How to be A Real Man: setting the bar.
A Real Man is smart: The only thing he knows with any certainty is that he doesn’t know it all. He is curious. He reads a lot, or if he’s not a reader, he surrounds himself with people who know more than he does. His favorite conversational gambits are “Really?” and “Tell me more.” He always gives an idea a fair hearing before accepting or rejecting it. He is logical. The only emotion that drives his thinking is that which requires him to stand up for someone else, and this, to him, is very very logical. A Real Man knows that it’s not all about him.
A Real Man is polite: He knows that manners are not just the icing on life’s cake. They are the cake itself. He says “Please.” and “Thank you.” and “If you would be so kind.”. Waiters love him and receptionists are glad to introduce him to people. The guy who cuts the grass, the paperboy, the cleaning lady – all these people remember being treated like people by him. He knows all their names and their birthdays, and he tips generously. If you’re friends with a Real Man and have a milestone in your life, expect a tasteful flower arrangement if you are a lady, and possibly an invitation for a cocktail. His child’s teachers always recall him as The Nice Guy With Questions. He is polite even when others are not – rudeness is greeted with ever-escalating politeness until it stops. He knows that kindness is the very best form of strength. A Real Man shows gratitude to those who do things for him.
A Real Man is strong and brave: He knows that strength does not mean being a bully or hurting others. Rather, it consists of two things – Standing Up For Others and Kindness. Standing Up For Others – well, a Real Man may be a parent of a small child, or a friend of a lady, or a pal to a Gay. Messing with kids, ladies and Gays is a really, really Bad Idea, because their Real Man will do what they cannot or will not do. He will destroy you. Nothing pisses off a Real Man like miscreants hurting those whom he loves. He will probably not punch you in the face, because shame is so much more effective. He is more likely to make you feel like a mental midget and write to your employer if you acted out in a professional capacity. He will not abide a bigot, so drop the n-bomb at your peril. As to Kindness – he holds doors for the aged and volunteers at a homeless shelter. That’s great, but Kindness is part of who he is. If your cat dies or you have a breakup, your Real Man has a big shoulder to cry on, and although he can’t Make It Okay, he’ll hold you and let you cry and say nice things about your cat or your ex until you get your cheese back on your cracker. It doesn’t matter if your Real Man is a 250 pound be-tatted MMA fighter or a skinny nerdboy from the IT department – Real Men are kind, and their strength and kindness are contagious. Bravery is defined these days by standing up for what’s right even at your own expense. Real Men do this all the time – and it’s not limited to cops and firefighters. Real Men come in all shapes and sizes, but they stick up for the downtrodden always.
A Real Man Haz Interests: It doesn’t matter if it’s fixing cars or building dollhouses – a Real Man is good at something not career-related, and he has a blast doing it. He loves music and art and can talk about both intelligently. The wonder of God’s creation is not lost on him – he will get very quiet at the beach or the mountains, and a wise observer will notice a restrained but giddy smile on his face in both places. If a neighbor has a beautiful flowerbed out front, chances are your Real Man has a picture of it in his phone. When a Real Man sees Nature in all its glory, he points it out to those around and quietly takes it in. When he says “Look at the moon!”, you should look.
A Real Man is responsible: He takes care of his car and his home, and makes sure that everything is in order before he goes to sleep at night. He knows how to keep house and care for sick people, and does both as needed. He can cook several meals that make people gasp with delight. He picks up after himself and does not make extra work for anyone. If he sees something in the house that needs doing, he just does it, with no fanfare. When he’s done, he may kiss you as a silent tribute to the fact that you do it all the time and he appreciates it. He knows quality when it comes to clothing and household goods, and he will do without rather than settle for second-rate.
Real Men love animals: Even if allergic, you will often see a Real Man cavorting with a puppy, napping on the sofa with a kitty, and teaching a bird how to talk. ASPCA TV commercials showing animal cruelty will drive a Real Man from the room in despair. He knows that the magnificent creatures who share our lives are to be treated with respect, and their presence gives him joy. A dog walking into a room with a Real Man will cause a grin, and a kitty jumping on a sofa next to a Real Man will be treated like a small child. He is thrilled by the idea that an animal trusts him – it shows good judgment, after all – and he reciprocates that trust with petting and treats.
Real Men are funny: And they know that the best subject of humor is themselves. They don’t take themselves too seriously and they routinely tell at least one hilarious story where they themselves are the butt of the joke. The absurdity of life makes them giggle and they share this far and wide. A Real Man can crack a joke simply by raising an eyebrow. Silly politicians and ridiculous laws make a Real Man angry, and he does what he can to eliminate them.
Nookie with a Real Man: Congratulations! You are officially The Most Important Person in the room. That’s how a Real Man makes you feel, both in bed and out. If he’s not catering to your every whim, don’t blame him – he simply cannot control himself in your presence and is acting like an animal. He says things that are so dirty that they are stunning, and whispers sweet things in your ear in the next breath. In the aftermath, he looks smug, and he is probably entitled to do so. This is the very best time to tell your Real Man that you love him, love him, love him more than life itself. He’s hairy and sweaty and grunting and delightful and all that just makes you love him more. Have I mentioned his eyes? They lock on yours looking for a positive reaction a lot. In a shop, at a restaurant, in bed… you are just Number One, and those glittery blue orbs or melty caramel eyes tell it all. He is glad you picked him, and he is thrilled with the result. When you bury your face in his chest and he puts his arms around you it is The Ultimate Win for him. A Real Man takes this compliment with finesse, and turns it around on the giver with panache: “You’re amazing.” does fine.
I am so lucky to have married a Real Man, whose daily conduct makes me more of a Real Man myself. I love you, Mike.
Ladies, you’re next.