We’re all friends here, right? Okay, well, I have a problem. I’m a gadget addict. I really don’t know what comes over me. I just have to face facts. I have a certain love of complete, utter, crap.

I blame my father for this. Can loving crap be hereditary? Yes, yes, I think it can. After all, I would not be this way had my father not purchased so many things that eventually ended up broken and pushed into the back of our overstuffed garage in equal parts reverence and shame. However that was after the big unveil, yes, the big, “Hey, look, I bought this electric coin sorter/alarm clock! This will make life so much easier!”

But then it’s not all his fault either. Those commercials and magazines (Hey, F.U. Sky Mall!) for the gadget obsessed are so damn compelling. Does anyone need an electric shoe shiner and can opener? Of course not! No one needs anything like this ever, BUT some schmoe thought to make it, got a patent for it, and is currently selling it, so yeah, maybe I should check this out! Christ.

Now, I wouldn’t have admitted my addiction to you good people out there. Normally I have it under control. I just avoid certain things on the Internet like this or FOR THE LOVE OF GOD this one that showcases what things people have found and made. There’s a dog in a Star Wars AT-AT Costume for Zeus’ sake. Here, let me show you! DO WANT!

In addition to the Internet I stay away from the catalogs my parents seem to always have lying around full of contestable shite that no one should ever own. It has stuff like fanny packs that also serve as hats, and shower curtains with pockets! Good gracious do you know what my house would look like if I had nothing but curtains with pockets and hangers that can fit fifteen shirts on one contraption (I HAVE THIS!) and the thing that allows you to fit twelve pairs of shoes under your bed (I HAVE THIS TOO!)? Um, uh, yeah, that would be crazy. Yes, uh, crazy. Heh, yeah. These are things you can’t tell anyone.

I’ve attempted to ban myself from The Sharper Image (the store and online) and Brookstone. The latter is much harder. Sigh. That fooking store is in all the malls! Two weeks ago I broke down and bought two Body Beans! Do you even know what this is? It’s a hot water bottle and a heating pad all in one! And, and, it just feels divine! Like having a warm cat curled around you! Why two, you ask? Because what if hubby needed to use one, and I really, really needed one at the same time? I just, I just couldn’t have that. And this is what I’m talking about. Brookstone is the devil. How do I know? It frequently has me in its retail crap-goblin jaws. I’m powerless. It’s like it knows my brain. It says, “Hey, that lady really needs a fancy mat to stand on while she makes sandwiches in her kitchen. And we’re the perfect bacon component!” What? Yup. I’m eyeing this Anti Fatigue Floor Mat right now. It’s $119.00. Do I have $119.00 for some sort of awesome tempur pedic floor mat just for your feet? No! Will I probably own it before year’s end. Yes, absolutely!

But folks, my friends, you have to help me, because I’ve even started looking at the crack cocaine underworld of gadgets. Yes, this could be rock bottom, or IT COULD MAKE ME OVERDOSE! And I don’t even know what a gadget overdose would look like. Will you find me unconscious surrounded by silicone oven mitts and pet hair shavers? Maybe! You don’t understand how serious the crack cocaine of the gadget world is, but here it is…it’s the As Seen on TV website. FOR SHAME!

I could try and avoid this thing while surfing the internet, but even worse they put these items on the end caps in my pharmacy now. What will I do? I’m so ashamed. I can actually look at some of this stuff and think about it seriously. Yes, the Swivel Store to organize my cabinets, the Furniture Fix for my parents’ awful pull out sofa, and there’s something called the Leaf Taco! I have no idea…except it could come in handy!

Let’s be clear, though. I draw the line at things like The Forever Lazy, that thing is a goddamned terror plot. But, and I find this hard to admit…I contemplated Pajama Jeans for way too long last night in the Walgreens. My thoughts? “Well, what if they really are awesome!”

I’ve confessed too much. Is there a rehab for this sort of thing?

Save yourselves! What the hell is this Sky Mall?!

The end of the freaking world. Shut it, everyone, and never tempt me. Pffttt! Don’t you dare post things I would like in the comments!