We all know that Glenn Beck enjoys waging war against things he considers un-American, or pro-Kenyan, or anti-wingnuttery, or whatever, so now he’s taken up the blue jeans mantle. The controversial, America-threatening institution of dungaree-wearing. He must save us all.
Beck, an odious gold-shilling, crazed mad hatter of fake Americanisms, has decided that America’s brand of blue jean, Levi’s, is some sort of radical, revolution alluring, diabolical plot to make all our kids want to “Go Forth” and do something like get some sparklers for The Fourth of July, or run into a lake, help someone in another country, or maybe kiss somebody on the lips, and this would be bad. Bad for America. Bad for the geriatric jean-wearing community, and worst of all, bad for improving the amount of money in his bloated, money-seizing pockets.
So the fired Fox News shouting head has come up with his own brand of jeans for, we don’t know, those sitting around asking their current jeans why they can’t be more patriotic. He’s launched his own blue jean line called 1791 Supply & Co because obviously Beck Pants with Front Butt and Extra Pleats was already taken. The stellar brain child behind this endeavor has to do with changing history.
Since Levi’s has always been branded as America’s first jean which launched in 1873, Beck has decided his jeans launched like yesterday probably in a corn field in North Dakota, will have the year 1791 on them so in his press release he can say:
These were the first American blue jeans. The jeans that built America. And they were built in America. Built at a time when things were timeless. A time when you knew things would last. A time when people worked for their dreams and their dreams worked for them.
What? There were blue jeans in 1791 and Glenn Beck, ridiculous nosferatu, was around to build them? This makes such little sense we’re just stupified. Glenn Beck is a time-traveling rage monster wrapped in an American flag burrito of lies and faulty conspiracy theories — so in effect a regular garden variety wingnut now offering people “America Pants.” How nice for the consumer public. The thing we always felt we were missing was Glenn Beck in our pants.
Well, whatever. These Star Spangled jeans come in two types, classic and straight. None of that skinny crap or slim fit for you communist hippies or you gay art students. It’s about blue jeans and welding, and being tough like a silver dollar! Oh, they’ll also run you about $129.99 per pair. Real American prices, right, and no way can you buy them in a Kmart or a JC Penney, these are Glenn Beck’s extra special jeans that he conceived in his own underground bunker, and judging from the commercial, while some weird dude tried to make his own rocket ship in his backyard. Ostensibly, that’s what the regular American worker has time to do while providing for their family — spend time welding fake rockets — and buying $129.99 Glenn Beck Patriot slacks.
You’ve just got to watch the ad. The guy’s goofy running at the end and the voiceover all make this thing totally ridiculous, but utterly hilarious.
Here’s one of the Levi ads that probably got Beck’s nipples all anxious, because it was about global progressiveness and that is staunchly un-American in his view. “It’s hard to believe that a company associated with America and working class values would use global revolutions and progressivism to sell their products.”
