Unasked for television behind-the-scenes stories are unnerving; Channing Tatum to hit big with new gig; swimming with the fishes just required barbells; Vin Diesel needs a day off; Matt Lauer gets his own Iron Throne; Mel Gibson has a “Not Without My Daughter” moment; what’s a wedding without a little anticipation of the bursting consummation variety; Gordon Ramsay no longer cares about the state of your fridge; and American Idol laughs in your face and says, “Fourteen years, Beeotch!”
In news you just don’t really want to know about, Lifetime, the network that saved Lindsay Lohan’s Elizabeth Taylor screech-cry in a wooden box full of tears, has announced something called the The Unauthorized Saved By The Bell Story. Well, just what? This is apparently a scripted television movie that discusses what happened behind the scenes of the infamous teen show. When we say scripted we mean they’ve casted actors to play the parts of the SBTB gang to play out all the drama no one asked for. This sounds like…a creepy thing that will tell us way too much about the shenanigans that went on behind closed doors during the Scrunchie wearing 1990’s. If any of it involves a scantily-clad Mr. Belding, that’s it, we’re never watching television again. We imagine we’ll end up hating one and all of these people, and not just Dustin Diamond. But let’s be serious for a minute. Can’t we just about imagine what could have taken place on a program full of hormonal teens on a popular morning television show? A lot of posturing, everyone hooking up with everyone else, maybe a little substance abuse issues, some mean girl stuff et al. So this is a sort of baffling move by Lifetime. Not that it won’t get eyeballs — it probably will. We just think it’s pretty much unnecessary, but Kardashian-live and let live. [Deadline]
Remember when we told you Channing Tatum would be one to watch? When we said that despite the finely placed layer of beefcake on the surface, underneath there was a smart tactician when it came to choosing roles for himself that showcased his strengths? Well, the Tatum has done it again by finding himself in talks to be involved in a big hawking prestige film with the likes of George Clooney, Josh Brolin, and possibly Tilda Swinton and Ralph Fiennes to boot. The Coen Brothers film, Hail, Caesar! will be set in the 1950s and based on the life of MGM executive Eddie Mannix. Reportedly, Tatum’s character will be a Gene Kelly type — so possibly another opportunity to show off his dancing skills? As we said then, we like Tatum. There is something interesting going on that lends itself to a comfortable ease in his acting. Jennifer Lawrence has the same kind of welcoming in-her-own-skin comfort. Both not only work hard at their craft, but seem like genuinely honest talents, free of guile and other Hollywood weirdness, which is refreshing to say the least. Not that there haven’t been missteps. He’s had them. We never want to watch another minute of White House Down, but in efforts like the 21 Jump Street franchise and in films like Side Effects, and if nothing else, the persistence and follow-through he showed with Magic Mike — he’s actually pretty impressive. And it looks like the industry has taken notice. So good on Channing for not letting his star get dull after a string of respectable, if albeit small, successes. [Vanity Fair]
Adrian Grenier, who seems to be either lost in space or working in a Brooklyn Whole Foods, is probably supremely upset no one, just no one considered him for the role of Aquaman in all future Justice League movies from here until eternity. That role is going to thunderous Hulk-Stew of an actor, Jason Momoa, nee’ Khal Drogo from Game of Thrones. Hmm, when we think of a dude who’s all about talking to the fishes and can sluice imperceptively through the water, we kind of don’t think about muscle beef knot, Momoa. Just sayin. Yes, yes, he’s Hawaiian, and is a formidable surfer… so okay, if you say so. Yet, Momoa’s next role will be in a fighting drama called Kane. Yup, this sounds more likely since playing a kind of pissed off dude, we get. As it stands we pretty much think he’ll be the Mark Wahlberg of the ocean, often peeved, a bit grumpy, and so. over. this. shit. Well, we wish Momoa luck with this whole fish ESP thing. Maybe this foray into fantasy will end better for Momoa’s Aquaman than the Dothraki guy with the infection, and whatever was happening with Rose McGowan in that other thing. Now he’ll have to harness the power of porpoises and sea turtles, we guess. “Someone get me my trusty seahorse, Storm!” RIDING A SEAHORSE IS A REAL THING THAT HAPPENS! Oh, geez. [THR]
In other “Tough Guy” news, Vin Diesel is actually having a tough time, guys. His emotional state is a bit of wreck as he works on the latest Fast & Furious (7!) movie without Paul Walker. There have been reports that he’s been “difficult” on set. We’re not even sure what a “difficult” Vin Diesel looks like. The complete smashing of small towns in Idaho kind of difficult? Apparently it’s a bit woebegone if not a little pouty. “Vin spent a whole day in his trailer one day,” says one insider. “The next day, they waited four hours for him. He called a meeting [May 28] of studio execs to his trailer for two-and-a-half hours to say, ‘What the f- am I doing here?’ ” Uh-oh. That doesn’t sound so good. No, not for a movie about fast car racing and we dunno, bank vault stealing, and other high energy, high octane things. Is that what they’re still doing in these movies, or have they moved on to international espionage? Anyway, Vin is not happy that the movie is continuing without Walker, we guess? Or that they’re using some sort of CGI in Walker’s scenes, or that he can’t fight adequately for Walker’s integrity? So…something. Well, our opinion is maybe after you wrap this film, Vin, you kind of don’t do another one. We think that’s for the best. After seven movies in a franchise about car racing, there’s just got to be a reason to retire (if having little to no story isn’t one of them…). We think the time has come to put the car in park, buddy. [Vulture]
Matt Lauer, the burgeoning Rumpelstiltskin of NBC, wants you to know that he’s never leaving that godforsaken morning television couch. No way. So Ryan Seacrest and all you other would-be usurpers, crawl back under your radio show rocks. There will never be a time when the Lauer reign ends. Al Roker knew. He was paralyzed with fear. How long will the “Days of Lauer” continue? Heaven only knows! He’s signed a multi-year contract in a “new deal that will take Lauer’s tenure on Today to two decades, the longest ever on the morning program.” Good Christ. Someone will have to erect a throne of smug Lauer expressions for him to sit upon. So be prepared for more interviews wherein he makes controversial celebrities uncomfortable with his piercing gaze and preternatural telepathy. It’s best not to look directly at him. He’s a gorgon dressed in Brooks Brothers and smiles the smile of the possessed who will eat your soul. He’s already killed Al. [Deadline]
So Mel Gibson has decided not to sit quietly in a white-walled room at a peaceful “spa” in New Mexico and will continue to pop up onscreen in movies. He’s currently starring opposite William H. Macy in something called Blood Father (Yikes!) which is a “Taken-style action thriller about an ex-con who reunites with his estranged 16-year old daughter…” because of course it is. We’re beginning to wonder if sixty-ish guys in Hollywood can do anything but “Taken-style” films wherein they need to save their daughters from random kidnappers. Has no one found this kidnapper bunker where they do nothing but plot to take the teenage daughters of grizzly old men who somehow know how to use sleeper holds? We’re thinking these guys need a new plan. Meaning, the old plan of, “Hey guys, let’s kidnap that old dude’s daughter until he beats us bloody with a beer mug and we lose all feeling in our right testicles” should probably be amended. The new plan should probably be, “Let’s go get Chipotle.” Anyway, William H. Macy and Mel Gibson will make a movie together and we will only probably sleep-watch it on Starz after midnight while we snore softly, majestically, at the television. [Deadline]
In other crazytown full of cracker jacks news about Mel Gibson, Gary Oldman, veteran actor, part-time loon, full-time gif specialist, has come to Gibson’s defense in some sort of tirade about political correctness. “Political correctness is crap.” “Take a f—ing joke. Get over it,” he said. This is in response to Gibson’s very public meltdown which included a cacophony of racial slurs and anti-Semitic remarks. Eh, we dunno, Gary. Gibson didn’t just tell an off color joke at the local jokehouse, he went completely nuts for days. He not only made anti-Semitic remarks and used several offensive and racist epithets, he also threatened to beat and kill his girlfriend. Let’s not gloss over the “crazy and violent,” and just lump Gibson into some group of warm and lovable comedians whose whole schtick is offense for offense sake. Dude needed rehab and a time out. The latter we know he’s received. Sorry, if that isn’t what you want to hear. [THR]
Two quivering loins got married over the weekend. The owners of said throbbing nethers are Jill Duggar, 23, of 19 Kids and Counting fame and her husband Derick Dillard of “Hopefully you’re not my first cousin” fame. The nuptials were held in Springdale, Arkansas in front of more than 1,000 family members in what sounds like something fit for an Ark in biblical times. Leading up to the joyous event wherein the joining of houses will surely beget a long lineage of little Duggar-Dillards, nary a feel was copped, nor two lips were met. All the burgeoning marrieds did before the wedding was hold hands, secretly, sinfully, and full of wanton hand sweat and lascivious knuckle rubbing before the big day. The first kiss was saved for the wedding of which you can see on US Weekly’s website which looks as if HE WOULD LIKE TO SUCK THE VERY LIFE FROM HER SOUL! Either that or he’s preparing to put her in wrapper and throw her to a waiting fishmonger out there in that pond. [US Weekly]
Gordon Ramsay will stop looking for and finding disgusting refrigerator sludge in every refrigerator he’s ever peered into for the entire duration of Kitchen Nightmares. It’s like, “Hello! Gordon Ramsay will be here today. Can someone just run a rag around the inside of the refrigerator?! I mean, really, he looks in there in every episode. So, you person who works here, stop what you’re doing and clean the sludge. I mean, since you’re going to microwave his meal anyway and serve him limp fries, and an overcooked steak, at least the refrigerator should be sludge-free!” So this won’t be happening any more. [Deadline]
American Idol, the singing hobo’s test womb for mass market readiness, will continue to limp along into its fourteenth season. Along with it, J.Lo, Keith Urban, and Harry Connick Jr will continue to act as the bean-eating train conductors on this kerchief-and-a-stick wandering funeral dirge of a show. We’re not even sure who the contestants are anymore. They used to have fun names like Mary Beth McAfee and Justin Guaristino or some such. Now we think people named JazzPop Marie Showboat RasperTonsils appear on this thing season after season, after season. We guess, if nothing else, we can be glad J.Lo and her sparkle harnesses are still working. The rest we imagine are just trying to pay the bills on their beach front properties, and are maybe trying to start a line of frosted tips hair color for Vidal Sassoon. [Deadline]
