One thing that fascinates me about the natural birth movement is that issue that must not be spoken of. I know that you know what I’m talking about because it’s the very first thing you think of when you or your partner considers giving birth.
I’m talking about the sex. Not the sex that got you there but any potential sex you might have afterwards. I don’t care how neat you are in other aspects of your life; childbirth will be a bloody, gooey, slimy mess. It can disorient lots of people, even those who are comfortable with most biological functions.
Here’s the heart of the issue: The birth parts and the sexy parts are the same parts but they are being used in a very different way. Things get swollen. They can rip. There are odors and slimy residue. And, of course, there is a little nugget of information no one tells you until you are expecting a child: People poop on the birth table all the time.
I have only heard two or three people discuss this issue openly. It’s become the height of bad form for men to voice any issues they have about watching a birth. Fifty years ago, no one discussed what happened in the birth room at all. These days, the pendulum has swung completely in the other direction. Men are expected to watch and they are not supposed to have any issues whatsoever with the process.
It could lead to some confusion and discomfort for sexual partners down the road if the man watches the woman give birth, couldn’t it? Of course it could. Biological functions aren’t always sexy and seeing your wife splayed a chicken awaiting Stove-Top dressing might not be the sexiest vision of your marriage. I saw a guy I liked in high school picking his nose. After that, his mystique was gone along with any interest I had in kissing him. This is small potatoes compared to child birth.
How do you deal with this during the birth process? How about afterward? It’s hard for couples at the end of a pregnancy to realize this, but someday, they’ll want to have sex again. What if the woman hemorrhages and poops everywhere? What if the man thinks he’s not squeamish, but finds out otherwise at the birth? How does a woman feel sexy again after being seen in this position?
There are a variety of answers to that question, but here’s the thing. No one wants you to ask. They are totally aghast if you bring it up. These people who can stand around and talk about dilation, episiotomies and birth canals will totally clam up when it comes to discussing whether or not your husband will get the skeeves if he watches the whole thing. They look at you like you must have the most pathetic relationship on earth if this even crosses your mind.
Some people prefer a bit of mystery in their sex lives. Others feel that openness and sharing are the roots of good relationships. Either way, I find it intriguing that people never talk about this. Here’s a fun game – bring it up with a group sometime (not during a meal). How uncomfortable does everyone look?
Some people think it’s a trivial thing to worry about, but if you’re going to stay married or partnered or whatever it is you’re doing, these are details you may want to consider. I GUARANTEE someone is going to get mad at me for writing this. Hopefully, someone will post a link to a hippie earth-mother website and I will get flamed. Then, if you don’t believe my claim that this topic is taboo, you’ll see what I mean. You can decide whatever you like. But I don’t understand why no one is supposed to discuss it. It seems unbelievably repressed for a world where birth is supposed to be more “open”.
