Liveblogging the Academy Awards

Welcome to the liveblog of the 2011 Oscars award show! It’s Missing Peace, Dancing Queen, and 2/3 of Ms. Anthropy here with your Academy Awards coverage. While we are excited about the show and have been making  our picks for the winners all week, we have to admit that the red carpet is what we get most excited about.

This year, the Academy Awards will be co-hosted by James Franco and Anne Hathaway, or Francaway, as we’ve dubbed them.  We hope they re-enact this.

6:00 – GAMETIME! TIM GUNN! J Hud’s skin is perfection. Chocolatey smooth, perfection. Mini-preggers Portman is back (and still bored – I mean, tired!).

6:03 – SAY WHAT NOW? The show doesn’t start for another 30 minutes. Those dirty rats at ABC. Franco’s high. So, so high. Who is that Godzilla interviewing him? She’s awful.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: ABC PULLED A FAST ONE AND ISN’T STARTING THE SHOW FOR ANOTHER 30 MINUTES. I GUESS THEY FIGURE SEA-CREATURE TAKES SOME OF THE RED CARPET AUDIENCE. NO MATTER. E! IS OVER SO WE CAN REVIEW THE FASHION/INANE INTERVIEWS ONCE AGAIN.

6:08 – Who is in the lead for the nip-slip contest? Mila if she bends over just slightly or Sandy if she breathes deeply? Place your bets, now. At least we can see women conducting the interviews who have eaten in the last year – we’re talking about you, Rancic!

6:13 – “I’ve been dying to ask this” – pause…pause…pause. HAHAHA! It’s okay, Robin. Kidman is a robot and that was probably your first time interviewing a robot. Tim has no idea who Jay-Z is but he does know who “Chris Martin of Coldplay” is. Tim can do no wrong. I wish he would feel someone up but it will never happen, sadly.

6:18 – If J-Lo is going to push something, it should be pajama jeans. Those are the only jeans I can think of that can contain that badonkadonk! It’s luscious and I want to snuggle it like a fresh baked loaf of bread.

6:23 – Oh dear. Godzilla’s back. Sounds like she took too many Xanax before the show. Judging by her dry mouth, maybe some Vicodin, too. She must be the wife of some ABC executive. There is no explanation for her.

6:27 – No, Tom. Patrick Swayze cornered the market on heart noises. He OWNS heart noises.

6:30 – HERE WE GO! Are your glasses full? Did everyone go to the bathroom?

6:34 – YOU’RE A JUNKBAG! And a TRASHBOX! Oh snap. They brought up Tron! Is the brown duck not a rip-off of SNL? This shit needs to end – NOW. Right fucking now.

6:39 – From The Obvious: “The Knicks are wearing road blues by Adidas tonight.” Someone is not paying attention in class.

6:40 – Anne’s dress is turrible. She looks like she lost a fight with one of Lisa Vanderpump’s necklaces.
FIRE! It’s illegal to yell fire in a theater, did you know that?

6:44 – I’m guessing about half the audience has already turned the channel or fallen asleep. Pick up the pace, Picante! First award. YAY! Moving on!

6:54 – This just in: Kirk Douglas and Dick Clark are going to be the new stars of Two and a Half Men. UPGRADE!

6:56: – The Best Supporting Actress is…Melissa Leo! DO NOT be in a the same category as this woman if you want to win. She will win AND cut you with her dress. What is going on here? Are they pumping Klonopin into the theater?

7:03 – Best Animated Short Film goes to The Lost Thing. Ironic since none of us have ever heard of it. We need a drinking game to spice this up. DRINK!

7:05 – I’m not gonna lie, How to Train a Dragon was good but Toy Story 3 had that as locked up as Lindsey Lohan will be in about 30 days if she keeps this up.

7:13 – How do you ruin two impossibly hot men? Make them both dress like the Good Humor man.

7:14: Best Adapted Screenplay goes to Aaron Sorkin for The Social Network. He is a Hollywood darling. Ugh. Thanking the agents – pffffffftttt. And the music played on…HA! Funny about the guinea pig.

7:19 – Best Original Screenplay to the David Seidler for The King’s Speech. See, you thank your family, not the agents. Oh! And the Queen! That will surely get you knighted, right? Good on ya, man.

7:23 – From Plymshkin: “I don’t know who Keith Urban is, but he strikes me as a tiny little moron.” Salome Valentine: “Where have you been, Plmy?” That is all.

7:25 – Anne doesn’t have to shabby a voice. Franco in the Marilyn dress – I don’t what?

7:27 – Helen Mirren is a Goddess and Russel Brand looks more like a woman than Franco in a dress. Lay off the foundation, man.
Best Foreign Language film: In a Better World. In a better world, this show would be better.

7:30 – Best Supporting Actor is…Christian Bale. WHAT? This show is rigged! No one would have guessed that! Ugh. He is SO HOT. Is he a natural ginger or does his beard betray him? Also, I’M BATMAN!

7:39 – Shut up. No one cares. Who ARE you people?

7:40 – Holy nightmare of dresses, Anne. Looks like she got caught in a cobweb on her way to the prom. Jack and Nicole – yummy Aussie sammich. I’ll bring the Vegamite! The THX thing is still pretty cool. Has no one written a new theme song better than Star Wars and E.T.? I mean, those are like 25 years old!

7:42 – Best Original Score goes to Trent Rezner (are we that old, now?) and Atticus Ross for The Social Network. I would have voted for Inception’s – that was scary!

7:43 – The next person to say sound is gonna get a Jimmy Choo heel in their eye. The Oscar for Best Sound Mixing goes to the people from Inception and hey! There’s a lady! Woo hoo! Inception wins Best Sound Editing, too (apparently these are two different things)! Dude, there is nothing more than 100%. There’s no 1000%. There is never anything more than 100%.

7:55 – HAHAHAHAHHA! “Congratulations, nerds!” – James Franco. Our first intentionally funny moment of the night.

7:56 – Cate Blanchette is wearing a picture frame. Best Oscar Makeup goes to the people from The Wolfman. I will have nightmares from that clip alone. Why aren’t there more women in make-up. Sit on that for a minute. Best Costume goes to Colleen Atwood for Alice and Wonderland. Not a surprise really, considering that she made all those tiny clothes. And yet, she wore those gloves? More things to ponder.

8:00 – We made it to the halfway point, kids! Who’s drunk and/or high (besides Franco?). Better get there because knock-knees is going to come out with her GEE-tar and sang. Oh my! The President made a cameo – swoon.

8:03 – It’s time for the singing! Now, I’m not advocating violence, but if someone were to, for instance, take out Randy Newman, I would not be mad. Mandy Moore, someone explain her career to me, please?

8:07 – Showing a picture of an elephant right after showing Oprah? Coincidence? I think not. There will be murders in Hollywood, tonight.

8:15 – Shorts are what I wish you were wearing, Mr. Getmeallgooglyeyed. The Oscar for a Documentary Short Subject goes to Strangers No More. Watch documentaries, people! It’s important! Best Live Action Short Film (non-pr0n) is God of Love. Aw, best speech so far!

8:18 – Autotune should get an Oscar.

8:20 – Even Oprah couldn’t find a hairbrush. This is serious, people.

8:22 – Best Documentary goes to Inside Job. YOU GET AN OSCAR! YOU GET A OSCAR! EVERYBODY GETS AN OSCAR! Tell ’em, Charles. Put the bastards in jail! In the meantime, have fun at the Vanity Fair party?

8:26 – Aw how sweet. Rich people acting like poors for a week. How endearing! Jerks.

8:31 – Going from a Kidman’d Billy Crystal to Bob Hope. It’s clear that they have given up.

8:33 – RDJ and Jude Law, next year’s hosts? Please? And the Oscar for Best Visual Effects goes to Inception. Too bad they couldn’t dream of not sitting in the back corner of the theater.

8:36 – Best Sound Editing goes to The Social Network? I think we have our first upset. My money was Black Swan.

8:41 – From Sea Change: “This is like an un-awesome version of the Slap Chop commercial.”

8:42 – J Hud should have removed the cotton from her mouth before coming out. This song is beautiful and it only makes me sadder knowing what is going to happen next.

8:44 – Seriously. I am angry for all the artists who have been struggling for years to make it. I have a Hulk-like anger. Must punch someone, now. For the love of humanity. I can barely type this – Best Original Song goes to that totally unoriginal guy who can only write buddy music for animated films. From Tacky_Tick: “This was Randy Newman’s second Oscar and twentieth nomination for the same song.”

8:51 – Modern Family should host next year.

8:53 – How do you solve the problem of the awkward loud applause for the popular dead people and the lack of applause for the ones who no one remembers? Have Celine Dion sing during the In Memorium portion of the program. Best decision by the producers so far.

8:56 – Halle Berry is beautiful but like, they do know that there are other Black actresses in Hollywood, right? (I’ll just keep drinking).

9:02 – We have entered the third act, and judging by Anne’s dress, Pandora.

9:04 – From dostoevsky: Kathryn, your sweater dress from Coldwater Creek has no place here.

9:08 – The Oscar for the Best Director goes to James Cameron Tom Hooper for The King’s Speech. It’s happening. Tom’s mom and Helen Mirren are giving me hope for the future.

9:10 – What was that? The three amigos?

9:16 – Best Actress goes to the other mascot of Crasstalk (Home of the Web’s Most Self-Aggrandizing Commenters) Natalie Portman! Clutch my belly this is shocking!

9:23 – I much preferred the half circle of death from years past when the past winners came out and made the current nominees cry.

9:25 – Best Actor goes to Colin Firth! Well deserved, Mr. Darcy. Did he just tell us that he has bubbleguts? Also, what a humorless jerk is Jesse?

9:32 – Well slap may ass and call me Sally – the Oscar for the Best Motion Picture goes to The King’s Speech! Hard to believe, really. I mean, it’s not like the Best Picture montage was set to a monologue from the movie!

9:39 – Oh crap. These kids give me the chills. I think I have something in my eye.

9:41 – Aaaaaaaand scene. What a snore-fest! No surprises. No one fell down. No nip slips. Thank you all for joining us tonight. You have made the first Crasstalk Oscar liveblog a spectacular-spectacular! Join us tomorrow when we review the highlights of the show (which will be very brief), the best of the red carpet and most importantly, the comments.

Good night!

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *