This is absolutely shocking. No. This is just what you expected when the trailer for Jack & Jill first murdered your eyeballs. You anticipated that Adam Sandler’s new movie in which he plays a dual role — the other noxious character — Sandler with lady-boobs and a wig stolen from Benny Hill’s closet circa 1978 — would suck butt.
But someone actually has to track these things, so let’s find out just how bad it actually is.
Moviefone has been tracking the developments happening over at Rotten Tomatoes.com, and hilariously, it looked like Jack & Jill would earn the ever rare 0% movie rating from the foremost movie reviewers working today — and some we’ve never heard of before. We’ll get to more on that later. Somehow though the laugher eked out a 2% rating. That’s very nearly the maximum for “Spirit Fingers’ “Trashcan Set On Fire” Movie Award! The live show is broadcast from a dumpster in a Wendy’s parking lot in Trenton. Oh, Sandler, so close!
Seriously, this is a good thing, because really, what do you have to do to rate 0%? I would think it involves shooting things out your anus while Yakkity Sax plays in the background. Or perhaps you’d earn the illustrious 0% if you burped the alphabet while arm-wrestling a monkey. Yes, these are probably the only two instances where a 0% rating could happen. HOWEVER! I’m wrong.
Two 0% ratings were already doled out this year. One for that movie about the grown man with the dental problem, the Amish haircut, a lisp, and a penchant for porn called Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star, a Happy Madison production. Coincidence? The other awardee starred a scrappy, winking, word-mashing ex-governor, ex-vice presidential nominee, ex-reality star, ex-presidential candidate shill, ex-bus tour participant named Sarah Palin. Her strangely directed, and oddly dramatized documentary The Undefeated is also on the list of zero percenters. You betcha!
So a 2% rating — that’s probably enough to never make a movie again — but at least it left all those other guys in the dust! The dust off Al Pacino’s Oscar. That’s right, didn’t you know he’s in this movie, inexplicably? Perhaps he fell in a well and forgot what an Adam Sandler is. This is possible. Katie Holmes also rattles her bones around this thing. Probably the set was aluminum foil lined, you know, to keep out Xenu traitors. This is preferable. How could this have failed?
According to stupendous reviewer MediaMikes, Michael A. Smith, it didn’t. He’s responsible for the ratings bump over at RT. He says:
The premise gets annoying after awhile, but that is when Pacino shows up to make things interesting. He gets great laughs spoofing his serious side while on stage and, when his Oscar is accidentally damaged, zings the Academy Awards.
What?
That’s all it takes to get a “Fresh” vote out of you, Mike? Zing the Academy Awards? Okay. Ricky Gervais, come pick up your Oscar, it’s down Al Pacino’s pants.
Thanks, Mike, but I’d rather trust these guys, just like Moviefone seems to.
More than 24 hours has passed since I watched the new Adam Sandler movie, and I’m still dead inside,” wrote Time Magazine’s Mary Pols.
And
Comedy moved on from the mid-1990s, and it’s time Sandler did, too. “Jack and Jill” even gives fart jokes a bad name,” says Jake Coyle of the Associated Press
Are you good? Yeah, I’m good.
If this thing somehow gets 80% before the end of the day, I’ll let you know and update this post. But really, I’d expect a meteor to fall on Adam Sandler or ME before that happens.
