Wednesday Morning News Roundup

News!  We’ve got news!

Every day, as I write this for you, my dear friends, I think of Kermit the Frog.  Kermit is the finest amphibian journalist to ever hop the earth.   We should all try to be like Kermit.

 

  • Rescuers in Joplin, Missouri are still looking for survivors.
  • This has been a horrific tornado season. Why?
  • It appears the Joplin twister is the worst to hit this nation since the wicked bad Worcester, Massachusetts tornado in 1953. Yes, Massachusetts. I covered City hall in Worcester for four years. Say it with me: WOOS-tah. WOOS-tah. You’ll get it. Here’s some help. Also: Yankees Suck.
  • NATO cranks up the power.
  • Former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum will make his candidacy for the Republican Presidential nomination official the week of June fifth.   Whether or not this will fix his google problem, only time will tell.   Go ahead.  Google it.  But don’t bitch I didn’t warn you.
  • Newt Gingrich is the sort of man reporters love to torture. I almost feel badly for Calista.
  • President Obama is way hotter than Prince Charles.
  • Witches: They’re just like us!
  • The government is expected to announce today new ways to explain car fuel efficiency standards to consumers.
  • Oh, SNAP! New Jersey Governor Chris Christie (what sort of parents, may I ask, names their poor bastid child Chris Christie? Do you want your little dude to get his ass kicked on a daily basis?) has been ordered by the state’s high court to up state aid to New Jersey schools.
  • Speaking of New Jersey
  • Since I can’t have Mad Men this summer, I introduce unto you a new feature: The Jon Hamm Daily Google. I miss you, my love.

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