All The Hipsters Are Moving Into ‘Rhino’s Testicle’

I don’t know about you, but I think South Sudan is a real up-and-comer in the international league of BATSHIT INSANE NATIONS. I think this is their plan:

1. Gain your independence.

After years fighting a civil war against the Northern-dominated central government of Sudan, South Sudan will become the world’s newest nation back in July of this year. So far, so good. Everyone loves the new guy at the U.N.

2. Elect a Cool Guy as president.

I’m fairly sure President-Elect Salva Kiir Mayardit was the genius behind the “Speakerboxx” album.

3. Get access to 80 percent of Sudan’s oil production.

What could go wrong? Oil wealth is pretty much the easiest way to make your people suddenly appreciate the opulence of solid gold toilets and feel a sense of perpetual happiness (mainly due to pooping in aforementioned solid gold toilets).

4. Profit.

This is oil. There is no fucking “????” step.

5. Develop your nation’s human capital.

With all that oil money coming in, here’s your chance to invest in programs that raise development levels. South Sudan will invest in hings like new schools, better medical facilities and universities in order to diversify its economy and not become too dependent on oil revenues like, ahem, every other country that has been cursed with oil.

5. Build cities in the shape of awesome shit like animals, and fruit.

With the sudden massive inflow of foreign capital, you’re suddenly VERY FUCKING RICH, South Sudan. Don’t plan for tomorrow. Build huge cities in cool shapes. And spend $10.1 billion doing it. What could go wrong with this plan?