Once upon a time, I recapped the weekly insanity that is Hawaii Five-O for this esteemed site. There is something so refreshing about a show with literally no rules and no laws. And by no rules and no laws, I mean domestic and international law. I also mean rules of storytelling and laws of physics.
Being a writer on Hawaii Five-0 must be one of the most freeing jobs in all of screen-writing. Sure, you could write for some other show and write about dragons or drugs or double-agents or ad campaigns or reality television or mysteries of the week or the supernatural. But on H50, you can write about all of them!
So it’s been a long time, and I thought it was worth a quick look at the last few episodes, just to highlight what you are all missing. Note: I apologize for skipping past the episode that featured Officer Chin Ho being drugged and waking up in a Super Max facility, the one about a sniper with no hands, and the one with crime-solving NFL running back Arian Foster.
Dolls
This episode begins with Dog the Bounty Hunter being delayed in his Dog the Bounty Hunter duties by a Roller Derby player inconveniently falling out of a window in front of him. It ends with primary protagonist Officer Steve’s relationship with Catherine, his Naval Intelligence Girlfriend, hitting a tough patch because of trust issues. Same old story: In order to maintain a good relationship with Steve’s mom, Cathrine neglected to tell Steve that she saw his mom torture an international fugitive for secret information. Oh, did I mention that Steve’s mom is “retired” CIA?
With a start and finish like that, does it really matter what happened in between? Actually it does.
Naval Intelligence Officer Catherine went undercover with the Roller Derby team (Derby Name: Alice Trooper) to help a state police agency solve a local crime.
On the one hand, Catherine gets an incredible amount of shore leave. On the other hand, I really question how she chooses to use it.
Close Friend
This is a pretty standard police procedural episode. A local shark tour operator’s body is found dead in the ocean – but dead inside the shark tank! WHAT HAD HAPPANED?! (Hint: It involved explosive timed pet food dispensers, the notorious Taiwanese Drug Cartels, and a WWII-era Soviet knife collection. Only one of those things isn’t true.)
Much more importantly for our purposes, the sub-plot. Inexplicable cast member Really Big Shrimp Truck Guy inexplicably decides he wants a helicopter pilot license to inexplicably run helicopter tours from his Shrimp Truck and the Five-0 gang inexplicably make it part of their job to accompany him on his practice flights. There is no arc to this sub-plot.
The Promise
At this point you are probably saying to yourself that you have a pretty good sense of what this show is about. It’s a slightly zany police procedural that looks for any excuse to show a shot of the island from the sky or some hot beach-goers in minimal clothing. And you are right. So the plot of The Promise probably won’t be all that surprising to you. I’ll just give you the text from Wikipedia so we can move along.
Steve and Catherine go to the Korean Demilitarized Zone to participate in a prisoner exchange, with the allied forces getting the remains of Steve’s fellow Navy SEAL and friend Freddie Hart. One problem: the body they received is not Freddie, prompting McGarrett and Catherine to covertly infiltrate North Korea on a mission to find him.
Actually, if you’ll indulge me, I do want to recap that recap. Hawaii State Police Officer Steve and his Naval Intelligence Girlfriend, who is stationed on a boat off of Hawaii, secretly infiltrate North Korea on their own to dig up a dead body and sneak it back across the border.
Seek Within One’s Soul
There is really only one way to follow-up a secret unauthorized mission to North Korea, and that is, of course, a lighthearted show-within-a-show episode featuring Aisha Tyler as a daytime talk show host who accompanies 5-0 on a ride-along. Hilarity ensues!
Also, multiple victims with their skin peeled off.
Oh, and, I almost forgot. The Big Bad of the entire f***ing series, Wo Fat just happens to be after the same thing as the killer and after being on screen for a total of four minutes, he ends up in a helicopter that is too close to 5-0s military-grade arsenal. The helicopter explodes and Wo Fat crawls around on the ground with third-degree burns. And roll credits.
To Take Captive
Wow. There is really a lot to address at this point! CIA mom is keeping international and family secrets. THE Big Bad of the series has been captured. There were also some hints that CIA mom let Wo Fat escape earlier in the series. So that probably needs to be addressed now that he has been captured. This episode is going to be cray!
And it sure is! A girl that was kidnapped ten years ago is found dead, and Five-0 figures out based on a hair that she was in contact with recently-kidnapped six year old. This episode aired on the same night that the three women in Cleveland escaped after ten years! That is cray!
Oh, wait, but we were talking about the serialized aspects of the show. Haha; they make an appearance too! Officer Kono – who we haven’t mentioned yet because she has basically been written out of this season in favor of Naval Intelligence Girlfriend for no good reason that I can think of – happens to be dating the son of the late Yakuza boss on the island. Of course. Don’t worry; the son has taken their business straight. Or has he?!? He has been acting strangely … ever since his brother got out of prison! And now he is missing!
There is only one course of action, obviously, ask Naval Intelligence Girlfriend to surreptitiously use U.S. satellites to find the boyfriend and spy on him in Japan.
I don’t care if that wasn’t the serialized storyline that you wanted to hear about. That is the serialized storyline you are getting!
Also, Really Big Shrimp Truck Guy is hosting a beach sumo tournament! And really, who has time to worry about all of that other stuff when Beach Sumo Tournament. And scantily clad beach-goers. And my, isn’t that a pretty sunset?
That really is a pretty sunset.
Images: Hawaii, Naval Intelligence, Kono
