Morticia Gossip Links

Good evening/afternoon/whatevs, darlings. I’m a bit pressed for time lately, what with packing for my imminent move to the Frozen Tundra (seriously) and so I’ll have to link-dump and run, but today’s gossip is particularly juicy and you’ll want to chew it over. And over. And no stomach-churning Xtina pix SANS FARDS today, I promise.

Do me a favo(u)r and let me know if you like these longer links, if you like the short one-liners, or if you want it even longer, you insatiable animals you!

Situation Room Normal, All Fucked Up yet more proof Hillary Clinton is involved in a massive coverup for the takeover of the State Department by Amazonian Vampires. Duh. (raincoaster).

Two million satisfied customers! You like us! You really like us! (why?) (Ayyyy).

To Zubrówka and memories. Ghost stories, Polish vodka, and mystery for a Monday (ManoloFood).

Rick Springfield makes a wish. Too bad Jessie isn’t putting his jailhouse calls through (Lolebrity)

Don’t be Thor about this movie review. Or the pun either. You think it’s easy writing these headlines? (Crasstalk).

Liz Taylor, Marlon Brando, and Michael Jackson walk into a car…no, really. And here’s the transcript of the most epic road trip in American history (ShoeBlogs).

Caption Cheryl Cole. This fresh-faced (although over-radiated) newcomer is hoping to make it big in the States instead of doing the faceplant that Destiny itself has in store for her (RightCeleb).

LiLo is dating LRon? Celebrity Cultists Sobriety Coaches? Oh, this should end well. With the stuff she’s usually on, I bet she CAN see Thetans (AgentBedhead.)

Pictoral proof muffin top is not exclusively a female issue. Board shorts and middle aged spread go together like rogaine and ball caps (BusyBeeBlogger).

Angry Patrick vs Animal Ethicists. And seriously, when are they gonna get on that “it’s wrong to eat people” thing with those damn tigers? EH? I wanna know when! (CelebDirtyLaundry).

Sarah Jessica Parker attempts to break into country music at least to judge from this hairdo. But IS she closer to g-d? I guess anything to distract attention from her crushing loss in the Derby (CelebritySmack).

Happy Birthday, Bono! My Imaginary Husband (#8? 12? Something like that) is even older than I am! (CelebVIPLounge).

Chaz Bono shows his O face. What? The face of someone being questioned by Oprah. What did you THINK I meant? (DailyStab).

Linnocent about to be L’pleabargain. Yes, avoiding press maelstroms is kind of Lindsay’s thing, isn’t it? This girl has the hardest-working pr in showbiznezz (EarSucker).

Raccoon McPantsless now Raccoon McJobless. Look girlfriend, when you’re replaced as a model by Kelly Osbourne, it’s time to get your shit together (FitFabCeleb).

Union, jacked. Celebrities fly the flag of another country, not their own. On their boobies. (GirlsTalkinSmack).

The Gouvernator now the Schmoozinator, as Schwartzenwhatsit and Caroline Kennedy’s prettier cousin split up (HaveUHeard).

Alicia Silverstone’s baby born underwater, given stupid name, promptly decides to run away from home at earliest convenience. (HollywoodHiccups).

Teenager trash-talks middle aged woman. It’s Bieber vs Helgenberger in the battle of the vaguely Mittel-European surnames! (INeedMyFix).

Susan Lucci becomes Desperate! Gosh, it’s just like old times! Now she can NOT get a nighttime Emmy too! (MathewGuiver).

Britney Spears in A Streetcar Named Desire, scored by Moby! Or maybe I made that up, but wouldn’t it be AWESOME??? (PoorBritney).

David Lynch is dating WAY down from the Rossellini days. This one? Pretty much plastic if you ask me. (PopBytes).

I don’t care what position he plays now as long as he’s trainable! Some sports dude in his tightie blackie silkies! (Swoonworthy).

Itchy hips? Looks like Rihanna picked up more than just a black eye from Chris Brown (TheSkinny).

Fergie gets Lucky. Not that one; she never gets a break. The surgically modified one, not the toe-sucker one (TheSkinnyChic).


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