Lindsay Lohan stalks a legend; AMC to become Good again soon; a new hunk joins the stable; NBC loses at nearly everything; ABC has a hard time finding a place for cougars; and a race war and vagina fight at CBS!
Every once in awhile you hear plans for a movie that just seems like the recipe for disaster. And by disaster we mean shot in the face with a flamethrower while wrapped in a head-to-toe Polyester strait jacket. This is the feeling we get reading that Lindsay Lohan is in talks to play Elizabeth Taylor in a Lifetime Lady-Loins network movie. The movie, Elizabeth & Richard: A Love Story, will chronicle the love affair between Taylor and her twice married to paramour Richard Burton. Last we heard or saw of Lindsay Lohan she was doing community service in a morgue and had just fixed a horrible dental issue, like serious rot mouth, or Kraken mouth, whatever. However, this is nothing compared to spending the good part of a decade in repeated rehab and jail stints, or committing petty thefts, or just all around cliché down-spiraled crap. She’s literally become some sort of former child star Boogey Man! If Boogey men crashed cars and were Godzilla-esque undulating coke monsters, shoving entire buildings up their noses, screeching mightily, and careening around Hollywood in a cloud of opiates and wasted talent. So, Lifetime, are we totally sure Lohan is ready to walk right into Taylor’s newly deceased shoes in a biopic where she’ll have to act and not be the fidgety, fuckity, weirdo mess she’s been since before a legion of mean girls discovered Facebook? We don’t have high hopes. [Deadline]
Apparently AMC doesn’t think there are enough mob hits happening in Mad Men. It is a kind of namby-pamby show about the war of the sexes and the meaning of life once the 1950’s have begun to fade like some sort of old tintype, right? So tame. Regardless, the 1960’s are where it’s at, Jack. However, you really don’t see many guns or people getting into old-school fisticuffs down in Hell’s Kitchen, or any other mob stereotype you can conjure from our collective brain-Rolodex full of mob clichés. So! AMC has decided to help you out. They’re bringing the second biggest mob movie of all time to television. Yes, Goodfellas will be coming to the prestige network, and just in case you thought this would be some NBC attempt at a procedural drama, oh, ho! Not at all. AMC is getting Nicholas Pileggi, the original writer of the novel the movie was based on, to co-write the TV adaptation. So, yeah, this will probably be some sort of amazing thing that will win a ton of awards and make HBO wish they never killed Jimmy off of Boardwalk Empire, because that was a hugely dumb decision and now since AMC has resurrected the spirit of Joe Pesci he’ll probably say your little show about Nucky Thompson will be the number two series about illegal activity in the Tri-state area. He will in fact be very amused. [Deadline]
This year is already set up to be the year of Jeremy Renner. This is just a fact. He’s fresh off a huge showing in Mission Impossible: Ghost of Tom Cruise Rises Despite That Wacky Religion Thing. He’s also set to star in this summer’s The Avengers, and this fall’s The Bourne Supremacy, so, uh, yawr. All you girls out there loving Ryan Gosling’s pectorals and fawning over his “Hey Girl” memes, get ready for a plate of Renner swoon brownies. This is already a done deal. There’s probably posters already in existence with him smirking with that “Baby, let’s get outta here” face. This is something Renner would say, yes? The fly in the ointment? He’s also starring in something called Hansel And Gretel: Witch Hunters…in 3D. Good gravy. What the hell? Really? Jeremy, seriously, buddy. The film, which also stars Famke Janssen and Peter Stromare, picks up the fairy tale 15 years after Hansel and Gretel’s evil encounter at the gingerbread house. They’ve become bounty hunters tracking and killing wicked witches. BOUNTY HUNTERS! Urgh. Is this going to be the new thing? You know, once we’ve decided to self-destruct if we see another vampire or zombie in a movie — bounty hunters are now the new “supernatural thing” of the moment? Yes, maybe. Anyway, this sounds like a horrible idea. Like a Sy-Fy channel idea, and you practically have to be completely bereft of ideas to go there. DINOCROC BOUNTY HUNTERS! See what I mean? [Deadline]
HA HA! We told you that no one would understand why NBC decided to produce a television series based on that old shoe of a movie The Firm. Whatever were they thinking? It’s not as if there are few legal dramas on television, or mysteries for that matter, or shows about good looking blondish, broody guys running around frantically! This is the DNA of most shows on television, NBC! The Firm got off to a lukewarm start up against like no competition. So basically some other network could have run Murder She Wrote and Matlock simultaneously and chances are someone would have opted for one of these medically-assisted dramas over watching whatever stupid thing NBC has decided to do with its money. [THR]
ABC has decided that your favorite show about drinking wine, and wincing at most everything Courtney Cox does, will probably be back sometime this Spring. More like in March after every other show in their arsenal has had the opportunity to fail or succeed. So basically Cougartown will be like those peas you didn’t want to eat as a kid. There they are getting cold by the edge of your plate, but right before you’re able to stuff the whole lot in your napkin and take a victory lap to the trash bin, mom sees, and will make you eat them all at the last minute. So, yes, Cougartown is like nearly discarded peas. Fun! [Deadline]
CBS is currently mired in sitcom-a-topia right now. People keep asking when that neverending show about some dude’s mom will finally end. And to that CBS says, “When We Goddamn Feel Like Ending It!” Seriously. That show about some schlub finding his wife will continue until the end of time! We’re already at seven seasons and CBS is certain there will be an eighth! Apparently this means at least another season of “Hey, kids, your mom and I met this one night at this place while we did this thing forever, and ever! By the time I finally tell you who your mom is you won’t care because, duh, you already know your mom, so there’s no reason why this show should still be on air!” Right? Right. In addition, the network is still trying to figure out how to make Two and a Half Men continue to happen, even if they can’t get Ashton Kutcher back, because whoever that one guy is who finds this show funny will be very disappointed if they don’t find a way to continue that laugh track tsunami. Finally, The Critics Association gave 2 Broke Girls producer Michael Patrick King a hard time about his little show about hipster-hating due to the racial stereotypes the show uses as its weekly fodder, to which King said, “Nuh-uh! I’m gay so that means it’s physically impossible for me to say anything racist!” And the world immediately produced a YouTube video called “Shit Racist People Say” in response. During the same panel there was also some sort of vagina-fight or accusation, or vagina conspiracy because 2 Broke Girls likes to say “Vaginas! We’ve Got ‘Em!” and apparently there should be no “vaginas” in the 8:30 time slot. SUCKS IF YOU HAVE A VAGINA! [Deadline ]
