This Sunday afternoon, after sleeping in till 11 (it was sweet), gorging myself at the Camino Real’s mother’s day buffet and having a couple of mimosas, I invited mom to drop by and watch an episode of Shahs of Sunset.
So If you’ll allow, we’re about to get a little Sybil over here as I let mom take over my left brain to provide commentary. This is for you Miss Anita Manbadly.
Mom: I can’t believe you actually paid to watch this shit online.
Me: Well, I used an Amazon gift card, so it wasn’t really me paying for it…
Mom: Whatever. What a waste of money. By the way, what in God’s name did you drink last night? Bourbon and Scotch?
Me: (hangs head in shame) Yes…
Mom: You feel terrible.
:::
Mom: Jesus, where do I even start? What is it about those rat dogs that everyone has to have one? What breed is that, anyway?
Me: I think Pablo is a Chiweenie, and Julio is Chihuahua and Terrier.
Mom: Why is she carrying them in a pram?
Me: I have no idea.
Mom: Well, from the looks of the three of them, they could all stand to walk more. Disgusting. If she wants a baby just have a baby. I mean, IVF is perfectly acceptable in this day in age. This infantilizing of animals is really horrible. I’m surprised she doesn’t have them in a layette and bonnet.
[REZA GOES ON TIRADE ABOUT HOW HE’S ALL THAT]
[EYEROLL]
Mom: What the hell is going on with that mustache? The only reason I let your father wear one is because he looks 12-years-old without it. Between Reza’s moustache and the haircut he looks like a dictator.
Me: Whoa-ho, there. (snicker)
Mom: For those of you who don’t know, that was Saddam Hussein as a young man.
Me: We don’t need to explain the joke, Mom.
Mom: Do we know that?
Me: Moving on, what about the suits?
Mom: The suits? Okay, he doesn’t have terrible taste, but I’m sorry. Men with legs that hairy should not wear boat shoes and shorts.
Me: My thoughts exactly. I was expecting more tacky jewelry.
Mom: I think the women have that covered.
Me: Yeah, Asa. You’re not materialistic at all.
Mom: She says that while wearing $7,000 worth of gold on her neck- if it’s 22k.
Me: Of course it’s 22K.
Me and Mom: Of course! Real Estate!!
Mom: I think I’m going to call Mike Sultani from now on.
Me: Because he’s beefy?
Mom: No, because that’s all he has between the ears.
Me: So you haven’t said anything about GiGi.
Mom: What is there to say about her? That she’s a terrible person? That she’s a spoiled brat who should be left to scour dishes for a couple of years in a family restaurant before being arranged into her marriage? That she and Sultani are perfect for eachother for their egos alone? That her nose job looks ridiculous (really, why to Middle Eastern women think the ski-slope nose looks attractive on us- it looks out of place). Should her family be proud that she has essentially said she wants to be a kept woman who doesn’t even cook or clean? Huh? HUH??? And I don’t care if that is Diane von Furstenberg. It looks like H&M. And then having a tantrum because Asa insinuated that she was cheap? Just because your clothing is expensive doesn’t mean you don’t look cheap.
It’s like they’re setting her up to be the Teresa Guidice of the show. And I know that she actually knows how to use that gun. It’s really disgusting watching her flounce around for the cameras like a little girl. Strong Middle Eastern women have bigger balls then their men. Act like it.
Me: What about Sammy?
Mom: He seems like a genuinely nice guy, who works hard. Meh. I’m sure he’ll be miserable by the end of the season.
Me: Oh, MJ’s mom is terrible.
Mom: She was right about that “beautiful house-dress” (*snork*) Bwahahaha! Falaheen! That thing is hideous. With gold polka dots????
Armenian girls get fat after they marry???!!!! Kunem ko. Look in the mirror. What the hell is going on with her hair? It looks like it was teased by Rumpelstiltskin.
Me: Whoa. What does that mean.
Mom: I don’t know. It sounded good. Something about gold thread and an angry troll… Her mother has that same terrible nose job as MJ and GiGi. She needs to wear powder. Her face looks as shiny as a boiled turnip.
Me: Speaking of shiny…yeah, Reza, Asa may look like a belly dancer, but at least she doesn’t look like a cheap strip club owner.
Mom: MJ looks good in that color (bridesmaid’s dress). It’s a shame she had to be such a bitch to the bride.
Me: Right? Just because you don’t want to get married, doesn’t mean that you have to make everyone else miserable.
Mom: Personal stylists for a pool party? You have got to be kidding me. What a complete asskisser is Reza? I know you want GiGi to be your hag, but you’re stuck with MJ. GiGi is one of those girls who will never really like you, so giving her a rim-job and cruelly dismissing her enemies will get you no where. Move on, hokis.
Me: How much do you want to bet that Sultani’s “girlfriend” was hired by the production team for the party.
Mom: Thank god that’s over. Well, they’re not as bad as the Kardashians. As least most of them have legitimate jobs, and work hard. Are we doing this again next week?
Me: That depends on the Mods and the Commentariat.
Mom: Well, you go take a nap. You look like shit, habibi. Love you.
Me: Love you. Happy Mother’s Day.
