Mothers Who Dislike Their Children Are Disturbed, Not Normal

A few months ago the blogosphere was all abuzz with the personal article about a woman who hated her daughter.  Concerned commenters pointed out that she sounded like she had real psychological problems (obviously) and it was more than just the Terrible Twos.  The problem was and is not with mothers who sometimes get frustrated because Little Snowflake keeps painting the walls with his poop – having a very human “OMG you are so annoying!” moment is not what this woman was talking about.  The issue with this woman was that she was putting the onus of responsibility to have a connection with her child on the child – not on herself.  Women who have Borderline Personalities cannot form appropriate and healthy attachments to people – including their own children, and especially their own daughters.

The Today Show this morning featured another woman who is also apparently comfortable with implicitly announcing her BPD status, except this time it’s even more fucked up.  The most salient point made in the interview Natalie Morales did with the woman was that the woman’s daughter, “Sophie,” wasn’t hitting developmental milestones, and this caused the mother to view her as a “failure” and “repellent.”

If a child isn’t meeting developmental milestones in their first 7 years of life (at which point a growth hormone deficiency in the daughter was identified by medical personnel, and the girl has received medical treatment since), they are not a failure, there is something physically wrong.  Except this woman thought it was totally her stupid failure child’s fault.  Who, objectively, is the person with the problem in this scenario?  Is it the grown adult who made a choice to bring another human being into this world, or is it the child who’s not hitting their developmental milestones due to a medical condition?

As the firstborn daughter of a mother with Borderline Personality – the daughter of a mother whose famous first words about her were, “I wanted a boy, give her to someone else” – we as a society cannot excuse these types of reactions to children.  This is 100% different from getting exasperated at the end of a long day of wrangling toddlers, and this is 100% about the mother’s own psychological issues.

What happens when we excuse these types of mothers is that these mothers are allowed to go on subtly (or sometimes, not so subtly, as in the time when my mother stripped me of all my clothes in December in Buffalo, New York, and locked me out of the house, telling me to stand outside naked for the night if I wanted to run to my friend’s house without a coat on) psychologically abusing their children.  The children of these women end up broken inside.  Because someone with BPD splits their perceptions of people and things (people and things are either “all good” or “all bad”), the children of these women are at risk for developing depression, narcissism, self-loathing (which leads to self-abusing and, everyone’s favorite, self-medicating), and Borderline Personality themselves.

This dialogue is ok inasmuch as we recognize that it’s ok to get frustrated as a parent, but at the end of the day, parents still love, respect, and support their child for who the child is no matter what.  That is distinctly different from the mothers we have seen recently who are “out and proud” about how much they dislike and even have trouble loving their failure children.

Children are not an extension of ourselves, but these mothers think that they are – and that’s actually what they’re hating in their child: themselves.  The child is an innocent victim in all of it.  From personal experience, I can tell you that I have believed as long as I can remember that there is something severely wrong with me – that I was born broken, a faulty model that should have never been shipped out of the factory.  It’s not a coincidence (though she would have you believe it is) that the first words my mother ever uttered in my presence were, “I wanted a boy.”

The saddest aspect is that children fundamentally need love and seek connection with their parents, and particularly with their mothers.  So a child, even if she’s got 10 years of experiences telling her that her mother can’t stand her, will continue to attempt to receive the love and affection she needs.  This sets up the child for 18 years worth of being rebuffed, being reminded that you’re a disappointing failure, and being told that you are not good enough.  What kind of life is that person going to end up with?

The picture in this post is of my mother and me at my sister’s wedding a few years ago.  I feel horribly conflicted about my own mother, because I hate her with the depth of my being for what she did to me and continues to do to me, but I desperately, desperately love her, and desperately want her to love me in return.  She can’t though – she is incapable of doing so.  Until you are willing and able to accept that your mother will never change – probably can’t change – you’re going to keep trying…and you’re going to keep getting burned.

If you recognize yourself in these women – truly recognize yourself, and are horrified – please, do yourself and your children (or future children if that is the case) the biggest favor you could ever do and get your ass into talk therapy stat.  If you can’t do it for yourself and the strangers who interact with you every day, please, do it for the children – they never asked to be brought into this world, and they don’t deserve to have your 30-odd years of unaddressed, suppressed issues heaped upon their little shoulders.  It might just kill them.

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