Michele Bachmann, America’s Greatest President Ever, became the first Republican candidate to sign “The Marriage Vow,” some sort of insane blood-oath sponsored by a group of Iowa corn farming death cultists called FAMiLY Leader.
It seems that they stand for more than just nonsensical capitalization.
Many of the 14 points of the the Marriage Vow are typical inane hillbilly crap about not cheatin’ on yer wife and keepin them queers from marryin’. But a few of them are spectacularly batshit.
Vigorous opposition to any redefinition of the Institution of Marriage – faithful monogamy between one man and one woman – through statutory-, bureaucratic-, or court-imposed recognition of intimate unions which are bigamous, polygamous, polyandrous, same-sex, etc.
The Institution of Marriage is now upper-case. (These truly are capitalization terrorists we’re dealing with.) Also, I had to look up the definition of polyandry, but apparently this is a major problem and only Crazy Eyes Bachmann can fix it. I would be one of her brother-husbands if she asked me, though.
Recognition of the overwhelming statistical evidence that married people enjoy better health, better sex, longer lives, greater financial stability, and that children raised by a mother and a father together experience better learning, less addiction, less legal trouble, and less extramarital pregnancy.
Now you’re just gloating, crazy Iowa corn children.
Humane protection of women and the innocent fruit of conjugal intimacy – our next generation of American children – from human trafficking, sexual slavery, seduction into promiscuity, and all forms of pornography and prostitution, infanticide, abortion and other types of coercion or stolen innocence.
Have these people seen “the innocent fruit of conjugal intimacy” that America is currently raising? Kids today are awful. And while selling them into sex slavery is not the solution, I’m not sure we have to completely put the nation’s porn stars out of work. These people would be completely useless to society if not for their sexuo-athletic prowess.
Support for the enactment of safeguards for all married and unmarried U.S. Military and National Guard personnel, especially our combat troops, from inappropriate same-gender or opposite-gender sexual harassment, adultery or intrusively intimate commingling among attracteds (restrooms, showers, barracks, tents, etc.); plus prompt termination of military policymakers who would expose American wives and daughters to rape or sexual harassment, torture, enslavement or sexual leveraging by the enemy in forward combat roles.
See, these people aren’t nuts. They’re totally against sexual harrassment and are taking on the rape culture patriarchy. Oh wait, no, this is really just about keeping women out of combat roles (how 1993 of them) and not having Sgt. Bruce checking out your man while he’s showing. Hide yo kids. Hide yo husband. Hide yo wife. Hide yo soldiers.
Rejection of Sharia Islam and all other anti-woman, anti-human rights forms of totalitarian control.
Haha, “Sharia Islam.” Isn’t that Cat Stevens’ name? I hate sharia so much. It’s nothing at all like Christian fundamentalist dogma that uses religion to control people.
Recognition that robust childbearing and reproduction is beneficial to U.S. demographic, economic, strategic and actuarial health and security.
Hello poor white trash teenage girls of Iowa, it’s perfectly normal and good to be knocked up two or three times by the time you’re 18. Remember kids, You Can’t Be a Duggar If You’re Wearing That Rubber.
