You’re watching a movie, or a trailer, or a movie promo (New Year’s Eve, sheesh.) and someone appears on screen and you do it. It’s not loud or anything, but still you do it – you groan. It isn’t always because the actor is so pathetically horrible, and maybe once upon a time they had a real “it” factor, but now, yes now, they have an uncanny way of being the most annoying thing dancing across your screen at this particular moment. Is it the character? Perhaps. Or maybe it’s who they are. Oh, don’t say that. You don’t know these people. They’re actors. Just who do you think you are, some sort of judge? You’re not. But, well, you kind of are.
Let’s take a look at a few stars who’d we’d like to like.
Recently, the latest onscreen adaptation of Snow White, called Mirror Mirror because I’d Like Snow White’s Heart in a Box was taken, revealed its trailer, and let’s just say the critical response was underwhelming. Julia Roberts plays the evil queen, complete with large scale wardrobe, snide commentary, and all around devilishness. However, critics feel Roberts’ portrayal is more than a bit tone deaf, almost as though she didn’t take the project seriously enough.
“It’s hard seeing America’s Sweetheart attempt to play evil while still giving audiences her ‘Richard Gere just slammed a necklace case shut on my fingers’ Pretty Woman laugh instead of evil cackles,” said Julie Miller at MovieLine.
Somehow Julia’s not doing that thing she once was able to do, like charm us, and convey an earnest, heartfelt personality. This and other problems have threatened some of the highest paid actresses in the business today, many of whom have launched bad movie after bad movie, but more to the point — their unlikableness seems to be a bit of a trend. We don’t want that. No one wants an unlikable trend. That’s a bummer, especially when there’s probably something that can be done to change it all around.
Here are a few actresses that are walking the line, and some recommendations on how to break the habit before it’s too late.
Jennifer Aniston
What We Don’t Like: We can’t tell if she’s talented or lucky, or runs over the feet of directors and producers with her car and ends up in movies inexplicably. It’s an enigma. She hasn’t had a critically acclaimed film since 2002’s The Good Girl, yet she’s been in every movie ever made in the last decade. The list of films, the variety of characters, the span of genre is an odd mix of rom-coms, geek comedy, ill-advised thrillers, and other miscellaneous odds and ends. Is she the hardest working mediocre actress in Hollywood? Perhaps. Is it genius or insanity? Maybe genius.
Did We Ever Love Her: Well, we thought when she stripped down her performance as the drab, Justine Last in The Good Girl, that would be the turning point for Aniston moving her away from television and cult classics like Office Space into a career of movies filled with emotional dramas and bared soul depictions.
When Did We Stop: Everything since The Good Girl has been a disappointment, and it appears Aniston has cultivated a genre all her own, one that depends on the appeal of whatever comedic male lead she co-stars with. From Sandler, Stiller, Vaughn, and now Sedekis and Bateman — if you’re currently the schlubby comedian du jour, Aniston wants to make a movie with you.
Net Worth: $150 Million
How to Win Us Back: We don’t think Aniston is striving to be Angelina Jolie. It’s possible that she’s just comfortable raking in her millions as a character actor. Is it the most lofty of goals? No. However, we can always hope one day she’ll want a real challenge and maybe take on Jolie in some sort of kickass ladies-in-prison movie. Heh.
Jennifer Lopez
What We Don’t Like: She’s a definitive triple threat, this goes without saying, but there is something about J.LO that doesn’t quite ring true or seem altogether real. She’s a diva, sure, but along with that, there’s a cardboard, manufactured thing about her that makes taking her seriously a little difficult. The talent is undeniable, but the machine that is Jennifer Lopez always seems to walk ten feet in front of her, resulting in rumors about body doubles, fake appearances and other distractions.
Did We Ever Love Her: Like Julia Roberts, her name was synonymous with strong willed, female driven movies. The early 2000’s was the era of J.LO. She had number one movies and music records at the same time. She also had the ability to relate across color lines and gender barriers in both music and movies.
When Did We Stop: Her romantic kafuffles have proved to be much fodder for the tabloids and have impacted her professional life. At the height of her acting career, Lopez took time off for music, marriage and family. The second of which ended in divorce. After a long hiatus, she returned on the scene with an American Idol hosting gig, and a new movie, The Break Up Plan, which was Lopez’s most recent flop to date.
Net Worth: $150 Million
How to Win Us Back: We know Lopez is a mega-star, but we can become a bit oversaturated with the superstar thing. At some point we want to be reminded of your ability, and not just told ad nauseum that you are in fact a supreme talent. Prove it in your acting and taking on mature roles.
Julia Roberts
What We Don’t Like: Oh, man, it’s the smugness. Sorry, but it’s true. There’s just something about Roberts that exudes an “I have so many other things I’d rather be doing than giving this interview, attending this premiere, or discussing this movie with you. Also, I’ll beat your ass if you photograph me…ever, ever, EVER! Do you hear me?!” Yeah, it’s pretty much that.
Did We Ever Love Her: Of course we did. She’s Viv. And if you don’t know who “Viv” is then obviously you’ve lived in the underside of a thimble your entire life. The 1990’s was the era of Julia, Pretty Woman, Sleeping With the Enemy, The Pelican Brief, Steel Magnolias…good gravy the woman invented this genre. You, thimble person, yes you, you’re banished from my sight.
When Did We Stop: Probably somewhere around Oceans Twelve when someone thought that Julia Roberts was such a big star that Tess, played by Roberts, should act as though she was Julia Roberts to help con-men George Clooney and Brad Pitt. Um-hm. I’m thinking that was more navel-grazing than we could handle.
Net Worth: $140 Million
How to Win Us Back: Well, it certainly isn’t theater. She was abysmal at that. She should probably not take on roles that continue to proliferate this smug caricature she’s been wearing lately i.e. Mirror, Mirror. We don’t need her soft, per se – just not a jerk.
Drew Barrymore
What We Don’t Like: Well, she’s just so twee. Not twee in the Zooey Deschanel way, since Barrymore probably invented the term, but it’s more of a sickening sweetness? A blonde toothache? Yes, this is Barrymore. It’s the wide-eyed, “Oh, pooh!” thing she does that makes you want to twinkle-kill her. This isn’t a good reason, but mostly this is what we’ve got. The lisp-y, hippie, nymph thing just annoys us all to hell.
Did We Ever Love Her: Campy, erratic Drew was at the top of her game. Basically she’s pretty good when she embraces her inner oddball quirk with a tragic edge, see her Golden Globe winning performance in Grey Gardens. Aside from that, she’s also cute when she’s doing that little love monkey thing with Justin Long, but then who doesn’t love Justin Long?
When Did We Stop: Adam Sandler. 50 First Dates. After that row boat to crazy, she had a string of flops. It was literally like Sandler put the whammy on her. There’s really not a whole lot you can do with a Sandler whammy.
Net Worth: $125 Million
How to Win Us Back: More drama, or wider-scoped performances. She should leave the wide-eyed thing behind her. She’s over 35, time for grown up movies. Precious Gertie (E.T.) needs to move out of the basement.
Cameron Diaz
What We Don’t Like: She just tries so very hard, but often leaves us unmoved and nonplussed. Is she funny? No. Is she quirky? By her own accounts, yes. Is she emotional? Nah. She’s like a pretty bit of embroidery on a sofa pillow, something to make you say, “Hmm, that’s nice.” as you smooth it over and lower your body onto it. Yet, in movies there she is dancing in her underwear, making googly eyes at Jude Law, or pursing her lips while oddly mugging for the camera. We’d like to find this interesting, but we haven’t since the late 1990’s.
Did We Ever Love Her: Yes. She was effervescent and bubbly, just right for There’s Something About Mary. She was also capable of playing someone delicate as the acknowledged ditz with a heart of gold as she did in In Her Shoes, or the crazy vamp like her role in Vanilla Sky, but it’s not coming as easy. We see the strain.
When Did We Stop: What Happens in Vegas co-starring Ashton Kutchound was probably a very low point. By then we’d stop finding all the flirty, booty shaking, and best gal-pal in the world shtick endearing. The main stars had no chemistry, they were both outrageously annoying, and sheesh, this thing could have co-starred Kevin James and it couldn’t have been any worse.
Net Worth: $100 Million
How to Win Us Back: Not sure. This ship may have sailed. We can’t see her in many dramatic roles, nor can she endlessly continue this spoofy comedy thing she’s doing. Perhaps a smartly written television series? Yes, maybe that.
Kristen Stewart
What We Don’t Like: Bella: Pause, pause, stutter, shrug, shrug, uncomfortable grimace, furtive glance, FURTIVE GLANCE, long sigh, shudder, claw at hoodie, bite lip, wring hands, blink, blink, blink!
Did We Ever Love Her: Twilight has completely consumed her, so it’s hard to say.
When Did We Stop: From the Twilight opening credits when Bella began having near constant “I have to puke” face.
Net Worth: $55 Million
How to Win Us Back: She probably has potential, that is if the whole face palsy thing she has going was just for one character and not the beginning and end to her acting talent. She’s dark, she’s edgy, she’s a bit of an emo, angst factory. Could we have imagined her in the upcoming Girl With the Dragon Tattoo? Yes, maybe.
Gwyneth Paltrow
What We Don’t Like: She pretty much gooped up her adoring fan base by taking to the interwebz and becoming a bit of a Hollywood cliche’ by flaunting her money and access to things only the rich and famous can attain all while criticizing a hectic schedule of looking at scripts and taking meetings with Hollywood producers. Your Life Is So Much Like Mine, Gwyneth. Valid? Maybe. Maybe not. Annoying? Yeah, unfortunately.
Did We Ever Love Her: Sure we did. She was fresh and charming during the early aughts when she wore that pink monstrosity during her Oscar win, and also while she dated Ben Affleck and they went bounce-a-bouncing along in a movie. She winningly seemed so self-aware and cautious.
When Did We Stop: Pretty much when she started using the metric system, named her apple cheeked moppets after, well, apples, and started saying things like, “Bollocks!”
Net Worth: $48 Million
How to Win Us Back: Putting more energy in her acting career and less time spent making shrimp tacos for the masses on her own internet channel. This could do it. Sometimes too much access to a celebrity is a bad thing. Aloof mystery can be a blessing in disguise. This would probably serve Gwyneth well.
Kate Hudson
What We Don’t Like: We’re going to go with the smug factor again for this one. Lately, there’s just been a bit of an “Over it!” sentiment with Kate. It doesn’t help that she’s become more well known for her off screen romantic conquests than her onscreen movie roles. She’s fallen into a rom-com well, a spiral that will take her down a Katherine Heigl drain if she’s not careful. It can’t be a good thing for anyone to hold up your best rom-com in 2003 against your worst one in 2011 and compare.
Did We Ever Love Her: Well, goodness, yes. After Almost Famous her star was on the rise. She was the perfect mix of her mother’s zeal and her step dad’s charm. We looked forward to the rumored Private Benjamin reboot that never happened, and she and Matthew McConaughey had chemistry and smart banter that proved she had some verve. We thought that sharp tongue and glowing appeal was going to take her far.
When Did We Stop: Oh, honey, Bride Wars. She showed an unattractive shrewish, screechy side and frankly it scared us. The bubble was already bursting a bit with You, Me and Dupree (What was this? Owen Wilson as some sort of surfer hobo? I dunno.) and Fool’s Gold a Hudson/McConaughey flop, but Bride Wars…yawr, that was like nails on a chalkboard bad. If the chalkboard was our skull and the nails a chainsaw.
Net Worth: $38 Million
How to Win Us Back: Find your indie roots. Locate some introspective, deeper well within. Don’t be afraid to 1) get ugly 2) get maudlin 3) get crazy. We’re thinking Kate could make a convincing meth addict in some gritty drama.
Katherine Heigl
What We Don’t Like: On the record? She withdrew her name from Emmy consideration after claiming that the Grey’s Anatomy writers didn’t give her anything “decent” to work with while also criticizing her breakout role in Judd Apatow’s Knocked Up as being “A little sexist. It paints the women as shrews, as humorless and uptight, and it paints the men as lovable, goofy, fun-loving guys. I had a hard time with it, on some days. I’m playing such a bitch.” Yikes. In addition to that, she starred in a litany of unremarkable rom-coms post Knocked Up where she’s played, yup, anything from a shrill, mawkish caricature, think The Ugly Truth, co-starring Gerard Butler, to a banal cliché running in heels and screaming incessantly, think The Killers, co-starring Ashton Kutcher, go figure.
Did We Ever Love Her: This is debatable. There was probably a brief time during the inaugural season of Grey’s Anatomy when the world kind of loved all the McDreamy, McSteamy loin dudes and the ladies who sexed them up in the hospital cafeteria after dark. That is what happened on that show, right? Anyway, we’re over it now.
When Did We Stop: 27 Dresses is probably the turning point. This is perhaps when Heigl fans and haters were split right down the middle. That and the list of flops she’s starred in sort of belie her earlier comments about the roles she’s chosen.
Net Worth: $25 Million
How to Win Us Back: Don’t do another rom-com for at least two years. Shock us with a formidable drama. Let us see if you have any real acting chops.
Megan Fox
What We Don’t Like: This is too easy. She said some stuff about Transformers and Michael Bay and some other…whatever. SHE SAID SHE WAS TOO GOOD TO BE WONDER WOMAN! That is all.
Did We Ever Love Her: No.
When Did We Stop: This is an inaccurate measurement of time.
Net Worth: $15 Million
How to Win Us Back: Come back in a few years without all the pouty crazy and we’ll see.
Anne Hathaway
What We Don’t Like: If some of the others on this list could smug their way out of a paper bag, Hathaway could over-achieve her way out. She just seems so teacher’s pet, right? You just get the impression that if you were smoking in the girl’s bathroom, and Mrs. Abernathy asked you to stay after class to discuss it, Anne would be there in her plaid skirt and white tights smiling at you while it happened. She’s the perpetual Blair Warner to your ‘Jo’ Polniaczek, right? Right.
Did We Ever Love Her: Yes, squaring off against La Streep, she was chic, and fiery, and we related to her struggle as a mousy girl who becomes a glamorous fox, while working for the premiere fashion magazine in existence. Okay. No, we can’t relate to that, but we thought she was cute, and that goes a long way, unless you’re Reese Witherspoon, whom we’re not ready to call annoying yet, but one more dud rom-com and you could make it, Reese.
When Did We Stop: We looked up and realized that Anne was starting to take herself very seriously. She co-hosted the Oscars to horrible reviews! She adopted a fake British accent in a movie no one saw, One Day! She became Cat Woman! [We fear she’s horribly miscast as Cat Woman.]
Net Worth: $15 Million (Or $58 Million. Depends on who you ask.)
How to Win Us Back: Yep, Hugh Jackman. They were a good little singing team during one of those Oscar telecasts, and she’s proved that she can be charming when she sings show tunes, so we’re interested to see what she’ll do opposite Jackman in the Les Misérables reboot.
Anna Paquin
What We Don’t Like: SOOKEH! SOOKEH! SOOKEH! Yes, I know she doesn’t actually call herself Sookie, Sookie, Sookie, but it’s all sushied in there like a goofy California roll. Something about her scrunched face, obvious confusion, and irritating, non-authentic Southern drawl. She’s someone who in her actual life could be quite lovely, but her character is just so mind-bendingly annoying down to her little summer dresses and her bopping ponytail.
Did We Ever Love Her: It’s possible. She is an Oscar winner. But honestly, this whole Sookie thing overshadows anything else she’s been able to do in the last decade or so.
When Did We Stop: The last season of True Blood. Aside from the hunky guys on the show, Paquin’s character is just a dud. Part fairy, part waitress, part vampire chum…yawr, whatever. Her character isn’t growing and she’s becoming too synonymous with the part.
Net Worth: $12 Million
How to Win Us Back: Step away from True Blood and find another role with some meat on it. She probably has the depth for a feature-length thriller or even a dark comedy. She should give it a try.
See! We pretty much think being unlikable isn’t fatal, but you first have to recognize what many of us are thinking when you do that thing you do onscreen to our collective “yikes.” Yes, we know $150 million is a good source of comfort in contrast to our paltry woes about your talent and the propensity for big screen flops, but there’s always something to be said for proving us wrong. Give it a shot, eh?
In the next installment we’ll tackle the boys.
