So it’s a Sunday afternoon and nothing is on. Well, that’s not true. Something is on…and that something is shameful and awful, but you know secretly deep down in places you won’t talk about at parties, you’ll watch at least ten minutes if not the whole thing, perhaps in the dark, perhaps in your basement, perhaps when everyone else in your household is shopping at Target. You and your remote alone will know what awful shenanigans you’ve been up to.
It’s confession time.
Krull:
What’s better than a futuristic, yet medieval fantasy movie? Well, nothing ever! This thing had it all, a planet named Krull, a traveling mountain spaceship (because who doesn’t want to travel by mountain?) a large monster thing called simply “The Beast,” an old widow who lives in a spider web, and a boomerang knife born in a volcanic cave. Sensational! There’s magic, mayhem, shape shifters, a cyclops inexplicably! Quicksand and lots, lots, more! Wikipedia tells me that Krull spawned a board game, an arcade game, and a video game for the Atari 2600! Um, if only I could go back in time, I’d so fire up the 2600 and get my Krull on. Shut up, everyone.
Overboard:
You would never get me to admit in open court how many times I’ve seen this movie. It is utterly awesomely awful. Goldie Hawn is a wealthy amnesiac who’s put into some sort of weird indentured servitude by sweaty bohunk Kurt Russell to make her work off his fee for installing some sort of wooden shadow box of a shoe closet…and it works, and she cleans up his house, and his kids, all the while falling in love with him and his family. Only in the 1980’s can you turn a movie about white slavery and make it a love story that we’re all rooting for. At the end you’re totally hoping, (as she pops the cap on that beer using the edge the table like the redneck she’s turned into), that she leaps wearing her ball gown into the ocean to claim her one true love…mullet-wearing, dirty tank-top clad Kurt Russell. Awww. Seriously, shut up.
The Beastmaster:
OMG! This is the best shitastical movie, ever! Dar (Marc Singer) wears absolutely nothing in this movie. Okay, he wears a loincloth and it’s fantastic! James Evans (John Amos) in a loincloth, er, not so much. The movie is about a guy who can telepathically connect with animals and uses this ability to stop an evil dude (Rip Torn) from running the church of Scientology and sacrificing kids to Ron Hubbard. Tanya Roberts, hottie from the 80’s, shows up to help. He also gets cool jewelry from some sort of humanoid bat witches that melt your bones (and responsible for young Spirit Fingers nightmares), and has to defeat some animalistic possessed guys who wear a bunch of spike helmets. AND THERE’S ALSO CUTE FERRET THIEVES. You have to love a movie with cute ferret thieves. You do. You really do. This is not up for debate.
The Burbs:
No, this did not win Tom Hanks any awards, and by far probably counts as a “Tom Hanks Flop” oh, but it was a bit of fun, and actually a nice bit of social commentary about life in the suburbs. Well, not really, but I like to think so. Ever have neighbors that you’re sure are killing people in their basement mostly because they look weird and have a habit of digging in their backyards…in the rain…wearing grim reaper rain slickers? Yes, well, if so, you’ve probably seen The Burbs, and you should stop freaking out. They’re probably very nice people. You should invite them over for sardines and pretzels. Don’t look at me like that. It’s probably not what you think. They’re probably into taxidermy.
Desperately Seeking Susan:
Basically one long Madonna music video because nothing about this movie made any sense. None whatsoever! Rosanna Arquette plays (Roberta) a bored housewife who loves to read the Personals and follow the daily dramas of Madonna and her boyfriend (stalker much?) and one day decides to follow their meeting, where she bumps her head and thinks she actually is Madonna. Well, who in the mid 1980’s didn’t have that exact dream? Mistaken identity, hijinks, love ensues and every minute of it is totally believable. Yup, what are you talking about? And cheating on your husband while you have amnesia is not cheating is it? Okay, yes it is, but what if your husband is a silly hot tub salesman? Okay, yes, then too. I get it. But what if you’re Madonna in 1985? Okay, there’s probably an exception for that.
Road House:
Swayze Smash. That pretty much sums up Road House. Yes, sure, he has a mullet, tight jeans, and high heeled boots…who’s to say that bouncers everywhere would never dress like this? The Swayze plainly says otherwise. You better not set foot in his bar to cause any trouble or he’ll mess up your face. Yup, he certainly will. No way will he “ga-gung, ga-gung” dance the mambo all over your ass, or put you in a corner. No sir, he’ll just beat you the old fashioned way…with synchronized, choreographed dance fight moves.
Killer Klowns From Outer Space:
This is one I’ll watch in spite of myself. You know how you’ll look at a car accident on the highway even though you really don’t want to see anything horrible, not really. Yes, well, that’s what this movie is. I’ll watch a few minutes just to confirm how completely terrifying and horrible it is. There’s a scene where the clowns liquefy humans and drink them with a straw, and all the red liquid (blood) travels through their silly straws as they drink….and this is still one of the most horrifying things I’ve ever seen. Clowns are the devil.
Breakin and Breakin 2 Electric Boogaloo:
Shabba-Doo and Turbo are awesome. Can they act? No, not at all ever. But at the height of the break dancing craze these two led the pack in a litany of break dancing movies like Rappin starring Lorenzo Lamas, and Rooftops starring that Iron Eagle kid. This movie sparked the whole, “We’ve got to save the community center” craze. There was always a community center to be saved. Just where will the children do their spray painting and cardboard box head-spinning? But just one Breakin wasn’t enough there needed to be two, and what better name than Electric Boogaloo. I mean, seriously, Electric Boogaloo? It was a name sent from the Gods. Why not just call heaven Electric Boogaloo, because if there is one way to make heaven more awesome it would be to rename it Electric Boogaloo. “And God opened the pearly gates to Electric Boogaloo and said unto him, let there be headbands and parachute pants.”
The Golden Child:
Remember when Eddie Murphy was hilarious? Not in a fat suit, “Hercules, Hercules,” kind of way, but just him in a leather jacket, a shag haircut and his smart ass wisecracks? Yes, well, this movie had a lot of that and some other nonsensical things about dragons, Tywin Lannister, and a child that could subsist off of parsley and bring people back to life. It was fantastic. “Give, give, me the knife, please? Yeah, Foo, save it. No, I don’t want the dollar with the booger on it. You keep that.” Great stuff. Oh, we miss Eddie, don’t we? This movie is not one of his best, but it is firmly cemented into the awesomely bad category. “What was that…with the flip?”
The Fifth Element:
So Bruce Willis at some point thought it wasn’t enough to stop buildings or planes from blowing up. After all, Sylvester Stallone made the segue into futuristic action movies, see Judge Dredd, and Demolition Man, so sure, Bruce could strap on some thigh guns, get into a spaceship and appear in the most oddly, horribly confusing movie of all time. It was something about a gifted operative (Mila Jovovich), saving her from bad guys, and saving the planet or some such. And Chris Tucker makes a rare appearance as some sort of platinum-haired jester. All of this made perfect sense. Not even a little bit. I will watch this movie to mock it, to heckle, to laugh hysterically at things that aren’t supposed to be funny, but mostly to try and understand just what the hell they were actually trying to do. Fourteen years later and I still have no idea.
So that’s my list for now. There were certainly others I could add. Like Howard the Duck (Feh!) or even Police Academy, but I’ll let you guys add some others in the comments, or just commiserate about the ones up above. There’s enough awesomely bad to go around! Have at it, kids.
(Note: Old movie trailers are awesome. HA!)
