Your pets. They have names. If yours do not, name them immediately, because it’s really demoralizing not to have one. There’s a lot of armchair analysis of what your pets’ names say about you out there; in fact, Jezebel had an article on this topic just a couple days ago.
It made me think: Who are you to speculate on what pets’ names mean? Being “an unmarried lady who is heading full steam ahead toward age 30” as our intrepid Jez author is, doesn’t convince me of your bona fides. More to the point, the article itself really cemented my snap judgement of said qualifications.
You know who is qualified to pass judgement on what you name your pets? Me. Working in an animal shelter is a great way to do a little half-assed sociological research on what your pets’ names actually say about you. So stop reading other blogs and get on this train. I’ll go over some of the Jez assertions and confront the TRUTH, plus add a few observations of my own.
Celebrities
Jez says: “You’re hilarious, unless you named your cat Johnny Depp in hopes that it would cause Johnny Depp to fall in love with you; in that case, you’re sad.”
EN says: You have a terrible sense of humor but you find yourself hilarious. You are sad either way.
- Exceptions: naming your pet Ernest Borgnine, your 23 lb. cat Marlon Brando, etc; it’s situational. (But in general, just picking a celebrity name is not original or amusing.)
Alcohol
EN says: Jez forgot this one, and it’s a big doucheflag. Stoli, Patron, Jose, Gordon’s, Triple Sec… go to AA. I drink more than you and I have never named a pet after my go-to alcoholic beverage, although I have to say that “Mouthwash” does have a ring to it.
- Exceptions: I know of a yellow and black Lab named Miller and Guinness; that’s kind of cute. Also, I knew a Shiba Inu named Vodka. Just “Vodka.” Which is really funny, because if you get a Shiba Inu, you are also not going to care about the brand of vodka you’ll imbibe to erase the annoyance of living with a Shiba Inu.
Inherited
Jez says: “Examples: You adopted an animal that was used to one name, and just kept it. What it says about you: You don’t have enough in you to retrain the animal to a new name.”
EN says: Goddamn, this is why Jezebel annoys me. Don’t presume to know me and my training prowess or lack thereof, little ladies. Listen, if you adopt a dog that already answers to its name, there’s nothing wrong with keeping it.
You need not change its name just to show everyone how much of a feminist Special Snowflake you are (trust me, you’ll see why I said “feminist” in a bit). It’s time-consuming and often confusing to the dog to change its name just because you feel like it.
- Exceptions: I worked in a shelter where someone surrendered a white German Shepherd named “Hitler.” That’s something you do want to maybe at least find a nickname for.
“Transformers”-type “action” names
Jez says: “Examples: Killdozer, Megatron, Blast-Off! What it says about you: You’re a boy under the age of 5.”
EN says: You are badass. I want a dog named Killdozer.
- Exceptions: There are no exceptions. Bad. Ass.
Food
Jez says: “…You can’t even be counted on to muster the creativity necessary to give an animal a respectable name. You got an ill-advised Chinese character tattoo in the early 2000’s, even though you’re not Chinese. You thought it meant ‘love,’ but it really means ‘General Tso’s Chicken Special.'”
EN says: Even a stopped clock is right twice a day. You are boring.
Sports-related
Jez says: “You’re a terror to be around for entire months of the year. Your mood fluctuates violently with the performance of the team you’ve chosen to support, and after a loss, you’re inconsolable and most likely drunk.”
EN says: YOOUSH THINKSSH YURRR SHMART, HUH? DA BEARSSS! (shotguns Old Style) Yeah, being a sports fan is so barbaric, right? God, how pedestrian of you. Seriously, though, Superdome is an okay name for a pet. I’m okay with sports names. But just know that sports are for men, and all men are sexist.
- Exceptions: Wrigley. If you own a pug or a puggle, and it’s named Wrigley, let me know in the comments! I have a VERY SPECIAL reward for you being THE WORST (it’s not a kidney punch, I swear!)
Royal names
Jez says: “You are rude to the wait staff at the Olive Garden, because you love the idea of ordering around someone who is wearing a tie, because you think it means that you’re better than all people with ties on. You put sassy bumper stickers on your car in an ongoing attempt to start an argument with the world that ends with you throwing a cell phone at it. The world does not wish to have this discussion with you.”
EN says: You’re a girl. You’re probably not obnoxious, though it’s a possibility. You probably like pink a lot, but so do I, and I’m sure you appreciate the unlimited salad and breadsticks just as much as anyone else.
Names of historical figures/fictional characters/mythological creatures
Jez says: You are in various ways projecting your love of Nixon-era black history/books/centaurs and trying to look witty or smart.
EN says: Done right, any of these names are suitable to awesome. I’m not going to overthink this. You probably are kind of smart, but maybe you just Googled “fun pet names.” Fine.
- Exceptions: Animals named after “Twilight” characters. Exception to that exception: you have a wolf hybrid named Jacob (don’t get a wolf hybrid).
“Feminist historical”
Jez says: “What it says about you: You often worry that you’re not feminist enough and occasionally accuse others of not being feminist enough. You make subversive cross stitch craft projects or went through a strong riot grrrl phase or participated in a SlutWalk or majored in women’s studies… or all of the above.”
EN says: You are insufferable. You’re trying really, really hard. You can be feminist and not name your pet Margaret Sanger. Name it Cleopatra. I’m serious; she was a bad bitch.
- Exceptions: See fictional/historical above. Virginia Woolf is, again, an excellent name for a wolf hybrid. Katie Roiphe is a great name for an extremely yappy and stupid Chihuahua. Please name your pitbull Paglia.
The moral of the story: if you’re going to try really hard with your pet name, make it funny. But don’t try too hard. Also, people read too much into these things.
And, fine, I’ll list my current pets’ names for your judging pleasure:
- Dog: Jack (the name he came with when I adopted him)
- Dog: Callie (again, the name she came with at adoption)
- Dog: Miss Ripley (super long story, but she’s named after the former kitchen manager of a restaurant in Baton Rouge, and I didn’t want to name her that…she got the “Miss” because every one of my Louisiana friends called her by the polite “Miss Ripley” because she is a LADY)
- Cat: Loki (Norse god of mischief)
- Rats: Brian Urlacher and Julius Peppers (DA BEARS!)
- Fish Tank 1: Betta Mayor Rahm Emanuel and Mystery Snails Axelrod and Carl the Intern (@MayorEmanuel)
- Fish Tank 2: Catharine, Sebastian, Violet and Dr. Sugar (Suddenly, Last Summer)
Photo via Flickr
