth-crunchy Santa Fe ladies shows up, you know the kind, she doesn’t have a name, just answers to something like “Wind Chime” or “Cactus Needle.” She puts the kids through a fairly wicked piece of choreography, which involves scooting backwards on their butts, and doing a move where they are seated with their knees bent, then pushing off the floor with their left hand behind them and sort of doing a reverse back-bend spine-roll hibbity-jibbity move. Alex declines this move on religious motives. Hannah gives it a game try but this move is not designed for girls who shop at The Hefty Hideaway. She’s still going to make it work, somehow. Tenacity restored.
The actual video shoot arrives, and the slushies start flying. Here, I rate each singtestant’s ability to take on the frozen concoctions:
#1 Damian: He just turned up his sexual heat and spoke a few words of Gaelic and all the slush melted away. No problem here.
#2 Alex: His skin is so thick, I don’t think he even felt the cold. Totally professional.
#3 Lindsay: Shut Up Rachel Berry went with her name-sake’s stoic response to the slushie. She just soldiered through and even got in a smile at the end.
#4 Hannah: She claimed the slushies were refreshing and even ate a little bit after the take was done. For once she did not turn red.
#5 Marissa: She got to practice being slushied during her one-on-one time with Max Adler, so she should have been better prepared. She lost her tenacity.
#6 Samuel: Ugh, those dreads filled with sticky slushie. Why were his takes set in the bathroom? Unappealing.
#7 Cameron: He’s a sensitive delicate flower and can’t take a slushie at all. He is going to quit show biz and become a Tea Party politician. He has absolutely no tenacity.
Sing For Your Life
This week’s “switch” is that the bottom three are assigned a song that they sang in their original audition. This week’s bottom three are:
Alex (performing as Dragzilla Mountavagina) sang a delightfully sensitive version of “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going” from Dreamgirls. No, I’m kidding. He sang that song better than anyone I have ever heard sing that song. My television exploded when he sang the final note. Alex, you owe me a new TV. Powerful, moving, technically perfect, soulful. Why does he have to be such a douchenozzle when he’s not on stage? Ryan Murphy asked Alex why he chose to perform in drag, and he said that Ryan called him out on his performance during the bottom three the previous week and “he wanted to come correct.” Nice time to use that phrase, Dragzilla.
Marissa (in her first performance for Ryan Murphy) sang “Hate On Me” by Jill Scott. Nice vocal flourishes and nuances, but BZZT BZZT BZZT bad choice to insert Ryan’s name into the song. Three red ex’es for you, lady.
Cameron sang “Love Can Wait” by… wait for it… Cameron. Ugh. Sad little song about being virginal and Republican and repressed Christian and he’s going to be a bunny boiler, isn’t he? I just know it.
In the end, Marissa was sent home. This sucks. She wins the mini challenge (her second win in two weeks) and her star is ascending but apparently Ryan Murphy takes one look at her ginger self and says Oh Here Go Hell Come. Why O Why was Cameron not sent home back to Virgin-Landia? Why? Life and Ryan Murphy are both not fair.
Next week on The Glee Project: The kettle drums of doom start pounding for Cameron. Next week’s issue is: (dun Dun DUNNNN!!!!) Sexuality. Also, Samuel and Alex perform a tender waltz, for some reason.
