The bourgeois intellectual elite at the Mauve Lady (Grey with very strong shades of homosexual Pink) would like you to know that it’s about damn time we return to a time and place when, as writer Susan Mulcahy* declares, ‘men were men and a sofa was a sofa.’ Clearly, this only applies to rich people tufted couches with the nails in them and stuff, but there is one woman, one single solitary woman who has made it her mission to protect the dry cleanable garments of the world.
Plastic? Ha! Where do you think you are? Levittown? You’re somewhere that’s green alright! That green? It’s mold, and it’s not the good kind of mold that only the best cheeses at Murray’s** have. It’s the kind of mold that is going to attract all sorts of unsavory creatures into your 1300$ walk up in Bedford-Styuvesant. Why don’t you sacrifice a little and purchase a fabric cover ‘that is free of chemicals, bleaches, sizing and dyes’ and ‘meets the same textile conservation standards used by museum curators.’ That’s right! For a mere 16$-135$ you can purchase pieces of fabric from a former Nina Ricci Perfume CEO (Mrs. Barbara Harman. Babs from this point forward) that were designed with her cousin-in-law, Mrs. Phyllis Dillon***, a former curator and fashion historian for the Met. The glorified scraps of muslin are manufactured in Brooklyn. Of course it’s in Brooklyn.
You know what though? You can spare 135$! All you have to do is not take the subway for a month and a half. It’s summer. Reduce your carbon footprint and get on that bike. Just don’t mistake the construction lane on the Manhattan Bridge for a bike lane when you’re biking home drunk from Lit at 3AM.****
*We’re all for giving women opportunities, but the Irish? Mulcahy means battle chief. She probably defeated Bill Keller in a fencing match by summoning a leprechaun to throw a potato at his head. Sue, your people suffered famine for years and you dare to throw the object of your ancestral suffering? You dare to throw that perfectly good potato away? What would your mother say? I suspect she’d be upset because your violent behavior is yet another clue in regards to your potential involvement in the IRA. What did Bill Keller ever do to you? What did your mother ever do to you? J’accuse Susan! J’accuse!
**Can we take a moment to divert from Murray’s Cheese and talk about how weird it is that Murray’s Bagels refuses to toast anything? That’s weird, right? Like, we’ve-had-discussions-with-strangers-in-Chelsea-on-this-topic weird. Bergen Bagels forever (Tal if uptown).
***Crap, Phyllis Diller is still alive?
****We definitely have never done this.
