Clown Car, Clown Car, Clown Car! Damn, I can barely contain my excitement. Let the shameless pandering begin!
The Combatants
I just realized there will be no Trump tonight. It is like the universe is just mocking me. Dammit.
Instead, here is your crew of future Blaze contributors who will inevitably say something really racist, even for the Blaze.
- Gov. Jeb Bush
- Dr. Ben Carson
- Gov. Chris Christie
- Sen. Ted Cruz
- Carly Fiorina
- Sen. Lindsey Graham
- Gov. Bobby Jindal
- Gov. John Kasich
- Gov. George Pataki
- Sen. Rand Paul
- Gov. Rick Perry
- Sen. Marco Rubio
- Sen. Rick Santorum
- Gov. Scott Walker
There, there, America. We can’t be great for ever. Let’s learn to handle it gracefully like the Brits, and to a lesser extent, the French.
GOP Primary Drinking Game
- Open a bottle of the cheapest whiskey since that’s all you can afford in the new 1% America.
- Chug.
- Weep.
- Tell your kids that everything is fine. Mommy and Daddy are just having a rough day.
Let’s start the night off with the right tone.
7:21: Imade it just in time to learn our cybersecurity might be upto Lindsey Graham. Hold me.
7:24: Someone get Gov.Christie a handkerchief and a reason for being in this race.
7:26: A sensible drug policy in my GOP? Really?
7:28: Did Ben Carlson just suggest we borrow health insurance from our friends and family? Sounds like socialism to me.
7:30: The delicious irony of asking a Bush about how to prevent terrorism. If ISIS is the JV team the GOP field is a bad Pop Warner team.
7:35: Carly was also the first woman to lead a Fortune 50 business into financial ruin. #Pioneers
Ummmmm… Is Carly really running as an alternative to the status quo? Even the dumbest Alabama Tea Party voter knows better than this.
The moderator can’t resist the cat fight angle.
7:40: Let’s all gather round for Bobby’s race chat.
Jesus, dude. Black people getting shot by cops is not an issue of a fucking hyphen. I need my slapping gloves.
Important Drinking Game Rules Addition!
Drink every time someone says “permanent political class.”
Thanks, Cletar.
7:45: Scott Walker is a scientist because he was in the boy scouts.
Scott walker talking about what God wants is a bit rich. Jesus doesn’t seem to be the kind of guy who would gut university funding to me.
7:53: Well, at least 3 of them have jobs.
Another Drinking Rule Clarification
“Elite Union Boss” can be used in place of “permanent political class.”
7:49: Only in NH do they take a question from the “Live Free or Die Coalition.” This is why no one lives there.
7:54: The moment when Rand Paul tells me a sexy lie about my student loan debt. #HAWT
Please hold me, this is the only guy I’ve got in the GOP race.
7:58: America’s most punchable Congressman takes the stage.
Dear Canada, keep that shit at home.
Bonus points for combining Hutu and Tutsi into Hutsi. He wins tonight Foreign Policy Medal.
Another Drinking Rule Clarification
“Washington Cartel” can be used in place of “permanent political class.”
Another Drinking Rule Clarification
Ronnie Reference. Drink!
8:03: Of course they ask the Hispanic guy about weed.
And immigration.
New Hampshire is the state that apparently needs to represent White Privilege.
ROUND TWO CLOWN CAR LIGHTING ROUND
Rand: America should be more pussy. Also, black people love the politics of white guys who read Ayn Rand.
Cruze: My health care plan is just like Obummer. But I’m still a rebel, right?
OMG. He thinks he is Ronnie II. Pray for America, kids.
Rubio: Wait, they let Rubio sit on the Intelligence Committee? We need to all start moving towards the emergency compound, people.
Carson: The guy in the entire country that I least trust with a Supreme Court nomination. Seriously. I’d sleep better with Trump making the pick.
Socialism! Drink!
Walker: I don’t understand why people think I’m evil, just because I do evil things.
Vote for me and America will be the paradise that is Wisconsin.
Perry: Health care in Texas is great, don’t listen to those sick kids.
Also:
Jindal: “Something, something I read on Free Republic.
Graham: I will do whatever we need to do to make the American war contractors happy. We just need to sound like we need to know what we know is happening in Syria.
As a resident of DC, I would like to drink more.
I hate to say it, but I feel like I could at least spend a really fun spa day with Lindsey.
Carley: Sure, it was Washington’s fault we had the financial crisis. America’s bloated plutocrats were blameless.
ISRAEL! DRINK!
Santorum: I didn’t even realize he was here. Just like America.
Political ProTip: If you compare yourself to slaves and you are a white guy, you are probably wrong.
Can someone get me a drink and a joint?
This hurts.
Kasich: Zzzzzz…….. Huh? Is he still talking? Is he really trying to sell compassion to GOP voters? Good luck.
He is waaayyy to reasonable to be a GOP candidate.
Christie: It is totally Jordan’s fault that we fucked up the Middle East.
Christie saying he is like a bad relative hits a little too close to home for me.
He is so awful that my dog ran out of the house while he was talking.
Pataki: He ate the dust so will someone please contribute to his campaign fund?
Protip: New Yorkers all hate George.
Jeb: All kids should be as stupid as Florida kids.
He has “Swag Store.”
Damn, that was painful even for CSPAN. P[ease give love to Cletar for his great images.
