The Amazing Race: Globetrotters, Cowboys, and Indians

I want to preface this recap by saying that I am slightly grumpy because I am out of wine, but I will soldier on with a vodka and tonic instead because that’s just the type of dedication I bring to these recaps.

I also have a correction from last week’s episode. The “Couple” did not U-Turn the Globetrotters. The Cheerleaders did. I apologize for any evil thoughts you may have sent to Kynt and Vyxsin and encourage you to direct all future evil thoughts at the Cheerleaders.

Okay, let’s get down to business!

The Cowboys were the first team to depart the pit stop at 2:14 p.m and learned that they had to travel to the Jin Fu Yi Zhan tea shop for a tasting of papaya and mango infused tea. What they didn’t know was that this tea would appear in a later leg of the race.

Father/Daughter left  two minutes after, then Deaf Kid and his Umbilical Cord. Deaf kid was pissed that they were staying in China, which may be a little bit racist.

Father/Daughter found the tea shop first, then the Cowboys showed up. Mallory said the tea tasted like peach. Close, very close. Not really. Christina asked what kind of tea it is, and learned it was papaya mango. Smart. Zev had no idea what it tasted like. Maybe like tea? At least say it tasted like tea.

The teams next had to travel by plane to Kolkata, India where they had to find the Town Hall to receive their next clue. When the teams arrived in India, they ran out of the airport like lunatics and/or rock stars. Lunatic rock stars. Think Russell Brand on speed, or just think Russell Brand.

All of the teams looked like they were having a fun time passing each other in India’s notoriously dangerous cabs, being generally silly, running red lights, playing chicken, almost getting hit by a truck. When they arrived at the Town Hall, they learned that they would have to spend the night outside because it didn’t open until the next morning. Big Easy said he was going to pitch a tent which was sort of TMI for TAR.

Oh ha! When the back of the pack showed up at the Town Hall, the Globetrotters told them to run! run! run! There’s a clue box and you have to sign up for a time! Father/Daughter and Deaf Kid and his Umbilical Cord were dodging and weaving trying to find the clue box! I love the Globetrotters, and everyone had a good laugh which they probably needed because they were about to sleep on the streets in India.

The gates opened at 10 a.m. and everyone ran inside where they were greeted by a Roadblock. The Roadblock was all about flavors. One team member had to participate in an ancient Indian tradition of tea tasting. The team members had to find the flavor of tea that they had tasted in China, about two days ago in an entirely different country. To make matters worse, there was a lot of tea! There were thousands and thousands of cups of tea to taste! I have to pee just looking at all of that tea.

Old Yeller did something smart. Rather than drink a thousand cups of tea, he smelled the cups and looked at the color and immediately chose the correct cup of tea. He basically just put the “amazing” in the Amazing Race. Rather than a regular clue, Old Yeller was handed a bottle of Snapple iced tea sans label. He popped the cap off and underneath it said to go to the Tiwari tea stall to find their next clue.

Zev took a sip and had no clue what the tea tasted like. Luke was totally confused. Everyone was just randomly bringing cups of tea to the judge. Then, Jet started smelling the teas and he found the correct cup. Smell, people, smell!

Kisha selected the correct tea next, but the Sisters were confused about the Snapple bottle. Rather than look under the cap, they began asking people where the Snapple factory was and asked their cab driver to take them there. Rookie mistake, Sisters.

Back at the mile-long tea tasting, Mallory began praying to Jeezus. In India. Wrong God, lady. Kynt  selected the correct tea, and Luke escalated his freak-out. Then, Mallory smelled the teas and was able to select the correct cup. Smell, people, smell!

There were three racers left tasting tea: Luke, Flight Time, and Zev. Zev selected the correct tea next, and Margie clapped for him which is either nice, or sign language telling Luke to hurry up.

Meanwhile, the Sisters wandered around in the middle of nowhere asking people where they make Snapple. Finally, Kisha got thirsty and opened up the bottle for a sip of tea and ah ha! There’s a clue under the cap!

The “Couple” arrived at the tea stall first and received their next clue. Detour! The teams had to decide between Hindu Art or Bengali Literature. In Hindu Art, teams had to paint, dress and adorn a statue of a Hindu God. In Bengali Literature teams had to go to a bookstore and collect eight stacks of books which must be taken to a school in a rickshaw.

The “Couple” chose Hindu Art and were very happy that the body of the statue had to be painted pink and accessorized with sparkly things, just like them. Whatever, people.

Father/Daughter chose Bengali Literature. They loaded the books into a large cage attached to the back of a bicycle which I guess is a rickshaw. Then, they climbed into the cage themselves. This might be the strangest mode of transportation in TAR history.

The Cowboys and the Nerds also chose the bookshop, while the Sisters, Old Yeller and the “Couple” did the painting. Old Yeller put in ear plugs to complete the task because the music was too loud for him. Sheesh, old people!

Flight Time and Deaf Kid were still enjoying hating the tea party. Flight Time got it wrong. Deaf Kid got it wrong. Flight Time got it wrong. Deaf Kid got it wrong. Flight Time finally got it…wrong again. Then, Flight Time chose correctly, leaving Deaf Kid as the only one left at the task. Deaf Kid was annoyed and frustrated. He was crying. He was wailing. It was sad, and also….ugh. He threw himself onto the floor in a crumpled, defeated mess, crying for his mother.

I’m sorry, but I have to jump in here. Nut up, Deaf Kid! You’re being a big baby. You’re being a momma’s boy. You need to suck it up and get the job done. Oh what? You heard me? Deaf Kid sucked it up and completed the task! All of the tea people hugged Deaf Kid and carried him on their shoulders like a hero and promised to name a special new tea after him. I think one of them suggested Sobbing American. It’s a white tea. Look for it in the beverage aisle at your local Whole Foods.

Father/Daughter finished the painting Detour first and were directed to the pit stop across town at the Fountain of Joy. The Nerds finished the book delivery next, and then the Cowboys.

The Globetrotters, on the other hand, arrived at the painting task just as Father/Daughter arrived at the pit stop as Team Number One. Oh look, there’s an Amazing Race-flavored Snapple and their reward is to be the first humans to taste the tea. The tea had previously only been tasted by special tasting helper monkeys, like in Raiders of the Lost Ark. If Father/Daugher survived this tasting, Snapple would put the tea on the market. They also got a Bollywood performance and 1,000,000 rupees which I am surprised to learn is over $20,000.

The Cowboys, Old Yeller and the Nerds were all stuck in a traffic jam on the way to the pit stop and arrived at the same time, just as Phil was rolling the lifeless bodies of Father/Daughter off of the mat. I’m kidding, they survived, look for the limited edition papaya mango Snapple in the beverage department of your local Whole Foods, right next to Sobbing American Tea. The “Couple” showed up a minute later, followed by the Sisters.

The Globetrotters were in a race for last place with Deaf Kid and his Umbilical Cord. Both teams chose the painting task, and the Globetrotters finished first. Before heading to the pit stop, Flight Time gave Deaf Kid and his Umbilical Cord a hug because the Globetrotters are just such wonderful people. Although they had trouble finding a cab, they finally got one and despite some fancy editing the Globetrotters got to the pit stop first.

Deaf Kid and his Umbilical Cord arrived holding hands which, ugh, is part of the problem. He’s deaf, Margie, not blind! Luke sat down on the mat and broke down in another round of tears when he learned that they had been eliminated from the race. He apologized to his Umbilical Cord, and she said she was proud of him. So that’s nice. They both looked completely exhausted so this was probably for the best.

The Race continues in two weeks, when the Sisters play with dung and Zev kind of freaks out from sensory overload. There are seven teams left so we’re getting down to the wire here. Anyone want to call a winner? I’ve got my money on the Cowboys, but the Sisters are looking pretty strong, too.

Finally, today CBS announced the Amazing Race will be renewed for a 19th race.

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