It’s been one hell of a painful election season. The never-ending parade of jackassery has been difficult for all of us. Fortunately, it is almost over. Tonight we will all gather around our screens and see who will govern this mess of a country for the next four years. However, here at Crasstalk, this is of a secondary concern.
No one enjoys the stylings of a good troll more than the residents of Crasslandia, and we thought it was only fitting that on election day we vote for our political troll of the 2012 election. Vote early, vote often, and may god have mercy on America.
And the nominees are:
Ann Coulter: Everyone knew Ann Coulter was a horrible person well before the election. Whether it is harassing 9/11 widows or calling for the imprisonment of journalists who say bad things about the US government, there is really no one quite like Ann. However, even the Queen of the Assholes out did herself with this Tweet:
Needless to say, people were pissed. Of course, the sad part of this that a person with an actual developmental disability responded to Coulter’s words with the kind of grace that a vapid waste of space like Coulter can only dream of. That pretty much says all you need to know about this empty-headed bitch.
Todd Akin: I don’t know what kind of God thinks that this guy is righteous, but I don’t want to live in that universe. It was not just that Akin made a stupid and inhumane comment in the first place, but he also apparently shifted the GOP election strategy to Vote Rape 2012. ICK. Aiken is such a jack ass that he may even lose to Claire McCaskill, one of America’s least competent senators. The democrats thank you Todd, but American women do not.
Donald Trump: One of this season’s strongest contenders has to be The Donald. First he pulled the old “will I or won’t I run” routine (a classic), but then he sent his “investigators” off to Hawaii to prove the president was a Kenyan. He even involved Arizona’s Sheriff Joe to create some kind of awesome meeting of the feeble minds. Finally, when he felt like the actual race was taking attention away from him, Trump made some bullshit offer to donate money to charity if the president would take time from dealing with a national disaster to dig out his college records. Please tell me that this means NBC will finally cancel Celebrity Apprentice. The only thing that makes Trump’s existence worthwhile is this:
Newt Gingrich: Few people fit their names as well as creepy Newt. He is everything wrong with American politics; selfish, dishonest, and spiteful. He dumps his sick wives and runs out on his bills. He is the Id of the 1%. Gingrich’s chief addition to the Republican primaries was his interjection of a Dickensian tone where Americans were told we should make poor children clean toilets and let sick people die in the streets. His racial dog whistle is deafening. His bitterness towards Mitt Romney means he is the commentator to watch on election night.
Herman Cain: Nine, nine, nine, bitches! Does anyone really even know if Soul Pizza is for real? His bizarre campaign, his freaky commercials, and his problems with inappropriate touch made him a joy to watch this season. I am still not convinced that this isn’t some kind of weird performance art. What else explains his Pokeman quote? Mr. Cain, the Crass Politics Team will miss you.
Honorable Mention: The Crass Election Team would like to give a special Crass Insider Award to Botswana Meat Commission for this post. Great job, Fearless Leader.
So join us in our own election. It is the most important vote you’ll cast today. (OK, not really.)