My good internet friend sent me a link to this story and, like all news stories on the internet, I briefly scanned it, barely digested what it was about, and started making jokes about it in my head.
The story seems to be about a study that has found there’s a correlation between taking multivitamins, feeling a sense of invulnerability, and doing risky and/or stupid things.
Because I have a terrible attention span (thanks internet) and poor reading comprehension (thanks California public schools), here’s my reaction to the story. A list of all of the things I think you should do if you take multivitamins.*
- Jump off the roof. You can totally fly. I promise.
- Eat that brownie. No, not that one. The one with the frosting. Yup. That’s the one.
- Get the nice hoppy IPA.
- Everyone knows it’s the third cup of coffee that does the trick.
- Screw sleep, you need to watch EVERY SINGLE EPISODE OF THE GUILD RIGHT NOW.
- Do you want to wake up early and jog? Or do you want to stay in bed and cuddle with your dog/cat/lover?
- Make that mac & cheese with 5 different kinds of cheeses. Trust me, it’s soo much better.
- If you’re going to have a glass of red wine after dinner, you might as well just finish the bottle.
- I’m sorry, two pieces of bacon? What are you? A monster? Vegan? The serving size is just a suggestion. And it’s a bad one.
- Waiting until the third date to have sex is so old-fashioned. You’re taking multivitamins! You’re like a slutty goddess! Have sex before the first date!
*Please do not do these things. Unless you really, really want to.
(Sorry vegans.)
