It’s for protection. I swear.
I’ve been keeping a collection of the mad nonsense that comes out of my kid’s mouth for a few years now. I’m fairly certain that this breed of insanity crosses the lines of parent and non-parent so I hope you enjoy.
- L tried to eat an air freshener. She’s fine. We stink now.
- L just asked me what time is. Not what time it is, but what it actually is.
- Took a shower this morning during which L comes running in “Mom! Mom!” “What?!” ” William is NOT invited to my tea party!” Poor cat.
- L is making some sort of horror d’oeuvre with salami & smarties. Just thought you should be warned.
- Lava makes you dead. When you are dead you are in a cemetery. The cemetery makes you into bones.
- L just covered the cat in Lubriderm. So many jokes…and I have to clean a greasy cat.
- According to L, we are going to the bowling valley.
- L is running around singing the Tetris theme song and saying “blood ocean”. I had nothing to do with any of this I swear…
- My kid busted out the word anarchy yesterday. Anarchy. She’s four.
- L says she is going to break the record for having a shoe balanced on her head the longest. She says she is going to get her name in the book.
- L just asked her father to take a piece of yarn and tie her to his head so she could be his face.
- Amongst things inadvisable to say to a 4-year-old are: “Don’t get your panties in a twist”, though the following self-examination was amusing.
- L just told me that I smell like a tornado.
- L: Why do I have to go to sleep? M: Because it’s night L: Oh yeah. I forgot. RIBBIT RIBBIT BOP BOP BOP…
- L has been making up words. She just called me a funt bunt cunt. I’m not kidding.
- L says when she’s a superhero she will have the power of sticks because they can make bird’s nests.
- L just asked me if after I was a teenager if I would be a zombie.
- “When I get married I’ll play a Halloween song & we’ll be outside & use our outside voices.”
- “Let’s move to Minnesota! I’ll bring my shoes!”
- “Look Mom! I’m using my harmonica to scratch my butt!”
- L: “David Hasselhoff is a lifeguard!” Thank-you Spongebob Movie. 0_o
- L: I don’t like this kind of chicken! Me: What kind do you like then? L: Pork!
- L thinks I should get the day off of work because I have a blister.
- The large cat chewed L’s balloon off of it’s ribbon. The balloon flew off into a ceiling fan. L now wants the cat to go on vacation. Good morning.
- L: The bed is softer than the floor. The bed is also softer than my bones. My bones are hard like the floor.
- L says someone broke the Statue of Livery and that she is going to fix it with sticky cheese.
- L just asked me if the bottom of her foot is called a palm.
- L has decided that “Cemetery Gates” by the Smiths is a good song. But then she wanted to know why the guy singing was going to cry. I told her that Morrissey is sad.
- L to her father whilst on Skype: I just farted! Can you smell it?
- L says she wants to move to England so she can have a pet hedgehog. She says she will get there by electric canoe.
- Explaining the past, present & future to a five-year-old. Tomorrow is the future? Yes. So when tomorrow comes it’ll be the future? No, it’ll be the present. When is the future? Argh.
- L just told me about time traveling through wormholes. Also she referred to a dead dog as meat earlier. Evil genius?
- L says when she grows up she’s going to have a hairy butt. I think we know who to blame for this idea and it ain’t me.
- L says says she is going to have two husbands and one wife.
- Milk has calcium in it, right? Just like pork!
- The driver’s side wing mirror on my car is full of wasps. I am less than pleased. My kid, however, finds this hilarious.
- L says that grown-ups go underneath the covers in bed and kiss. She then demonstrated this to me with her ukulele.
- Perhaps I should take L to church? She just asked me why Neptune created cats.
- Seems I need to explain calling 911 better. L wanted to call them for a babysitter.
- L says when she gets married she wants her engagement ring to have a picture of Spongebob on it.
- L just shook her fist at the sky and said “Curse you God!” because her marigold died. I made her apologize. I assume God accepts apologies from 5-year-olds.
- L says she wants to be a janitor when she grows up. Not that I have any issue with janitors, I will be trying to dissuade her of this idea.
- I tried to explain gravity to L. She is currently testing my theory by leaping up and down to see if she flies off the planet.
While I don’t actually fear for her sanity I do wonder where this stuff comes from sometimes. Me? Television? Vatican satellites? Parenthood is like letting an insane drunk midget live in your house. Your structured life gets a wild card. I try to guide her into better directions and understandings but sometimes I just accept I may be raising a mad scientist.