What’s that, darling? You’re not making any sense. Calm down. Stop screaming. BREATHE! Use your words to tell Veronica what’s bothering you.

Oh.

You say the banality of the celebrity-industrial complex in its current iteration has driven you to near-fatal ennui? That you never thought you’d live to see the day when the likes of me were replaced with talentless, tiny orange gnome women with novelty tits and hair?

Me either, babe. Me either.

There now. Easy, boy. Have a saucer of milk and a little time out and when you’re ready you can click over the link to see today’s extra-creamy gossip links with a side of nearly-actual news. There, there. All better now.

Hotter than EuroDisney: it’s the Abortionplex! Yelp, the greatest website of the bourgeoisie, reaches its apotheosis in this collection of reviews of the Onion’s fictional Abortionplex. Come for the D&C’s, stay for the Mojitos! (raincoaster)

Servicey! How to open a bottle without a bottle opener. And NO, “twist it off” isn’t the answer unless you’re the Incredible Hulk. I knew the Incredible Hulk. The Incredible Hulk was a friend of mine. And YOU, sir, are no – you know what? I’ve used that joke too many times. (ManoloFood)

Do the Maliboogie! You put your left foot in. You take your left foot out, with great effort, because you were as stupid as Katie Holmes, and wore three inch heels on the beach! (Ayyyy)

Steve Buscemi welcomes you to Emo Disney. So I guess today’s gossip blogs are travel themed. Still, I’d totally pay to see Steve as Mickey Mouse, directed by Quentin Tarantino. When you get your picture taken with him, ask if you can hold the severed hand. (Lolebrity)

“Oh I say!” says Prince Philip. “No, seriously, I said that? I said THAT? Well bloody hell, you don’t think I was SOBER at the time, do you? Quick, blame the fucking peasants!” (Crasstalk)

Lady Gaga is completely tasteless. The GooGoo Diet? Real dieters stick with The Drinker’s Diet, even if they dumped the man who invented it! If it was good enough for Dino, it’s good enough for you, honey. (AgentBedhead)

George Harrison pities the fool. Then wonders why a Canadian gossip blogger is referencing Mister T on a Beatle post, then shrugs amiably as well as posthumously, realizing that nobody who lived through the 80?s escaped unchanged by them. (BusyBeeBlogger)

Justin Timberlake DID NOT GO THERE! And you can’t make him go, you with your tawdry, nicotine-stained fashionistas. GOD! (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Cougar Sausage! Someone needs to tell Janice Dickinson that turkey skin and gristle in a tube sock is not an attractive look. (CelebritySmack)

Jet Skis fail to take a victim. This time. Hey, that gives me an idea for a horror series. GET ME ELI ROTH! (CelebVIPLounge)

LeAnn Rimes Fatty Fat Fat Fatso Fatty Fatpants. There, if that doesn’t get me trashed on Jezebel, nothing ever will. (CityRag)

Blake Lively is apparently spotted like a hyena under all those clothes, or at least that’s what her publicist is being paid to say. Do you think she ever looks back at her humanities degree and wonders where she went wrong? (DailyStab)

Courtney Love, aristocrat. Stiffing servants like she was born to it: Thatta girl! At this rate one of them will poison you shortly. (EarSucker)

It’s Bimbo vs Bimbo in the Seaside Smackdown of the Season. In related news, Jon Derek wants her number. (FitFabCeleb)

The Womb Broom Room: sixteen celebrities sporting mustaches. And not ONE is an Italian woman (well, we’re not sure about Efron)! (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Sue Sylvester lays the smackdown on that uppity Wasilla Hillbilly. In related news, Jane Lynch for president! (HaveUHeard)

Justin Bieber is so totally perving to this topless massage picture in private. That’s an auto-timed Twitpic if ever I saw one; young man, you go to your room and LEAVE THE STARLET BEHIND! (HollywoodHiccups)

RPattz and KStew’s wedding video! ZOMG CAN YOU BELIEVE BREAKING DAWN IS COMING??? ZOMG can you believe how much longer we have to pretend to be excited about this shit? Someone stop that woman before she writes another! (INeedMyFix)

Jennifer Love Hewitt’s latest drama: this outfit. Is that an oversized, beaded beige Iroquois jumpsuit? (MathewGuiver)

Britney Spears: too special for the unassisted human ear. Like the gods of ancient Greece, she requires the services of a special interpreter in order to make herself appreciated by mere mortals. (PoorBritney)

Oh, US TOO, PARIS! (PopBytes)

Squeeeeeeee! Peter Brady is single! Cougars, start your engines! (Swoonworthy)

This is as close to amputee porn as Reese Witherspoon is ever going to get, so enjoy? Also, she looks like she’s ready to claw your faceoff, so bonus Catfight Points. (TheSkinny)

Avril Lavigne doesn’t give an F about Americans. But she gave one TO Americans. Oh, those kooky Quebecois! (TheSkinnyChic)

Selah.