I didn’t get a cell phone until 2004, when I was a freshman in college. I have pretty much broken, lost or somehow damaged nearly every phone that has had the misfortune of belonging to me. If there is some kind of Toy Story shenanigans going on at the T-Mobile store, my name is whispered in hushed tones by hot pink flip phones who fear to be purchased by me. My alternative theory is that the things that I say or text with my cell phones are so inane that they all commit suicide rather than be owned by me for a period of longer than six months.
Here, in no particular order, are some of my favorite ways that I have destroyed some of my phones.
- Junior year, backpack, can of sugar-free Red Bull and a set of keys joined in some kind of murder-suicide pact with my cell phone.
- Summer, running for a bus in downtown Los Angeles, dropped phone out of pocket, watched it shatter into a million pieces.
- Last week, followed by a mugger, who tried to take my phone and broke it in half.
- Summer, after senior year of college, rooftop of a building in Los Angeles, stepped on my phone in my jeans pocket when I took off my clothes to go into the pool. I actually continued to use it for months afterwards, because I decided to scotch tape the screen together.
- Numerous times, dropped in Pacific Ocean.
- Numerous times, dropped on street while riding bicycle, one time actually running over phone with said bicycle.
Lastly, my very favorite way in which I destroyed a cell phone… the American Apparel factory rummage sale disaster. Clearly, I was being punished by God for going to the American Apparel factory rummage sale. I originally wrote this out as a list of things I had done wrong on a fateful December day, because clearly, I had done nothing right. It was December 13, and it was 80 degrees outside, and I decided I wanted to buy cheap v-neck t-shirts surrounded by hungover hipsters.
- Got lost in the Flower District trying to find 747 Warehouse St.
- Waited in a 2 hour line.
- Lost my phone while trying on spandex, neon and sparkly hipster clothes.
- Left after several hours of bugging security to see if anyone turned in my phone. (Spoiler: they didn’t.)
- Listened to the security guard who told me that “Some people can be cruel.”
- Gave up, went to McDonalds, drank like 3 cups of lemonade.
- Went to the T-Mobile store on Wilshire and got a new SIM card and deactivated the other.
- Went to the T-Mobile store on Santa Monica and Western to buy a green phone made of recycled plastic.
- Before entering the second T-Mobile store, getting a bloody nose and having a homeless man get napkins for me from a fruit vendor.
- Buy new phone.
