Whether snow bound, iron bound, in the lull of vanity and serenity, or the shadowy gates of hell, Westeros has proven to be a hunting ground for some, a saving grace for others, and for many, many more, a place in which survival is coveted. Last night’s season two finale may have offered up some closure, but above all else, posed the kind of questions only a tale this sweeping and engaging can.
We give you “Valar Morghulis” in all its glory.
We begin with an eye. Uncertain and bleary at first, but becoming sharper by the minute. As we zoom out we realize that the eye belongs to Tyrion who was felled by a sword swipe last episode during the Battle of Blackwater. It was a rather nasty head wound, but it didn’t look life-threatening, and it wasn’t. Tyrion awakes to find Maester Pycelle standing over him and they look to be in what could best be described as an anteroom of a horse stable. Gone is the finery of where he once laid. Now it’s bandages thrown around his head haphazardly, a shirt-covering made of the finest burlap, and a bed chopped from the best wagon wood made available. Poor Tyrion. Pycelle is not the dude he wants to see right now since he locked up the old yammering coot in the Black Cells. And Pycelle seems to be itching to get his hands on Tyrion, probably to return the favor. Tyrion slaps Pycelle’s hands away and yells for his squire, Podrick, to alert him and anyone in hearing distance that he is indeed alive. A few mosquitoes nod in response.
Speaking of horse stables, there’s now poop on the screen. Oh, fabulous. Tywin’s horse just took a massive dump on the floor. Fantastic foreshadowing! Nothing else could rightfully prepare us for the massive mouth-dump Joffrey takes in the throne room. Joffrey claims Tywin “Savior of the City” while Tyrion rots in the far west wing of the castle out by the highway. Yes, sure, Tywin rode in at the last minute and flew the flag of Lions or whatever, but without Tyrion’s cunning, that success may not have been so easy. Anyway, ultimate jackass Joffrey bestows a few honors. Tywin is celebrated and given the fancy Hand of the King broach, which we assume Joffrey ripped off his uncle’s still unconscious chest, the dickface. And because Littlefinger helped arrange the allegiance of the Tyrells he’ll get Harenhal, the dragon-scorched castle where Arya was held. Better get a fantastic decorator, Littlefinger! Dragon fire will take more than a vacuum cleaner! And those Tyrells, Joffrey also gives the gift of making a request to Ser Loras. Loras makes quick work of offering Margery to the king, who stands there in the Westeros version of a Cher by Bob Mackie dress, smiling daintily, her hooks and claws subtly hidden.
Margery, who’s had more than a few courses in “Lying to Kings Because their Egos are Bigger than their Other Body Parts Apparently,” says to Joffrey how much she loves the little ear mite, and regales his majesty with commentary about his “wisdom and courage.” Haha! What?! At his mother’s request that dude went and hid under his bed with his crossbow probably named “Tiny Tim” during the rest of the battle!
While Joffrey, Cersei, Pycelle go back and forth about whether or not he can morally throw Sansa over for Margery “If I Could Turn Back Time” Tyrell, Sansa pretends to look stricken. It’s finally decided. Joffrey will wed Margery because he will “love her for all time” and Sansa is free? Still a captive? Well, Littlefinger corners her just as she’s grinning from ear to ear about this whole pitiful shame of no longer being betrothed to Joffrey thing, and tells her that “Yeah, no. Joffrey will keep you as his concubine with whom he’ll rape, torture and do other horrible things to.” Because Littlefinger is such a joy, but we believe it. Seeing an opportunity, Littlefinger also offers to help get Sansa home, and we’re thinking to ourselves, yikes, what if that means either through marriage, and yeah, blerg, or by whoring her out for the funds to transport her, and good gracious, double blerg. Sansa decides to stay at King’s Landing. We’re not sure if that’s a good choice, but Littlefinger is weird and a deviant. So, better to take your chances with the devil you know, then? Yes, maybe. Sansa’s whole world is rapidly becoming reduced to a Choose Your Own Adventure novel. Go with The Hound? Turn to page 8. Go with Littlefinger? Turn to page 10. Stay with the Lannisters? Go to the end of the book.
Since Littlefinger is off being rewarded with ugly castles, Ros is left alone back at the sex shack. Varys pays her a little visit. Now we know that Varys sures up his place and his value by gaining information, so it’s interesting that he says to Ros that he has a job for her. And it looks like he struck at the right time. Ros, who’s being abused by Littlefinger, looks all the worn for wear, especially as she listlessly tries to seduce Varys, even though she had to know he was without equipment. Ros is sorely off her game. A prime reason for joining up with Varys, if nothing else he’s not interested in her fish pie, so it looks like he’ll probably gain an ally. And allies aren’t easy to come by.
Well, unless you’re made of knight Brienne’s stock. She’s still on this fool’s errand of returning Jaime to King’s Landing, which seems like the dumbest thing ever. Catelyn, urgh. On the trip, they run into three Stark soldiers who’ve raped and hung three women. Why? We have no idea. Brienne wants to cut them down while Jaime says they should keep going. Jaime, for his part, is trying to get inside Brienne’s head, hoping to find some weakness. He’s not very successful. The three soldiers have a good laugh looking at “the woman knight.” Oh, ho! Now, that’s rich! Bah! Idiots. Brienne stoically explains that she’s just transporting a prisoner, a petty thief. Quickly, and without reservation, Jaime affects a lowborn accent giving some credence to the story. However, one rather astute soldier doesn’t buy it and believes they’ve encountered The Kingslayer. Smartly, another asks both Jaime and Brienne to tell him Jaime’s name on the count of three. (Fingies note: Wouldn’t we all universally just go with John?) Knowing the jig is up, Brienne deftly kills all three men; one with a nice long, agonizing stab to the groin. Jaime stands in awe, and well, looks a bit swoony. Brienne has made an impression on The Kingslayer.
Back at the Stark camp, oh geez, Robb went on a date and now he’s in lurve. Do we have time for this? Patoo. Fine, sure, we have time for this. Robby here is mad at his mom because she’s pretty much insisting that he marry the uggo Frey troll maiden, and Robb really just wants to have dirt floor sex with Talisa, Lady Hacksaw from foreign lands. Catelyn tries to express all the virtues of an arranged marriage, which sounds like many nights sleeping in separate rooms to start with. Robb is having none of it. True love, it has bitten the young Stark. So away they will to get married under a tree with the joining of hands, the tying of ribbons across them, while they recite the long lost lyrics to an ABBA song. And with that Robb is done for the season. Tywin now rules Westeros vis-à-vis Hand of the King and Robb gets hitched. SMDH.
Stannis now sulking in his defeat by Tywin’s last minute save, and pouring out his heart to Melisandre, the red priestess. Well, no, actually, he’s attempting to choke the life out of her for not guaranteeing him victory in the battle. Pity that. She’s probably really saying, “Well, you should have taken me with you like I said.” There’s no sight of their odd, shape shifting, phantasm son. But Stannis does know Melisandre was behind Renly’s killing and he seems a bit regretful. Oh, Stannis, you’re such a boring person. Even your remorse is boring. Melisandre does her best at pumping him up by saying “This war will last for years, thousands will die at your command, you will betray the men serving you, you will betray your family, you will betray everything you once held dear.” Well, this sounds cryptic and terrible to us, but to Stannis, we guess this is just the sort of thing he wants to hear. When he’s convinced to look in the “fire” to see his future, when he finally does, his face lights up like a birthday party at Disney World, and we’re pretty sure that means trouble for everybody riding the damnable tea cups.
And from one monstrous revelation to another, back at Winterfell, Theon Greyjoy is finally understanding what kind of man he truly is. He’s surrounded by 500 of Stark’s bannermen with only 20 of his own still holding Winterfell. He’s irritable and defeated and he knows it. He launches in a sad sack retelling of how he came to Winterfell in the first place, and a trio of teeny, tiny violins appear out of nowhere played by a fantastic Winterfell mouse troupe. Sadly he recognizes that he’s done too much to run away from his current predicament. No one’s coming to save him. Not his sister, not his father…no one. Maester Luwin tells him to run away to the Night’s Watch, and even that sounds too good for him to us. He decides to stay and fight and blaze out on the end of sword. Well, not really. As he’s giving his great, big, bawdy speech in attempts to rally the last of his men, his first mate clops him on the head knocking him out cold. Don’t we think Theon would probably mess up his own surrender by spearing himself in the gonads? Yes, we do. His men put a bag on his head and drag him off to points unknown, but when Luwin tries to intercede, he gets a spear in the gut for his trouble. He’s mortally wounded.
Later, Osha, Hodor, Bran and Rickon emerge amongst the smoldering heap that was Winterfell. We have no idea who burned the castle, but they find a dying Maester by their spirit tree. He implores Osha take the boys north to Jon and she agrees, and also agrees to put the Maester out of his misery. Ouch. That was pretty awful. We liked the wizened, old Maester. Now the four of them are off north, Bran in a wheelbarrow and with the two Direwolves as additional protectors.
Arya is also on the move. Jaqen H’ghar, that crafty third-person speaking bastard, has found Arya, and oh, yeah, that’s some supernatural stuff happening with this dude. How did he do all those things? How is he standing on top of a stone pillar? Why does he sound like Yoda’s best friend? Ah, he’s from Braavos, the place where people are magic swordsmen. He invites Arya to come with him back to his homeland, but Arya feels strongly that she should find and/or help her family, including Sansa. Jaqen won’t leave her for good, however. He gives her a magic silver dollar and tells her to give the coin to anybody from Braavos and say “Valar Morghulis” and like a genie he’ll appear, we assume. Then he morphs into Michael Jackson’s Black or White video, gets a new face, and off he goes. Bye “Faceless Man!”
Tyrion, in his new hovel, licking his wounds, is finding out that it was his sister who tried to kill him. Which shouldn’t be all that surprising. Cersei probably wished she could beam down to the battlefield to watch it happen. Still thinking he has clout, Tyrion yells for guards at his door. And this is when he learns Bronn has been demoted, and his tribesmen have been paid and sent on their way. The only one who still remains is Shae. Her love for the half man is deep and abiding. She doesn’t flinch as she removes his nasty bandages to reveal his new face. A face with a slash across the middle. “I’m a monster as well as a dwarf, you should charge me double,” he says. Bah! No one’s joking right now, Tyrion. And Shae rightly calls him on his tone. She doesn’t care and wants him to run away with her. And here is where Peter Dinklage’s Emmy nomination clip comes in, he says emphatically that he wants to stay…has to stay in King’s Landing, because dammit, this is what he’s good at. He’s good at outthinking, strategy, and all around badassery. He won’t leave. He won’t show them that they’ve succeeded in driving him out. Yet, his vulnerability shows through when he asks Shae to stay. And she tenderly reminds him that she is “his.” And then they both cry together. This scene was both beautifully acted and so wrought with wickedness in all that Tyrion has lost in one fell swoop. We hope he rises yet again. Fiercely.
Oh, and “rising” is what this show does best, eh? We’re back on the Star Trek holodeck with Dany, and she’s approaching The House of the Undying in search of her dragon children. The place is just one giant illusion, because just naturally. You think you can just walk into a place called The House of the Undying, see the maître d, and get a table by the bar? Nope, it’s all a game, lovelies. Once inside Dany can hear both the squall of her dragons, and Ser Jorah yelling for her outside the stone column. She walks through and comes upon the King’s Landing Throne Room, only winter has come but the ceiling looks to be scorched and ruined. Dragon fire? Maybe. Just as she’s about to touch the iron throne, she hears the bleats of those damn dragons. More insistent this time. She leaves the room and finds herself north of the wall, yet there’s a Dothraki tent a few yards away. Inside…HOLY CRAP it’s KHAL DROGO! Back from the dead with their baby! Awww, man. This was awesome. Drogo is as steely as ever. Eyeliner sparkling, pectorals heaving. “If this is a dream I will kill the man who tries to wake me,” he says. It is a great moment, and it provides closure for Dany and us ladies who also longed to say goodbye to one of the best characters on the show dammit! Alas, it is not meant to be, and Dany knows this is a test. She leaves them both in search of her dragons.
She finds them imprisoned by the same blue-lipped warlock. Sheesh, this guy. Yeah, yeah, rule the world, total domination, yadda, yadda, blah, blah. These dudes always think the same way. He attempts to lock up Dany, but er, um, yeah, she got dragons. With one word “dracarys” and the those little dragonlings let loose some hellfire, and burn blue lips into the ground. Well, that was convenient. Later at Xaro Xhoan Daxos house, first she sees her Dothraki handmaiden in bed with the guy (O’RLY!), then after taking his precious jeweled key, finds out that all his vast treasure was a lie. There’s nothing in the vault. Well, until she puts Xaro Xhoan Daxos and Doreah in the vault. Now there’s three things worth nothing in there! Fantabulous. She then raids his house Dothraki style and she’s off to find a ship.
North of the Wall, Jon is still captured by Ygritte and the Wildlings because Jon is an idiot. Even his would-be girlfriend is beating him on the head with his sword. Apparently this is the North of the Wall version of being stuffed in your locker. After a time of this bullying, suddenly Qhorin Halfhand attacks Jon. Boneface SkullSkull says to let them fight. This was all a plan, you see. Halfhand charges and provokes and before Jon knows it, he’s rammed a sword right through Halfhand, and this gets the desired effect. Boneface SkullSkull cuts Jon’s binds and he’s led to a ridge and down below he sees a rather large Wildling camp. “Oh, look honey! It’s the Wildling Hamptons!” No, seriously, Jon has just discovered a new reason for living we think. This is where he’ll meet Mance “King Beyond the Wall” Rayder, whom we hope is far better at leading than Boneface SkullSkull. He kinda sucks. Somebody got killed on his watch. Stupid Boneface SkullSkull.
Some distance away we’re reunited with Jon’s Night’s Watch brothers including Sam who’s still going on about Gilly, Craster’s daughter-wife, and mother of his son-grandson. It’s the ninety pounds of wolf pelt. It makes all the Wildling ladies sexy minxes. These guys have the enviable work of digging in the snow…and then a horn blows. Well, okay, it’s just the one horn maybe it’s Jon returning…two blows, er uh, a Wildling attack. Arm yourselves men! Three blows…HOLY HELL! WHITE WALKERS! Sam’s brothers take off in a blur of black crow feathers. Sam, because he’s, well, Sam is left behind. So he hides…behind a rock. Jesus Christ, Sam. Why not just lay on the rock like it’s a serving platter?
Out of the blowing snow we see, yes, the zombies that have traveled all the way from Hershel Walker’s farm in Georgia, through the AMC television studies, up north beyond the wall of Westeros, after taking a left at HBO’s headquarters, and now they’re on our screen. There is an entire zombie horde coming right for Sam and whatever else is in their path. The walkers look like a mix of Wildlings and Night’s Watchman. Maybe a few Craster daughters are thrown in. Could one of them be Benjen Stark? And what about the leader on the undead horse, didn’t he look a little like Commander Mormont? He’s been gone a few episodes. So, great, we start with a medieval tale and almost end up in a zombie mall! So much happens on this show.
We’re happy that most stories left us with a good ending point for this season. And well, at least no one got their head chopped off, right? We’re thankful for small favors.
What did you think? Let us know in the comments.
NOTE: You guys know my policy on book discussions, this is a book-free space for Game of Thrones. We’re just talking about the television series, so please try and avoid book spoilers. Thanks!
Here’s a more detailed infographic of the houses.
Click image for a full screen version.
