Dance momsWelcome back to Dance Moms! I’m excited, aren’t you? Unfortunately, I didn’t have cable last season, so I have no idea what happened. I’m assuming the girls danced and the moms yelled and something, something Maddie, Chloe, drama. Sound about right? Let’s get to the dancing!

Previously on Dance Moms, Kelly left and there was a HUGE audition to replace her kids. Lots of famewhores parents brought their daughters to audition and there was a big ruckus. We end up with a tall, skinny older girl named Allie (Ally?) who has a mom who looks like June from “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.”

Later, the moms are all talking in the parking lot about what they’re going to do and how much they miss Kelli and what’s going to happen now. For some strange reason, they decide to parade their little party past Abby and have a pow-wow in the Ladies’ room. Abby’s not fooled. The moms then decide to shun Abby and not show up to the Pyramid of Shame. I wonder how this is going to work out. Abby notices people aren’t around and shrugs and starts working on Allie’s new dance, when WHOA LADY, we get an interview with Allie’s mom and HOLY POTATOES put down the lipstick, woman! Anyway, Allie’s dancing and then Make Up Mom is prodded by the producers barges in to wonder what’s going on. Abby does to, because there’s NO SHAMING GOING ON. She runs out to the parking lot to find the moms hanging out. Abby tells them all that Kelly isn’t worth this. Melissa munches on some Sweet-tarts.

Afterwards, Abby runs back inside to call 1) any dancers she can find to replace our stars and 2) the cops. Teenographer and . . . random girl have that giggly “SHIT’S GOING DOWN” face that only someone who’s not involved can get. The police show up, the moms leave and gauntlets have been thrown.

The next day, we’re at Candy Apples!! Never leave me Cathy… Jill enters and acts all “Oh, I was just in the neighborhood, and wanted to chat…” but Cathy and her Crazy-dar sees right through that nonsense and calls Jill a studio hopper and informs her to go elsewhere. As Jill leaves, Cathy gives us a parting shot of “That’s an awfully little Louis Vuitton you have there!” There really are no words.

New girls! We have no time to waste because the competition is in two days. Because that’s how Abby rolls and then she acts surprised when the girls make a mistake. Anyway, we meet our girls to replace out other girls, and it’s the same line up. There’s the good one, the sassy one, the black one, and the precocious one and the prodigy, but she’s not here yet.

We get one of Abby’s lovely pep talks, and Skinny Mom looks tightly wound. Should I be bothering to learn these women’s names? We’ll see. Abby does her “everyone’s replaceable” routine and the moms look like they’re regretting this.

Pow-wow at Christi’s and damn that’s a huge wine glass. The moms are upset and still want their daughters to dance. It’s not like there’s only one school in Pittsburgh, folks. Anyway, the moms decide to let the girls choreograph something, and everyone’s excited to show Abby up.

Suddenly, we switch to some overly tan woman with stringy hair on the phone with Abby. Who is she? I don’t know. Apparently, there’s some back story about that stupid Abby Lee Dance Competition show that I refused to watch. Abby called the daughter “Roadkill” so now she has a name. Why is her mom so tan? Why is she wearing hot pink when she’s that tan?  Why is the daughter almost as tan?

Everyone at the studio is buzzing about some new girl who’s big in the competition circuit (aka, no one but some teenagers and Mia Michaels gives a shit) and on YouTube (yeah…). The moms are upset with Abby and now some “celebrity” is being brought in. We meet Sophia and she can give Lady Edith a run for her money in the teeth department. She also has this INCREDIBLY cutesy voice, which immediately sets Abby’s hair on end and leads her to bellow the line “MINNIE MOUSE ALREADY HAS A JOB!!” I’d also like to point out that pot, kettle, etc. Also, what the hell is Sophia’s hair all the time?

Anyway, the moms are upset because no one has solos and Sophia’s mom finds it funny. We’re going to Indiana for Dance Expressions and someone PLEASE give these people a better name for their dance competition. Sophia rehearses her solo about “reality” and the moms sit in the Dance Moms Passive Aggressive Lounge and let the vibes just soak in. The group number is “Cry” and has something to do with letting go. It sounds like something a 14 year old would do, and I wonder if Teenographer actually wrote this regarding a break up or someone she has a crush on.

Meanwhile, everyone ELSE is teamed up at Casa de Kelli, and they’re gearing up for a performance at the local mall. Abby tells them they’ve all been replaced, as if they didn’t know. The girls rehearse in the dining room.

Abby starts freaking out because Roadkill is going to be at the competition wants to show her up and Abby is determined to bring a gun to this knife fight. They show up at Dance Whatever and everyone’s twittering as the ALDC enters and Abby greets some girl in an AWFUL sideways pony tail.

Meanwhile, the other girls are getting ready at the mall, but no one’s there! OH no! How will this turn out?

Dance competitioning! Backstage, Abby give Allie a pep talk that proceeds to put Allie on edge, rather than anything else. Sophia’s outfit is weird and the black girl’s base is waaaay off and she looks weird.

Allie’s not bad, and has some great extension and technique in her piece. Probably because she’s been practicing the longest. However, I feel like I’ve seen this dance before, on one of the other girls. Roadkill comes out and it’s clear that she shaved Grover for her outfit. She’s not bad but her dance is REALLY SEXUAL and OMG did I just see crotch? Am I going to be arrested for this?

Backstage, Sophia drops the cutesy voice. She goes on and shows that she’s a very good dancer, but that Abby only knows how to do flailography and rhythmic gymnastics. Someone get these girls outa here and somewhere good, please.

Black Girl’s mom decides that her daughter needs a solo and is talking with an official about putting her in. Skinny Mom confronts Abby about why everyone has a solo but her daughter. Abby starts needling Skinny Mom and laying the foundation for future bitchiness. In the interview part, Abby wonders how she gets these bitches. I don’t know Abby. Maybe take the weirdness magnet out of your pocket.

The girls get ready to perform “Cry” and I know I’m about to. We see some other group of girls dancing in fishnets and I have no idea why. Is this Roadkill’s group? They’re all wearing mini-veils and I can’t tell. “Cry” starts and its all extensions and smizing and yawning from the judges.

Awards! Allie gets third. Roadkill gets second and Sophia gets first, which is the only thing Abby gave a shit about. Group numbers. Cry gets second. Roadkill gets first. Abby’s pissed.

Back at the mall, lots of people have shown up. It’s like the producers put out a notice or something. The dance is cute but nothing to write home about. The girls are happy, the audience is happy, the moms are happy, only Holly thinks the girls need a teacher.

Back at Dance Impressions or whatever, the moms are having a klatch and Abby comes storming in looking like Evil Incarnate. Allie’s mom grabs her and says it’s not you, it’s me, and I need some space and runs out before Abby can gather steam. Abby’s pissed because Tan Mom and Roadkill won something and berates everyone except Sophia.

Next time on Dance Moms! The moms eat humble pie! Abby admits that she’s all alone and has no one, but Sophia. Sophia looks baffled.