After just over a year of marriage, the Muppet team of Brand Perry has called it quits. Elmo, Brand’s romantic rival, is probably somewhere celebrating with a margarita made from a hand sock.
No one saw this coming. Nope, no one at all. Were we slightly baffled by their coupling, no? Well, not really. She’s kind of a goofy doodad, and he’s a silly drumwoggle, so really we just thought they spent a lot of time making pasta, and shouting at each other in fake British accents. Now we find out that didn’t really happen. What in fact probably happened was some version of incompatibility, and/or a shocking realization of who the other person really is when put through the tests of marriage. Not that they’re bad people. No, certainly not. Well, okay, let’s be clear. We’d like to never see Arthur again, or hear the other one smash her mouth-music around anything about fireworks or teen dreams, but essentially these kids were harmless, if not a bit predictable. Yes, yes, he’s going to have weird hair, tight pants, and she’ll shake her ample assets while singing on a cream puff cloud of marshmallow goats. This is what they do, right?
Well, maybe things took a dark turn, and somebody’s booky wook wanted married life to be deeper and more robust. After all, Brand is the one who filed for divorce which seems odd, because of the two we were almost sure no one could continue to live with his errant face stubble forever, but we’re willing to go along with the theory Katy Perry exploded into glitter whenever they fought, and have you ever tried to get glitter off your skin? Crazy. So, basically despite Brand’s fervent denials earlier this month on Ellen, he is in fact a unicorn, but he is not in fact happily married. No, he’s not really a unicorn. He’s a British humanoid alien who travels through time in a blue police box. HA! Prove he’s not!
