THE TIME OF THE DEBATEPOCALYPSE IS AT HAND! WEEP! REND YOUR GARMENTS! LIVEBLOG!
The debate starts at 9:00 Eastern, and will be broadcast on ABC, CBS, Fox, NBC, PBS and Univision. If you are a wealthy former Romney voter and have cable, it’s also on CNN, MSNBC, and C-SPAN. If you are a tv-less hipster intent on watching it on one of your pods or pads or whatever, Facebook, YouTube, and a variety of news outlets are live-streaming it.
Here’s a link to the PBS stream. Bloomberg TV will be streaming it with live fact-checking. Bloomberg is also streaming it via Twitter here, but it’s not clear if this will also have the live fact checking.
8:45 PM: T MINUS FIFTEEN MINUTES! There will be NO commercial breaks, so go get booze and then pee now. Or you could just wait an hour and wet yourself, like Trump will.
8:48 PM: Here’s a link to some bingo cards.
8:52 PM: Ahem. Okay then. So, KotBR here, resuming a role I filled during the last Presidential election. Remember that one? When a kindly, obnoxiously rich weirdo awkwardly fumbled through a couple of these before his typically obtuse, but at least somewhat articulate policies were sent to the dust bin of history? Yeah, halcyon days, my friends.
8:57 PM: Sitting here waiting for this thing to start, and I’m struck by the fact that, if Americans were to elect Donald Trump, it would be rather like Sorkin deciding at the end of Season 3 of The West Wing that he was replacing Martin Sheen with Andrew Dice Clay. Except, you know, millions of people’s lives would be made immeasurably worse in reality.
9:00 PM: Last time, I was anxious for these debates because it was just so damn compelling. Now, I just sort of feel sick to my stomach. That’s a good sign, right?
9:01 PM: Per Scott Pelley, this whole thing is highly anticipated because the race is so close. I thought it was because we’d be waiting to see at what time Trump would slap his dick down on the podium.
9:04 PM: Six segments? Fucking hell. Of course, securing America is a topic. I look forward to Trump’s golden walls/laser shark proposal.
9:05 PM: Sure, Lester, you’re going to press for specifics. That’ll play well on one side of the stage. Good job.
9:07 PM: So far, Hillary is relaxed, folksy-ish, and running off a laundry list. Thank goodness she’s talking about infrastructure, among other things. No idea how she’d incentivize profit sharing from a class of people who have no interest in sharing anything, ever.
9:09 PM: The Chinese devaluation of its currency. Who left Mitt Romney’s playbook on Trump’s plane? Still, this is a relatively measured first response from Donald Trump, playing close to the vest. Nothing specific here, except ‘reduce taxes’. Of course it is.
9:11 PM: Christ, I’m so terrified that I can’t even snark yet, and we’re 10 minutes in. She’s treating him like an adult, and that’s….a choice.
9:13 PM: Though, I do appreciate the lecture on how to silk screen draperies. Hillary Clinton for President of HGTV! (Fuck, was that sexist? That sounds sexist.)
9:14 PM: At least Trump is still repeating that ‘small loan’ canard. Fuck.
9:15 PM: Lester’s first attempt to interrupt and push back went well. Adorable. At least he does try to draw us back to the question, though it’s not going to be effective.
9:17 PM: That was a wonderful highlight of Donald shooting himself in the foot. “That’s business, by the way.” That’s exactly the problem most Americans have with business, meathead.
9:19 PM: We have to give incentives to build companies. We now live in an era where making some money isn’t enough. What?
9:20 PM: Oh, no no. Now we’re devolving. Hillary is going far too much into wonkishness for the average citizen.
9:21 PM: Holy fuck, if there’s anyway for Hillary to come of as less shrill, it’s for her to maintain her cool while Trump badgers the fuck out of her. There’s no way he doesn’t look like to a dick to the average person who isn’t a giant misogynist. Then again, America….
9:23 PM: Goddamnit, Hillary, don’t try to sell a book right now. You sound like Ben fucking Carson.
9:25 PM: Someone just throw Lester a beer. He’s done for the night.
9:29 PM: Donald Trump literally cannot shut up. It’s like an experiment in letting a Tourette’s patience run for office.
9:31 PM: So…wait, do we want rates to go up or do we want rates to go down? I’m lost. (Hint, they should stay low as long as inflation stays down. The banks hate this, but it’s good for real people on balance.)
9:33 PM: “I’m not evening complaining.” While bitching about being audited for 15 years. I can’t even be snarky about this. Also, are there vocal Trump supporters in this joint? Jesus, people, it’s a Presidential debate, not a rock concert, you fucking animals.
9:35 PM: And see, this is the fucking rub! “That makes me smart” (on not paying Federal income tax). No, it makes you a beneficiary of the same system most of your supporters are allegedly angry about while they’re not punching black people.
9:38 PM: So..he’s not wrong about the roads and bridges and airports. He’s really not.
9:40 PM: Hey, did you guys know Hillary’s dad hung drapes? Did you?
9:42 PM: Are there people who are actually buying this ‘My obligation is to my company and my employees and my families.’ Also, that under budget and ahead of schedule thing? Totally bullshit.
9:44 PM: No, Hillary, we need to get guns out of the hands of pretty much everyone. FFS.
9:46 PM: It’s true, we need more Law & Order. Someone get Dick Wolf on the phone.
9:50 PM: Trump says we need more Law & Order in the inner cities, promises free TNT for all.
9:56 PM: ‘No, you’re wrong.’ It’s like debating Homer fucking Simpson.
9:58 PM: ‘You’ve seen me’, because the cameras never fucking leave you. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
10:01 PM: No, he shouldn’t have ever had to produce the fucking birth certificate, but did so to shut you the fuck up you tangerine nightmare.
10:04 PM: Secretly, there’s a part of my dark, angry liberal heart that doesn’t feel bad for Hillary for getting hit a bit for her treatment of Obama in 2008.
10:09 PM: The border patrol agents endorsed Trump? I mean, they know where their bread is buttered, I guess.
10:10 PM: You would never hear me defend hackers, but, I’m guessing not all of them weight 400 lbs. Also, AL GORE INVENTED THE INTERNET, MOTHERFUCKER! GET IT RIGHT!
10:14 PM: Trump is inadvertently making a wonderful case for more green energy investment-to put more pressure on ISIS’s primary source of income.
10:19 PM: Right now, I just want to hear a Marvin Gaye song play over the loudspeakers and for Lester to shout “Oh my god, it’s Obama’s entrance music! Here comes the President, and he looks angry!”
10:21 PM: ‘Nobody calls Sean Hannity!’, also a lament spoken by Sean Hannity since the 10th grade.
10:32 PM: Jesus Christ, are we a world power or a protection racket?
10:35 PM: So, folks, we’re wrapping up, and I…I just can’t. How is this what we’re down to? Also, Donald Trump talking to us about things that are ‘not nice’? Holy hell.
10:38 PM: Donald Trump closes with saying he will support Hillary if she wins. I guess that means he won tonight, right?
