The Most and Least Expensive Everyday Things

Some of the items we use everyday come in a staggering array of choices from the downright affordable to the laughably expensive.  Let’s look at the most expensive and least expensive item in some common categories of items you might buy.

Production Automobile

The lease expensive new car in the US is the Hyundai Accent GL.  You can pick one up for $10,735 or less if you’re a master haggler.  It comes with a 100,000 mile powertrain warranty and those old fashioned cranks that let you roll the windows up and down even when the car is off.  It’s a 2 door hatchback that will zip you along with all 110 of its horses.

The Bugatti Veyron on the other hand will set you back $1.7M.  That’s roughly 158 times the cost, but you do get ten times the horsepower.  The Veyron does have power windows and a dual automated manual transmission that shifts faster than any person could ever hope to get the clutch down and the lever thrown.

Median Single Family Detached Home Price

When you’re looking for a place to park your Hyundai Accent there is no more fitting place than the lowest priced metropolitan statistical area to buy your dream home, Youngstown, OH.  The median price of a plot of land with a roof over your head in 2010 was $67,200.  Before all you fancy NYC people tell me about how you can’t buy a doormat for that much, this is for single family detached homes so condos, coops, townhouses and other attached structures don’t count.  Real Americans have a yard to mow and live in the heartland.

If you want to get your Veyron to the most expensive place to buy a home you’ll need to have it shipped by boat, unless you own an airplane that can accommodate a super-car.  Honolulu, HI has a median home price of $607,000 which is down considerably from the peak of the housing bubble.  You’ll get to live on Oahu, go surfing, complain about the people from the mainland and maybe become a private detective in your fancy sports car.

High Definition Television

Everyone has a HDTV already right?  If you’re one of the holdouts and you’re going shopping then be prepared for a confusing number of options.  If you’re starting at the low end though and want to make sure every room in your mansion is stocked with a HDTV then you’ll want to head on down to budget street and pick up a Coby 15″ LCD TV for a very modest $84.  Sure the colors are washed out, the screen is tiny and the remote only has 4 buttons, but it’s not like you’re going to be watching Blu-ray movies on this thing.

But nothing goes with your lifestyle quite like the PrestigeHD Supreme.  This 55″ television is literally encrusted with diamonds and accented with alligator skin.  It will set you back $2.2M.  I’m sure The Donald is the target market for this gaudy beast.  Now, if you want to find a TV that your local electronics retailer can sell you then the most expensive is the Pioneer 60″ Kuro class for $5,995.

Production Motorcycle

In your leisure time you probably like to get out and feel the wind in your hair and the bugs in your teeth.  For that you’re going to need a motorcycle.  If you’re looking for something that gets great mileage and has a name you’ve never heard of then you can’t go wrong with the cheapest bike, the American Lifan LF 200 Sphinx.  This Chinese made machine sells for $2,095.  It has a top speed of 75 MPH and can only carry 330 pounds so check the scale and speed limit before you head out to look for a dealer.

You’re probably not the kind of person who likes to limit their potential so you may want to look at the Ecosse Titanium Series RR Limited Edition instead.  As the name implies this motorcycle makes use of titanium everywhere it can.  Titanium is a very strong yet light metal often used in aircraft.  Other areas use carbon fiber to reduce weight.  All of this gives the rider a great power to weight ratio for the bike’s 200 horsepower engine.  If you have $275,000 laying around and a need to impress bike-geeks then meet your new ride.  It should be noted that the Dodge Viper inspired V10 does cost more, but was never a production bike.

Elements, of the Periodic Kind

All this talk about titanium makes one wonder what element can you pick up on a budget and which one should you dream about hoarding.  Sure you can go grab a hand full of dirt or breathe in some air, but what if you want your stuff pure?  At $0.20 per gram, calcium is the most affordable and has the added benefit of not killing you on contact like some less friendly elements.

But the most expensive element is something you might find in a nuclear reactor.  Californium-252 was forced into existence at the University of California, Berkeley in 1950.  It’s thought to perhaps exist in nature but nobody is sure.  If you want to buy some (you probably can’t buy it) it will cost you $1,000,000,000 per gram.

$1,000,000,000

Your Toddler Is Like Keith Moon in So Many Ways

One vastly overlooked career path for mothers looking to re-enter the workforce: rock star/celebrity handlers. Although toddlers may seem so cute and innocent (mostly when asleep) the parallels to the archetypal out-of-control artist are uncanny; and perhaps enough to make even Pete Doherty blush.

Substance Abuse

Artists of all stripes have had historical struggles with the bottle or the needle and as their handler you’ll be expected to help them score and definitely provide damage control once they’re high.  OK, most toddlers are only addicted to bottles of the BPA-free variety.  But they are often high on life, and the frightening part of this is you can’t pack them off to rehab for that. As a matter of course toddlers tend to stumble, slur, and drool under the influence of absolutely nothing at all, and find endless amusement in things like spinning in place till they hit their heads on the kitchen floor.  Like girls gone wild, they’ll disrobe at a moment’s fancy.  Often in public.   Nor have they ever seen a fountain or body of water that doesn’t irresistibly beckon. And unfortunately, like the most hardcore drunks, will often wet the bed and slumber on. Not to mention you’re also already familiar with the stealth puke, which happens with alarming frequency, and will come in very handy with budding Mama Casses and bulimic starlets.

Toddlers don’t need the aid of foreign substances to channel Britney and cut off all of their hair with blunt scissors, but there are the times when sugar definitely contributes to the daily mayhem.  Anyone who has ever witnessed a group of under-5’s mainlining undiluted juice boxes will have experienced the frisson of terror that one might encounter say, when addicts meet very pure heroin.  No one can tell me sugar is not a drug and I’ve seen the ugly things toddlers will do under the influence:  the shriveled foil hull of a verboten chocolate Easter egg discarded behind the sofa, the tell-tale blue tongue of the secret jelly-bean huffer, the incessant whine of the Oreo addicted.   Even when you’ve forsworn all snacks of the evaporated-cane-juice variety, there will always be a playground groupie who will help junior cop from some unsuspecting mom.  The playground fanbase feeds the sugar junkie’s already inflated ego, finding his antics charming and funny.  They don’t get to see the ensuing meltdown once your homeboy gets back to his crib. But if you do have to score drugs in your new gig you’ll know how to play it to get maximum advantage. Like a lollipop will get your kid through the supermarket checkout line, a handful of Vicodin will get your client through the interview.  Just don’t be caught holding and keep it out of the tabloids.

Artistic Expression

Like miniature Jackson Pollocks, toddlers are the ultimate free spirits. Gargantuan ids trapped in tiny bodies yearning to break free, expose their innermost souls, jam Legos into the DVD player.  Everything is art, if you cannot see the beauty in random piles of salt or juice as medium and the kitchen floor as canvas then you might as well be the Man. It is a fine line to walk, however, as you already know.  In your new gig you’ll want to strive to be more the Patti Boyd type of muse, even though you’re Yoko at home. Also, when the work is pure crap (it is little-known and overlooked fact that even Basquiat had a brief, and misunderstood, macaroni period),  you already know how to assuage the most sensitive of egos.  “I’m sorry you didn’t get the Grammy, but hey, good job! I got you a sticker, I mean, a hooker!”

One of the first battles waged by toddlers in ther epic quest for self–expression revolves around clothing. Once they demand to dress themselves they, like rock stars, are known for their quirky sartorial  sense—the intensity of a four-year-old girl’s relationship with sparkle is enough to make Lady Gaga look Amish—and often the end result, replete with the requisite bruises and scrapes that come with a burgeoning sense of balance, is pretty much the way Amy Winehouse looks on any given day.  You already know how to roll with the flow here and you won’t even have to make public excuses that your new charge was dressed by Dad that morning.

The Truth Hurts

Like toddlers, rock stars and artistes are often known for their lack of social filters, they’ll say whatever they want and be adored and despised for it.  As the handler, you’ll be doing damage control here too.  Fortunately you’re also prepared for this.  When your new charge gets into the inevitable tiff with Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan, you’ll know what to say to smooth things over.   Well, honey, Paris didn’t mean to steal your Greek shipping magnate boyfriend, can you say you’re sorry for running her over in the parking lot?  Baby, remember friends share so can you give Lindsay some of your eightball?  She shared her Oxycontin with you last week, remember?  Let’s use our sharing and our inside-the-VIP-section voices.

Hangin’ with the Roadies

You will have no trouble relating to the lads as you are already intimately familiar with Newton’s little-known fourth law of motion: an inverse equation whereby the smaller a person in motion is, the more items they suck into their tiny vortex.

Let’s face it: P-Funk’s real mothership is pretty much any Suburban on the road with baby on board.  Diapers, wipes, tissues, snacks, bottles, formula, drinks (in the princess cup), antibacterial gel, Epi pen, hats, mittens, scarves, coats, boots, crayons, books, toys, car seats, DVDs, changes of clothing, portable potty, sling, stroller, rain cover, sunscreen, bug repellant, blankets. Ah, what the hell, throw in a forty-foot inflatable pig, go on.  Just don’t be smug because your last trip to Target didn’t disrupt flights out of Heathrow and the roadies will embrace you as one of their own.

Trashing the Hotel Room

A two-year-old in the middle of the terribles can make Courtney Love look like Martha Stewart.  Doubters may wonder: how can something so small do so much damage?  Think Ebola, my friend.  They may be pint-sized but they are preternaturally determined to have their willful way–not to mention freakishly strong. For instance, anything that can fit, and a few things that can’t, will end up in the toilet (and that’s not even with the hotel dicks on your trail).  So maybe your fancypants college degree didn’t quite prepare you for picking dried spaghetti off the ceiling, but at least in your new gig you’ll be paid for having to deal with the chaos, and, even better, paying off others to clean up the mess. Just carry a wad of $20s like you carried Wet Ones and use them with the same frequency. Clean up, clean up, everybody, everywhere!

Just remember a mom would never let you expire on the toilet (I’m talking to you, Colonel Parker) and if you did you can be sure we’d at least put in you in clean underwear before the press got wind of it. Don’t be fooled: beneath that snot-swiped sweater beats the heart of a rock ’n’ roll warrior.

 

Tools and Rules for Long Distance Lovers

There’s an old joke in the gay community:

What does a lesbian bring on a third date?
A moving van.

Despite never having been party to anything involving ladyparts, I found myself this past June, if there is a kernel of truth in this joke, in a very lesbianic situation. The difference being that the moving van I rolled up in to my third date with Boyfriend was one that would take me some 3,400 miles and an ocean away from him to London. Mind you, he wasn’t boyfriend at the time, and we had an agreement to live our own lives after I moved away (I mean, it had only been 3 dates to that point), but as time went by we realized, even across the miles, that we wanted to be together, even if we were apart. Ten years of dating in New York City and I meet the love of my life 30 days before I leave. Fuck you, irony.

People always ask me: Isn’t it hard? Once I’ve reigned in my desire to throttle them while screaming “OF COURSE IT IS, YOU HALFWIT! DO YOU THINK BEING 3,000 MILES AWAY FROM THE MAN I LOVE IS FUN?!” I tend to reply “We make it work.”

And we do. Modern technology has made life for the long distance couple much easier, and we take full advantage of every possible tool available to us.

These things make it easier, not easy, which is an important distinction. If you’re going to be wading into a long distance relationship, there’s one thing you have to ask yourself before committing to long periods of emotional and sexual frustration, spending your days wishing your significant other was there, holding your own hand at the movies and trying to coordinate phone calls across time zones: Would I rather have this person, thousands of miles away, knowing that they’re really the one for me and that I’m willing to face some really difficult stuff to have them, or would I rather look for someone who I can see every day and touch whenever I need/want.

If you can honestly say that you’d rather hear “I Love You” from this guy/gal over a long distance line than look for something else that lives in your major metropolitan area, then you’d best read on and familiarize yourself with your Long Distance Love Toolkit, Crosby, Stills & Nash be damned.

1) Skype: Reliable online chat and video chat between free Skype account holders, now also available on iPhones and other smartphones. Using Skype only allows you to chat for free with other Skype users who are online, and allows you to make calls to any phone number from your computer or using the app at rates dependent on where you’re calling. Using it on a smartphone will tear through your data, but you can’t beat Skype for online video chatting for when you need to see your honey’s face, stare at each other longingly, or have a little cyberscrump. Skype also allows you to purchase a US phone number which will ring to your computer/app no matter where you are in the world. Buying a Skype number has, however, pretty much been rendered obsolete by the free service offered by:

2) TextFree: Textfree, while not the most reliable app in the world (the “Sorry, our servers are down” message has made me curse at my phone in public on many occasions), is still a Godsend. The app assigns you a free dedicated US phone number that uses your data network to transmit text. So instead of each of us paying 25 to 50 cents per text, you can text all day long for free. Happily, in November, Textfree added voice service – anyone in the US can call your Textfree number as though they were calling a US mobile. It will eat through your data as quickly as Skype – so try to get to on a wireless network before taking the calls – but I found that calls on my Textfree number are easier to pick up (Textfree takes about 8 seconds to pick up; Skype takes about 20, and by then you’ve likely missed the call) and are of great quality. Calling out will cost you, but I don’t know how much, because I make all outgoing calls with:

3) 1899: 1899 is an indispensable service for anyone in Europe calling the States. I didn’t realize until I moved how much Sorkin-esque walk and talk made up my days, and being able to do it for 1p per minute while power-mincing around London is so much more time-efficient than waiting until I’m home every night. You register with the service and calls from your registered landline or mobile numbers are 1p per minute to any number in the States (cost of calls to other countries varies). This particularly useful for when there’s an emergency or a need to talk immediately and you can’t wait to get home to your computer or landline. This will use your mobile minutes (but saves your precious data) so be sure your plan has enough to account for your international calling.

4) Apple’s iMovie: This is a handy way to see each other in spite of time zone issues. When Boyfriend and I know we’re not going to get a chance to Skype (or when we just want to be overly sweet), we’ll make short iMovies and email them to each other. A lot of the time he’ll make one for me before he goes to bed, so it’s waiting for me when I wake up, and I volley one to him before I leave for work, so he wakes up to me. This can be done in total from an iPhone 4 as well, which is great for mid-day messaging. It’s a nice alternative to email, and it’s equally good for being a little dirty when you want.

5) YouTube: A nice way to make emails a bit more interesting. Google “Long Distance Love Songs” and send a video along with any given email. I recommend starting with Snow Patrol’s “Set the Fire to the Third Bar”. You’re welcome.

6) Hand-Written Love Letters: All this technology is great, but old school romanticism is the stuff that melts me like a Cadbury Creme Egg in a cast iron skillet. Emails and videos can’t hold a candle to finding a hand-written love letter waiting for you after a long day. And it doesn’t have to just be letters – for extra adorableness (seriously, I fucking love this man), Boyfriend takes and prints photos of Hearts he sees graffiti’d around New York and writes love letters on the back of them, like personalized postcards. *Swoon*

More important than how you’re able to keep in touch with your Sweetie is setting some guidelines to keep you both from going insane. Obviously these will be different for each couple, but here are the rules Boyfriend and I have to make sure we both keep our heads on straight:

Never part without having plans for the next time you will see each other. This not only gives you something to look forward to, but removes the uncertainty that can destroy a long distance relationship. Setting a maximum for time apart (we don’t go longer than 8 weeks, no matter what) helps as well, though may not be realistic depending on your finances and the cost of getting to each other.

Have a Long Term Plan. No one can carry on like this forever. As much as I love him, I couldn’t see myself living 3,000 miles away from him forever and being happy with that. The “with” is the most important part of “Spending your life with someone”. Even if it’s a few years off, talk about where and when you will ultimately be together. It will remove some of the futility you might start to feel creeping in.

Get Comfortable With ______ Sex. Phone, Cyber, text, video… you name it, you’ll soon be engaging in it. When you’re monogamous and the object of your affection is far away, getting off with each other means taking to the spoken word, the webcam, the digital cam… essentially utilizing any and all of the tools above to get dirty with each other. AT&T’s now-defunct instruction to “Reach out and Touch Someone” will take on new meaning. Embrace it. It only feels weird the first few times.

Talk to Each Other About Your Frustrations. You’re in it together. You’re both going to get upset. You’re both going to be tempted. You’re both going to question it. Be honest. Be supportive. Talking about your frustrations will help you find a way to deal with them together. This includes airing your jealousy and insecurity – passive aggressive behaviour and jealousy are relationship killers when can read each other’s moods in person; when you’re separated by distance they lead to resentment, infidelity and misery.

Enjoy Your Time Together. We are not allowed to fight when we’re in the same city. We have limited time together, so we enjoy every second. No arguing. If one of us is angry, we put it out there immediately and calmly deal with it. Don’t waste your precious time together with bullshit. Have as much sex as possible, hold hands as much as possible, appreciate that the person you’re sitting with has worked as hard as you at this and must really love you to put up with the same obstacles that you have.

Good luck to my fellow long distance lovers out there (particularly our newly-minted long distance Crasstalk couple). And if anyone asks you “Isn’t that hard?” I hope this helps you be able to truthfully respond “We make it work.”

Chicks Arrive at Mom’s House

chicks in box
This is the box they traveled in from Ohio to Fairfield, CT

All dozen egg layers arrived safely and soundly.  I received a call at 7:15 a.m. from my lovely postmaster this morning who begged me to pick up the express mailed chicks because the peep peep noise was already driving her nuts.  I was happy to oblige as the chicks were overnighted to me moments after hatching, placed in a straw-lined box (8″x10″)and shipped to me.  These chicks would huddle together for warmth in their trip from Ohio to Newark to Fairfield, CT.  They needed water, food and most importantly HEAT.

They were very cold, thirsty and hungry when they arrived.   Chickens aren’t the brightest creatures.  They need to be shown how to eat and drink.  Immediately upon getting them home, I pick each one up and place her in the preheated box that will be there home for the next week or so.  I then must grab them, one by one, and literally shove their beaks into the waterer.   I only need to do it to about half of them and then the rest figure it out.  Lemmings.  Same goes for food.  I have to ‘force’ their heads into the feeder and by the time half of them figure it out, the rest join in the meal.

brooderBaby chicks need to be at 95 plus degrees for the first week.  I accomplish this by creating what is a brooder.  My initial brooder is simply a cardboard box I picked up at Trader Joe’s the day before and it is heated by an infrared bulb.  I place newspapers on the bottom and then top it with paper towels.  Eventually, I will replace the paper towels with wood shavings once the chicks get the hang of eating their chick crumble. As the weeks go on, the temperature of the brooder will go down 5 degrees each week.  I adjust the temp by moving the infrared bulb further from the brooder.  These chicks will grow rapidly and will within a week or so outgrow the box from Trader Joe’s.  I will be on the look out for a bigger box.  I probably will be heading to Bed, Bath and Beyond.


Each of the chicks are about 1.5 oz currently.  They are approximately 2 inches tall.  Here they are in the coop next to an egg carton for a point of reference.


….and this is what they will eventually do:  lay eggs.  One of my Auracanas laid this baby today.   Not sure which one did it, but I suspect she is now walking bow-legged. They have had a bit of a shock so I haven’t manhandled them too much today.  Tomorrow, each of them will be properly named and I will post pics of each chick w/her name.

Wednesday Night Open Thread

Hi gang. Hope the day has treated you right, and that you getting a chance to take it easy. Since I gave you metal this morning, I thought I would give you something a little mellower tonight. How about some nice comedy?


My Wife Dumped Me by 300feetdown

Have a great night.

Canadians Can Now Be Told by the Internet How they Feel about Politics

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The CBC has released a new online tool that allows Canadians (or anyone) to answer some multiple choice questions and be told what party they should belong to. The Vote Compass tool asks how the user feels or how they would change 30 hot button issues.  The answers are tabulated and the tool assigns the user to a likely political party and shows their leanings on a graph of social and economic conservatism or liberalism.

As you can see the questions are not exactly nuanced in all cases and lean toward the blunt since they need to suss out a person’s political views in short order.  The tool is written in Adobe Flash so don’t bother using your elitist iPad to try to access it.

Once you’ve filled out all the questions in your choice of English or Français you’re told which party you need to start politely telling your friends about.

You can then tell the world where you stand with one click of the Facebook share button.

Update:

Thanks to Deadlist Sin (an actual Canadian, unlike me) we now learn that the liberal bias in the media is a real thing.  Even people who consider themselves conservative are being labeled as liberals by the CBC.

Source: El Reg.

Investing in Your Favorite Bands’ Future

As the mainstream music industry feebly attempts to hang on to some semblance of its past glory days, many bands and artists are opting to cut out the middleman and go directly to their fans to provide financial backing for their future album releases.  Using sites such as PledgeMusic or Kickstarter, musicians are able to make their case to fans and others who are interested in helping cover the costs associated with recording an album — booking studio time, distribution, promotional efforts, and so on. Beyond the financial, some bands are also reaching out to their fanbase to provide inspiration for songs in the form of words, artwork, or sound effects.

Helping an artist finance their next album usually comes with perks such as having advance access to music, bonus tracks, or having your name listed in the liner notes. Of course, there’s the simple personal gratification you’d feel in assisting a band get their music out to the masses.

Gregory Douglass:
I first learned of Gregory a few years back after seeing the video for his song, “Hang Around,” on TV one evening. I quickly downloaded the song from iTunes. Shortly thereafter, I returned to purchase the rest of his music. Back in 2009, I hosted a house concert where Gregory performed in my home for me and a group of my friends. His voice is simply amazing and I can’t help but cheer the guy on. Gregory has been holding weekly concerts streamed online and making appeals for fans to contribute to helping fund his next album, Lucid.

The Damnwells:
This is a band that needs to be heard by many more people. Their last album, One Last Century, was made available to the world for free. The band’s latest release, No One Listens to the Band Anymore, was just released on March 15, however, those who were financial backers via PledgeMusic, received early access to the album in addition to bonus songs and special access to a concert stream.

Imogen Heap:
At shows during her last world tour, Imogen Heap raised money for local charities by creating and recording a song at each show and making it available for purchase on her website. Even better, the audience was part of creating the song. At the show I attended, someone yelled out C sharp for the key and another person provided the general melody. From there, Imogen created a song.  Perhaps using that experience as inspiration, fans were able to contribute words, sounds and/or melodies that would be reviewed and used to create a new song — the first song created for her new album.

As Imogen culled through the submissions, fans were able to watch via Ustream as she reviewed them and built a song. The result is “Lifeline.” It’s also worth noting that the submissions used in the song will receive credit on her album as well as receive compensation.

The Seven Best Songs from Boston (the City)

The epicenter of  more than 50 institutions of higher learning with a population of over 150,000 college and grad students, Boston has been inspiring and incubating musicians and bands ever since the early days of rock ’n’ roll, starting with the Standells, who weren’t even really a Boston band but a Cali group who recorded what’s probably still the most emblematic Boston song of all, the 1966 classic “Dirty Water”

I’ll get the ball rolling with half-dozen of my favorites (in some cases I actually was lucky enough to meet a few of these people) but if you don’t have at least one favorite Band in Boston, you must be brain-dead. So crank up the volume, blast that first power chord. And “One two three four five six seven …”

“Roadrunner” by Jonathan Richman and the Modern Lovers: an iconic Boston tune, replete with shout-outs to Stop’n’Shop and Route 128. This is perfect highway music, simple yet driving rhythms overlaid with Richman’s unmistakable stuffed-sinus  voice – it’s also one of very few JR&ML songs that’s not flat-out off-the-wall: “Abominable Snowman in the Supermarket,” “I’m a Little Dinosaur,” and “Dodge Veg-o-Matic” are much more characteristic. (I met Richman a few times; to call him “fey” is to understate the effect by several orders of magnitude, but his band’s music was and remains more seminal than many people recognize.)

Interestingly, “Roadrunner” is basically lifted from the Velvets’ “Sister Ray” though in place of Lou Reed’s typically Warholian, debauched detachment, Richman achieves a weird earnestness in his paean to the Turnpike. Joan Jett, the Sex Pistols, and Yo La Tengo are among other rockers who’ve covered this propulsive song.

 

“Funk (All Over the Place)” by Duke and the Drivers: a legendary BU party band with a tight-knit following, DatD coalesced in the early 70’s and still play the occasional reunion concert. If you like blues, r&b, and irresistibly danceable roadhouse music and get one of the ever-rarer opportunities to catch Duke, jump at the chance. Back in the day they toured with the likes of Lou Reed, Steely Dan, the NY Dolls, and ZZ Top, among others.  (I’ve had the unlikely pleasure of meeting the shadowy Duke, whose doppelgänger in life and onstage alike is a longtime friend of your humble correspondent. The Duke is also known as André Marine, plutocrat, philosopher and bon vivant.

 

“Voice of America’s Sons” by the Beaver Brown Band: Fronted by John Cafferty, later the eminence grise of Creedence Clearwater Revival, Beaver Brown  isn’t strictly speaking a Boston band – they actually hailed from nearby Narragansett, Rhode Island. If you’ve ever heard of them you’re probably a fan of 1983’s cult sleeper Eddie and the Cruisers, for which Cafferty and Beaver Brown wrote the music. This particular song was used on the soundtrack of a Stallone cheesefest called Cobra — I like it for its bombast … naturally mixed with anti-war sentiments: this is New England, after all.

 

“My Best Friend’s Girlfriend” by The Cars: One of yours truly’s all-time favorite songs, from one of the great New Wave bands ever, Ric Ocasek’s Cars (a name suggested by former Modern Lover David Robinson, also a member of The Cars’ original lineup.) What Abba was to disco, so were The Cars to late-70s and early-80s guitar-synth garage-bands, a juggernaut of catchy, hooky, quirky songs that became hits one after another, from “Just What I Needed” to “You Are the Girl,” their last real blockbuster, in 1987. Ocasek and guitarist Benjamin Orr first met in Ohio but moved to Boston to break into the music business … by the time they were done, Cobain and Nirvana had covered this very song. Weezer too.

 

“Walkin’ Blues“ by Bonnie Raitt: Back in the days of which I write, Bonnie Raitt had just dropped out of Radcliffe to play blues guitar round Boston’s clubs; her father was a Broadway star, and she herself would become a pioneering woman in the boys’ club of top-flight traditional slide and bottleneck  bluesmen. “Walkin’ Blues” dates from her eponymous first album (1971); this song  was written and first performed by the legendary Robert Johnson , who sold his soul to the Devil at the “Crossroads” in return for the meteoric musical career that blazed across the blues firmament for scarcely six years in the 1930’s – and made him the guitar gods’ guitar god. The second of these videos captures not one but two guitar goddesses — Bonnie and EmmyLou Harris — singing backup for Lowell George and Little Feat.

 

“Centerfold” by J. Geils Band: When I tended bar in a local saloon, Peter Wolf used to come in fairly often and hang out.  Many people believe that Peter is J. Geils but he’s not – Peter was the front man, for sure, but J. Geils is actually the guitarist. [insert: JPeter.jpg] Amazingly, the band’s first sign of life was as a mid-Sixties combo called “Snoopy and the Sopwith Camels;” they hit their stride when Peter joined, and “Centerfold” is probably their biggest hit — six weeks at #1 on the Billboard Top 100. The video rocks, too.

Peter was (still is, I’m sure) a very interesting guy: a renowned, very accomplished painter who studied under Norman Rockwell as a kid; when I rubbed shoulders with him he hadn’t yet married Faye Dunaway, but at that time he had not long before been roommates with surrealist filmmaker David Lynch at the School of the Museum of Fine Arts. Lynch threw him out for “being too weird,” which has gotta tell you something if David Lynch thinks that about you.

 

“Digging for Fire” by The Pixies: This song, especially, could be mistaken for David Byrne in the early days of Talking Heads, but the Pixies are figuratively speaking the Boston-based younger sibs of the New York New-Wave crew who made second homes at CBGB and the Mudd Club. Formed in 1986, the Pixies are a bit after my time, but no list however brief of Boston bands could omit them. Critics award them substantial influence over the alternative-rock world of the 1990s, Kurt Cobain was a fan, and … and …

Black Francis (or Frank Black or his actual original name Charles Thompson IV) is the lead singer and main songwriter. Radiohead, U2, and the Strokes cite the Pixies with admiration, and no less a figure than David Bowie declared that the Pixies made “just about the most compelling music of the entire 80s”. Since then the Pixies have broken up and reformed several times.

 

So there you have it, boys and girls. Let’s give it up for Boston. Or, as Jonathan Richman put it:

Already been to Paris

Already been to Rome

What did I do but miss my ho-ome?

O-oh New England!

 

April Fools Day Survival Guide

One of the most important days of the year is coming up soon, but enough about Amanda Bynes’ birthday. In a couple of days it will be April Fools Day, and many of you will either be looking for ideas for the next great prank or for protection from the next great prank. If you’re not, why not? Even such a cool guy as Johnny Depp is said by his co-stars to be fond of a remote-controlled fart machine on April 1. Either way, here’s some inspiration.

The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest

The benchmark April Fools prank. Highly respected British news program Panorama, in 1957, runs a full-length feature on the Swiss spaghetti harvest including “footage” of workers picking spaghetti off trees. The BBC was inundated by callers asking where they could get their own spaghetti tree. Scary thing is, if you ran the same program today, #spaghettitree would be a trending topic on Twitter within the hour. You know it’s true.

“Put stockings over your faces to protect yourselves!”

So said New Zealand radio announcer Phil Shone, solemnly telling morning commuters a huge swarm of wasps was descending and they needed to take precautions to avoid being stung. Anecdotal evidence is that hundreds if not thousands of people arrived at work with stockings dutifully pulled over their faces.

Because New Zealand is populated mostly by sheep, I have this amusing mental picture of a sheep driving a car wearing a stocking over its face, looking for all the world like an armed baaaaandit. Sorry.

The Left-Handed Whopper

In 1998, Burger King (perhaps inspired by a certain Simpsons episode… which I see aired in 1991, making me feel really old) announced the first burger designed for left-handers, with all the ingredients rotated by 180 degrees to make it easier to grasp in the left hand. Once again, people bought a whopper. Or tried to.

What makes it more interesting is the people who came in demanding to buy a RIGHT-HANDED whopper and none of this lefty crap. Yes, really.

The Office


 

BMW

I don’t know about you, but when I think of wacky pranks, I think of German luxury car-makers. Things like making a satnav that constantly wants to direct you over the border into Poland! Wait, no, that was Jeremy Clarkson.

Anyway, it’s true. BMW take their April Fools pranks very seriously, and run April Fools ads every year all around the world.

A couple of years ago they stuck a Mini Cooper to the wall of a skyscraper in Sydney to back up their April Fools prank of anti-gravity parking. Like I said, they take it seriously.

One of my all-time favorites was in 2006 for a hands-free car, with no wheel, driveable on either side of the road. The UK version of the ad can be found here.

Notice that BMW faithfully keep up the tradition of the joke name in their joke articles: Herr Huhr-Huhr and Uwe Vollervitt indeed.

Late for Work

Ingredients needed:
1 co-worker or subordinate in need of pranking
1 home phone number

Prank:
Simple. Call co-worker at home maybe 45 minutes before they’re meant to get to work, and tell them they’re late for work, where the hell are they? All the better if they have an important meeting or presentation to do first thing.

If they have an iPhone, you can mention that an iPhone alarm bug was reported on the radio this morning and express sympathy that they’ve been screwed by it. This is particularly believable because it has really happened. Twice.

Important! Call back a few minutes later, after they’ve put their underwear on backwards out of panic, to tell them it’s a prank and they can relax. Because you’ll feel horrible if they sped to work and crashed and died, won’t you?

My High School

And finally: my love for April Fools Day began at High School, where we had something of a tradition of pranking the school. One of my favorites was the time we got a well known breakfast radio DJ to call the principal, live on air, to ask about a “breaking sex scandal” involving three of her students. The “three” was the genius touch- when dealing with a person on their guard, it’s that extra bit of hysteria which gets you over the line.

What are your favorite April Fools pranks, whether played by you or played on you?