I’d like to start out this episode with a prayer. A prayer to The Gracious Gods of Television. *Ahem* Dear Gods, please let this episode include a boatload of zombies. Like a lot of zombies. More than last week and the week before combined. Also, benevolent Gods of the Boob Tube, please resolve the Sophia storyline quickly and, hopefully, painfully. Let a zombie rip that little girl to shreds in the most gruesome, horrible way possible because we, as mere viewers, don’t care one whit about her character. Ah-freaking-men.
Okay. So we start out with a nice view of the farm. There are cows, fences, wood to chop, and everyone is pitching in with chores. Then, they see the RV, a sensible four door vehicle, and Racist Redneck’s motorcycle.
Carl wakes up and the first thing he asks for is Sophia. Lori lies and tells him she’s fine while I shout at the television, “Nobody cares, Carl! Nobody cares about you or Sophia.”
Everyone comes out to greet the newcomers. Remember last week when Maggie gave Shane Otis’s old clothes? Well now he’s wearing them, and he looks like a country bumpkin. There’s a funeral for Otis. They all stand around a pile of rocks and look sad. Hershel asks Shane to speak for Otis since he was with him last. Otis’s wife and/or Mother begged Shane to share Otis’s final moments with them. So Shane lies. He says Otis was a hero, sacrificing himself to save Carl. Shane has a very Of Mice and Men quality to him right now, I’m just not sure if he’s George or Lennie.
The survivors consult a map of Hershel’s property to decide where to search for that damned kid. Hershel lets them in on the rules of his farm: no firearms. Rick says that he will respect that and has everyone turn over their weapons in the middle of a Zombie Apocalypse.
Maggie decides to make a run into town for more medicine and bandages and maybe something pretty to wear to the ice-cream social later. Rick suggests taking Glenn along since he is their “go to town expert.” When Maggie suggests the pharmacy run to Glenn, he is so smitten that he can hardly speak. Glenn, stop staring at the pretty girl. The last thing you want to be is even creepier than a zombie.
Blondie, who just got a gun, like, yesterday, is pissed that she has to turn over the gun she doesn’t even know how to shoot. So Shane gives her a gun lesson with some weapons that they apparently did not turn over. Lesson 1: unloading. Lesson 2: taking the gun apart so it doesn’t work. Lesson 3: making goo goo eyes at each other. Yup. I see a romantical moment in their future.
The survivors are spread out on the lawn in tents which are not very zombie-proof. Rick wants everyone to set up camp in the barn, but Hershel puts the kibosh on that idea. He tells Rick that once they find that girl and Carl is fit to travel, they need to skeedaddle. Hershel doesn’t take in long-term guests.
We see Glenn spying on Maggie through binoculars which is one part sweet and two parts creepy. Then Lori shows up and asks for a personal, discreet item from the pharmacy. The writing and acting is so bad that we automatically know it’s a pregnancy test.
Next we find Black Guy and Old Guy doing chores around the surprisingly zombie-free farm. Old Guy and Black Guy have faith that they’ll find that stupid kid. Then Old Guy finds an opening in the ground and hears groans coming out of it. They look down and it’s a well with a zombie in it. Yay, zombie! This one’s marinating in water, which when combined with some onions, parsnip and carrots will make a very nice Zombie Soup. Everyone gathers ’round the well to discuss how to dispose of the rotting corpse. It is decided that they need to take it out “alive” in order to avoid contaminating the water. I don’t really know about this. Last I checked, when there’s an undead guy thrashing around in your well, the water is pretty much contaminated forever.
The group comes up with a brilliant idea: use live bait to fish the zombie out of the well. Are you freaking kidding me? They decide to DROP GLENN DOWN INTO A WELL WITH A BLOATED, ROTTING ZOMBIE!?! I count SEVEN of our crew at the well, and not one of them, INCLUDING GLENN, thinks that this is a really and truly horrible idea. Oh they can just die of zombie chomps for all I care because these are by far the stupidest dum-dums on the entire television, and that includes The Real Housewives of Everywhere. To make matters worse, I couldn’t find a single picture of the bloated rotting corpse. So instead, I gave you a picture of a kitten.
So Glenn’s dangling from a rope that is attached to a rickety post in the ground with what looks like a Garbage Pail Kid right below him. There’s a close-up of the post so we know it’s going to snap. Oh surprise, the post doesn’t hold and Glenn is kicking and thrashing at Chomping Charlie and for some reason twelve people have trouble hauling one scrawny man-child out of the well. Shane takes over the pulley and yanks Glenn up in one heave-ho. Glenn is freaked out, but ha! He succeeded in roping the monster. So now they just have to haul him up.
With much less effort than it took to haul Glenn out of the well, they pull the disgusting zombie blob up and over. But just as they give one last yank of the rope, they rip his body in half. Worms, maggots, and yesterday’s lunch spill out, and the bottom half of the zombie (also known as “the good half”) falls back down the well. Black Guy kills the top half in with a smash thing. They then decide to seal off the well.
Meanwhile, back at The Search Party For The Most Annoying Child In The History Of Television, Hershel is giving Rick advice. He gets a little preachy, and Rick reminds him that God is in short demand on Planet Zombie. Then Hershel reminds Rick of all the coinkidink in Rick’s life, from surviving the gunshot to finding his family to Carl surviving. Blerg. So all of the things that we hate about television and tired plot lines Hershel attributes to God. Good to know.
Well, it looks like Racist Redneck is a Search Party of One. He finds a house and wanders around inside. Because there’s food freshly eaten and a small bed in a cupboard, he decides that Sophia was there. Then he goes outside and sees a flower and I want to punch the television in the thorax because flowers are not zombies!
Shane and Blondie and Poor Man’s Jamie Lee Curtis head back to the highway where we see a sign on a car that reads, “Sophia Stay Here We Will Come Every Day.” There’s also snacks on the hood of the car. Ooh, are those Fig Newtons? Unfortunately they don’t find the girl, and the sign indicates that they will continue to look for her day after day after day. On the way back to the farm, Shane and Blondie have another gun lesson. Shane says you need to use your instinct. He says you need to turn off the switch, the one that makes you scared or angry or sympathetic. You don’t think, you act. He seems a little cray-cray over the Otis thing. Strange how the zombies didn’t get to him but killing one guy who he hardly knew tears him to pieces.
Over at the RomCom, Glenn and Maggie go on a bucolic horseback ride through the countryside. They reach the pharmacy which looks like it’s been pretty well cleared out. For some reason they have a shopping list. Glenn look around for The Special Thing That Lori Needs To See if Shane Made A BehBeh In Her Belly. Maggie catches Glenn with a handful of condoms and they have a weird moment. It’s definitely awkward, so Maggie makes it even more awkward by blurting out “I’ll have sex with you.” He asks why. Glenn! She’s the last person on earth, do not screw this up! She explains that their options are pretty thin and starts to undress him, hat first. Oh good. So Spirit Fingers gets to write about zombies, and I get to write about desperate pharmacy sex. Okay, fine. Here’s the play-by-play: Maggie takes off her top and then bra, at which point we are treated to a little side boob. Then Glenn removes his shirt and they begin making out and DAMN YOU, COMMERCIAL BREAK!
Back at the farm, Rick wants Hershel to reconsider asking them to leave. He thinks Hershel doesn’t know how bad it really is out there. He says he’s asking for his boy, and makes him feel guilty for what Otis did to Carl. Hershel talks about an abusive father, blah blah blah. Where are the zombies, Hershel? Oh they’re not on your farm? Then shut up. We don’t care about your father. We. Want. Zombies. Ultimately Hershel agrees to consider Rick’s request.
Maggie and Glenn have a post-coital horseback ride to the farm. Glenn is all shmoopy, but Maggie tells him that it was a one-time thing. When they arrive, Lori approaches Glenn for the goods, and Glenn looks like he’s about to cry over Maggie.
Racist Redneck goes back to the camper where Poor Man’s Jamie Lee Curtis is sewing something for Sophia. He brings her a flower. A Cherokee Rose. The story is that when American Soldiers were moving SHUT UP YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE! Where are the zombies? Yeah, yeah Racist Redneck. You’re the hooker with the heart of gold. We get it. Now can we please move on?
Inside the house, Carl wakes up. Rick tries to tell him that Sophia WHO WE HATE is missing, but Carl explains that his mother already broke the bad news to him. Carl is amused that both he and Rick have been shot. To celebrate, Rick gives Carl his sheriff hat. You know what’s annoying to wear in bed? A hat with a big ol’ brim. I know this because every time I try to wear my sheriff hat to bed, it’s uncomfortable.
In the next room over, Rick starts undressing as Lori watches him from the doorway, probably as disappointed as we are that Rick doesn’t look more like Shane. Rick placed his sheriff badges in a dresser drawer to signify that he is leaving his old life behind. Or something. Later on, Lori goes out into the woods to pee on a stick and confirms that yup, preggo.
So let’s take a look back at this episode and tally up the zombies. One. One zombie.
And now let’s look at scenes from next week which I don’t get to recap and tally up those zombies: ALL THE ZOMBIES! Damn you, Spirit Fingers.
