With the ringing of bells and a beat of a drum, war has arrived.
We begin last night’s episode, “Blackwater Bay” in the murky, inky sea with Stannis’ fleet steadily approaching King’s Landing. We open with Davos preparing for battle at the helm of his ship taking stock of Stannis’ offense. He and the new potential king of Westeros look both stoic and resolved, which when we see the men below deck, there’s a bit of contrast to the nervousness we see shown here. We’re not sure if it’s just sea sickness or overall uncertainty.
For his part, in the opening, Davos shares a few thoughts with his son, Matthos. His words while not showcasing much fear, there’s also little arrogance. He voices how most of his life was spent running from the royal fleet, not sailing right for it. His son, ever the believer, says that Stannis’ fleet is the royal fleet. And so our internal conflict begins.
We loathe Joffrey and Cersei and this little game of insolent king chess they’ve been playing at. We know that Joffrey, the certifiable monster-child is no ruler and that by rights the throne is Stannis’ to claim, but we just don’t like Stannis. He comes off more like an obsessive militant. Not wanting the crown because he intends to be a good ruler per se, but because it should be his, that it is his birthright. There’s also the whole supernatural element. Yeah, do you really want someone in charge that can summon demons at will? So who are we rooting for really?
Really, in all this we’re rooting for Tyrion, our erstwhile hero. He’s caught in the middle, and in his entry into the episode, in a quiet moment talking with Shae in their chamber, he puts voice to the fact that as a Lannister it is his duty to fight, and that rightly or wrongly he will be put to death the same as every Lannister in King’s Landing. He says he is afraid, but he’s resigned to do what he can, what he must, to ensure Joffrey stays on the throne for good or for worse.
Following this thread of impending doom that author and executive producer George R.R. Martin, and director Neil Marshall have put together in this expertly executed episode, we see and hear how encroaching war has changed the once haughty Lannisters, even Cersei is preparing for the possibility of losing the battle. She’s requested a vial of Nighshade, a poison, from Maester Pycelle, and as he attempts to tell her of the dangers, we see that Cersei is well aware of its potential to bring harm, and we know that it may be used for that exact purpose if there is no other course.
While Stannis’ men are ill at ease as they lead up to war, we find Bronn and a few fellow soldiers partaking in a bit of final drinking, singing, and whoring. And just why not? If it’s surely to be your last night on earth, why not do what you can to enjoy the bits of it that don’t involve being stabbed to death, eh? What we can note is that Joffrey is such a poor excuse for a king that no one in the realm has any faith in his ability to lead them to victory. The scenes preceding the battle almost seem like the torch lighting ceremony of the King’s Landing funeral pyre. Even when Bronn and The Hound square off, it’s almost to say, “Hey, I never really liked you and would really enjoy killing you. Let’s do it now before there’s nothing left of you to kill later.” But before we can witness the cage match of all cage matches the bells begin to chime.
Upon hearing the bells, Varys and Tyrion share exactly the trepidation all feel when hearing them. They say the bells signal a dead king, a city under siege — and a wedding. All three a manner of horror. Sheesh. What the hell happens when there’s a birth? The drowning of kittens? Whatever it’s called, we like the new found friendship, or perhaps it’s a mutual respect, between both Varys and Tyrion. They understand who and what the players are and what their role is in the whole game. There is very little in the way of secrets between the two when it comes to their feelings about Joffrey and Cersei, and what kind of effect Tyrion has. While Tyrion is suited with his armor by Squire Podrick Payne, Varys procures a map of the underground tunnels in Kings Landing should Tyrion want to make an escape. However, Tyrion has no such plans to use the tunnels as an escape or so he tells Varys, to which Varys thinks is noble if not a bit impractical. However, this does little to change the fact that Varys believes that Tyrion is the only one who may be able to stop Stannis. This reality looks like it weighs heavily on Tyrion.
Back on the ships, Davos hears the bells and knows that they’ve been spotted. Dropping the need for pretense, he answers back with the playing of drums which serves as an official response leading to the engagement of war, and also heightens the growing tension of the episode. Like a pulse, the drums also represent the panic and preparation that is flowing through Kings Landing. Tyrion makes sure Bronn has his orders which we’re not too sure what they all mean, but we gather it’s an integral part of Tyrion’s tactics if he’s sending his sellsword out to take care of it instead of being by his side. We also get a glimpse of Sansa in the main throne room. She’s been summoned by supreme jackass Joffrey. He wishes to be sent off to war with a kiss — on his sword. Oh, he’s such a detestable jerk. He comes in with a stupid swagger and a look of satisfaction in succeeding in a war that he has not yet won. He names his sword “hearteater” because he’s a little lame snot who likes to name his toys. He brags about killing Stannis as if this were a video game and after killing the “big boss” he’ll eat a few microwaved bagel bites and have Sansa giggling at his side. She counters with, “Oh, so your grace will be fighting in the vanguard?” The boy blusters and blathers on about how dangerous he’ll be if Stannis gets near him, and we all roll our eyes knowing for a fact if Stannis is close enough to even glance in Joffrey’s direction the boy will muddy his pants.
When we arrive at the Battlements atop the castle, Tyrion and Joffrey survey Stannis’ fleet, and after realizing there are no Lannister ships Joffrey begins screeching about their absence and demands Tyrion answer him and we’re all saying, “Shut up, Shut up, Shut up!” Which is basically what Tyrion says when he tells Joffrey, the farce king with his sword, “shiteater,” that he’s thinking of strategy and to shut his pie hole.
Davos is also wondering why there are no ships, so we know something is definitely afoot.
All of the highborn ladies are in Maegor’s Holdfast which seems like some sort of underground lady-bunker. Sansa doesn’t know why Cersei has invited her down into the holdfast, since it seems she dislikes her so much. Well, the answer to that question is to nag and pick at Sansa like some drunken step-mother. She wants to ply her with wine, and discuss all the nasty business that will happen if the city falls. She sounds almost giddy as she tells Sansa that all the ladies will be in for a “little bit of a rape” and that some will be pregnant by dawn, that is if they aren’t dead first. Oh, how nice, Cersei. She’d be in charge of the worst suicide hotline ever.
Back on the Battlements, Tyrion has given the order to the archers to take their marks, and of course, Joffrey knowing nothing just says, “Attack, Attack, Attack! Forget strategy! Just shoot something, dammit!” Tyrion tells his line to hold. In the distance we see one Lannister ship which confuses everyone, especially Davos and his crew. He prepares to fire on the ship and sees that it’s unmanned, just as Matthos sees that it’s leaking green fuel. Davos figures it out and says “Wildfire.” Tyrion’s Pyromancer hands him a torch which he throws over the wall as a signal to Bronn who lights one spectacular arrow and shoots it in a perfect arc to land right in the middle of the green napalm and an explosion of green fire erupts everywhere. It’s a goddamned napalm Fourth of July. The majority of Stannis’ ships are burning, and we have no idea what happened to Davos. Stannis however is unmoved. He says, “The little dwarf has played his little trick. He can’t do it again” and despite the fears of his men, decides to forge ahead on smaller boats even though Tyrion’s next move is to arm his archers with fire.
We return to Cersei and Sansa still having the worst conversation that ever existed between future mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, where she tells Sansa that prayer is stupid, her vagina is the boss, and proves that being shitfaced makes some people royal assholes. Drink!
The success of wildfire notwithstanding, Stannis is still coming and now Joffrey is really afraid, “There’s too many” he proclaims with his balls hovering inside his belly. Tyrion steadfastly gives the order to the archers to do their thing, and for The Hound to go down to the gate and kill any men that make it to shore. Here is where the battle truly begins.
Arrows are fired, and then begins some serious deaths. There are screams, people are losing their heads after being pelted by large rocks, The Hound gets in there, lops some heads, eviscerates a few people, and even Lancel Lannisters kills a few. Well, until he takes an arrow to the chest and retreats. Naturally.
Cersei is still educating Sansa on all the horrible things that go along with being a highborn girl. Oh, you know the selling of your virginity and all that. Sansa says, “But you were Robert’s Queen.” And Cersei retorts, “Yes, and you will be Joffrey’s. Enjoy.” Drink! Yikes. Mommy Dearest is in rare form. Cersei then turns her attentions on Shae. Shae gives a clumsy curtsey, which makes drunken Mommy Mayhem laugh and then show her, which means the Queen Regent is giving a curtsey to a handmaiden. Shae is surely chuckling inside at that. And just as Shae is about to tell them all a story, Lancel bursts in to update Cersei on the battle. Once she learns that Stannis has made it to shore she tells Lancel to get Joffrey and bring him inside the Keep, which will further make him the worst kind of king. She then tells Sansa that Ser Ilyn is really there to execute them if Stannis succeeds. Either way Sansa is screwed. Drink!
There’s more gory fighting going on outside the gates, and The Hound is doing pretty well until someone comes at him with fire. Fire is the one thing The Hound doesn’t do. He retreats back inside the gate as Stannis mounts a ladder and climbs the battlement. The Hound takes a wine break and commits treason. He says, “Fuck it all,” drops the mic, and exits stage left. And things are looking bleak for the Lannisters. Stannis has mounted the wall and his men are now using a battering ram to gain entry into the gates.
While everything is going to shit, Lancel finds Joffrey and tells him that his mother wants him home for dinner. For half a second we thought maybe Joffrey’s balls would have shown themselves and refused his mother’s offer, and stayed to fight, but haha! This is Joffrey. He leaves Tyrion alone to become leader of the attack. Tyrion attempts to rally the troops which doesn’t work so well, but finally he gets through to them with a new plan that they all get behind. “There are brave men knocking at our door – let’s go kill them!” “Yawwwrrrrrr! “ Okay. This works.
In the holdfast, Lancel tries to get Cersei to see his way about letting Joffrey fight, but gets punched in the chest for his trouble. He makes an awful sound as he falls over a vase. Derp! Then Cersei and Tommen beat feet out of there leaving everyone else to their doom. Sansa attempts to take over and calm the women, but Shae tells her to leave too and to bar the door of her chamber in hopes that Stannis won’t kill her since she’s not a Lannister.
The Hound was waiting for Sansa and tells her that he’s going north, and asks if she wants to go home. Sansa knows that The Hound won’t hurt her, but refuses and decides to stay with the Lannisters.
Tyrion’s plan works and we know this because we see him take off the leg of one of Stannis’ men and then chop him to death! Yay! The troops are able to overtake the battering ram! “Halfman! Halfman!“ They cheer. And Tyrion is happy for about twenty-seconds until he sees a second brigade of Stannis’ men come running towards him. “Fuck me.” Indeed. More melee and it seems Stannis still has the upper hand. Tyrion is fighting and then suddenly his face is sliced open by — a gold cloak one of the Kingsguard? What? Why? Dear lord. Well, thank goodness for Poderick Payne, Tyrion’s squire. He kills the traitor.
Back in the throne room, Cersei is sitting with Tommen, and is telling him a story about all the woodland creatures that are against the Lannisters’ lion. A Stag, a wolf etc. etc. Even Tommen is like “Stags aren’t evil.” Uh-huh. Maybe you’re a Baratheon after all, Tommen. We see that Cersei has the nighshade and is prepared to give some to her youngest boy. And then symbolized by a fearless white horse, the tide of the battle has changed. Stannis is beaten back and must retreat. And now Tywin appears. He’s arrived at the last minute to prevail. Tyrion sinks to the ground with a large gash on his head, but it doesn’t look life-threatening, but we’re not totally sure. What we do know is that the Lannisters will live to fight another day.
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NOTE: You guys know my policy on book discussions, this is a book-free space for Game of Thrones. We’re just talking about the television series, so please try and avoid book spoilers. Thanks!
Here’s a more detailed infographic of the houses.
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The final episode of season two of the Game of Thrones airs Sunday night at 9pm on HBO.
Here’s a preview:
